Last night I was working hard on my current novel, one in which the two main characters both have psychological issues, ones which I studied and researched in fascination. Because these two characters are a bit like myself, only with extreme exaggerations in certain flaws, I started to realize I wasn't just looking up their problems, but also my own without even knowing it. One character is afflicted with Obsessive Love Disorder, as well as Borderline Personality Disorder. The other is a combination of controlling and avoidance Codependency. The first stems from abuse. The second stems from neglect. This led to a dream sequence involving many, many complex emotions combating against one another, each trying to justify both their existence and significance inside me. I've never been diagnosed with any of these disorders, but when reading them in detail, I felt excited that I found some details on how my characters could act, but I was also terrified, because the more I read, the more I started to think: "Hold on... this is me."

I didn't want to think about it, and pushed it out of my mind. I know of so many consequences involved in "self-diagnosis," one of them being it promotes creating excuses for negative traits and behavior. I don't want to make excuses for my behavior. It makes me seem lazy and incapable, and childish. Because of how eerie it felt to unintentionally read about myself, I did something else to distract me from bad thoughts. I don't know whether or not it was a good idea to do so, but all I know is that it caused a series of unsettling, bothersome dreams involving my inadequacy to deal with stressful situations.

There were roughly two large dreams in total. The first was about my family. My uncle was once like a father to me in my childhood when I didn't have one. I saw him recently, talked to him, and it felt good to see him. I wanted to bond with him more, to get to know him on a more personal level, but he seemed annoyed, stressed, and quiet. He was willing to talk with me, so I got him to explain his reasons for seeming so grumpy. He told me how much he hated his life, and his job, that, in short, it was a trial that he didn't want to be a part of. He had offered me a job with his company, which I gratefully accepted, and I never heard from him again, not about the job, or about anything. When trying to call, I never got a call back. I called my aunt to ask about it, and she also never contacted me. It's common for me to interpret such a thing as abandonment, and it hit me a lot worse than it would with a stranger because I saw him as a father-figure, a figure I deeply crave in my life. A bit crushed, I tried to forget about it, but now I feel rejection and sadness when something reminds me of him. I'm used to this sort of thing. It's happened many times, especially with people in my family.

The dream started with my uncle lying to me, telling me, and my whole family that my aunt was dead. Distraught and disturbed, I asked him how it happened, and I never got an answer. Instead, he would smugly laugh about it, like it was all a joke to him. He in fact seemed glad she was gone. In reality, they do have problems with their relationship, but it's definitely not that bad. I spent a good portion of the dream depressed and confused, asking questions. I wanted to know how he could really languish her death so easily, and if he truly was that cruel. Not only did I have to face my aunt's death, but my uncle laughing and enjoying it. Later I found out, much to my relief, that she was alive. I felt so angry. The rage was unthinkably strong. I can't remember what happened after I felt it.

The next dream was a bit more strange, and quite wacky to be honest, but still disturbing in its own right. Ross made another appearance, this time looking identical to my partner's brother, whom I get along well with, but am extremely uncomfortable around. In waking life, the real Thom is a confident individual with pronounced ideals and intelligence, a clear voice and clear head. More often than not, he makes me feel incredibly stupid. He's the life of the room when he's around, charismatic with an attractive personality (though I'm not attracted to him). He and my boyfriend are both funny characters, and always make me laugh. It's around Thom that I feel uncomfortable, stupid, and infinitely ugly. His presence makes me hate myself more than I already do, because it reminds me of how little I matter to the world, to anyone in my life, and how unjustifiably ignorant I am. In times when he and the rest of the people in the house want to play games, they're of a knowledgeable nature, ones of trivia and on-the-ball thinking. They grew up with such things, and they've a talent for it. I find myself blanking out, staring into space, wishing I was somewhere else. SomeONE else. Someone with a brain. Someone worth something. I get so distracted wishing I was funny and smart, that I wasn't treated so badly throughout my life, that I had confidence as I once did before I realized my dreams could be torn from me, that I don't care about enjoying myself. Strangely, this doesn't make me hate Thom. I love him like a brother. I just hate visiting him. It probably shows, too. I'm very bitter when over there.

It's all quite a bit to take in considering not much is known of me or James's family, whom I love with all my heart, like my own family. They certainly treat me with more respect than my own family does. All I know is that I've convinced myself that it's too late for me. It drives me to horrible thoughts or self-injury.

Thom's appearance in my dream could have meant many things, but I know it wasn't really meant to be "Thom." It was someone with Thom's face and voice. I was sitting alone in a diner, drinking cocktails. He joined me, very suddenly and without permission. I asked where his wife was, and he said she was doing her own thing. I asked why he wasn't with her. I don't think I got a definitive answer. He then proceeded to act like a jackass, stealing food from other tables, food that wasn't his that he didn't order. He began making huge messes and treating everyone poorly. He was the center of attention and people seemed to find him funny, especially when he mocked me. He randomly came riding through the dining room on a bull at one point, and a skunk burrowed it's way out from underneath my table.

That's all I remember. All I know is that throughout the dream I was angry, uncomfortable, and humiliated, as I often am.