In past posts, you have described yourself as having and even favoring, enjoying, many masculine traits and activities, despite the appearance in dreams of hostile and threatening male figures, all of whom were "dominant" or seeking to be dominant.

It seems to me that, though you've gotten enjoyment from this gender ambiguity in waking life and in some earlier dreams, at an unconcious level you are (to say the least) uncomfortable with it. Given that you are in an ongoing, apparently good heterosexual relationship, it's not as though you are a "man in a woman's body"; and you've never expressed (on these forums) any interest in transgender surgery.

Rose, I and others on this forum are more than willing to talk about this and share our thoughts and insights; but I'll have to remind you that few of us have any professional credentials and a forum like this is not the best theraputic setting. I think it's time for you to seriously consider seeking out an understanding professional, one who takes dreams seriously.

I assure you that this in no way means that I or anyone here think you are weak or mentally ill. Quite the contrary. But sometimes our own resources are not enough. (Sometimes "first aid" won't solve the problem. You need EMTs or an outpatient clinic.)

Give this some thought. I'll be glad to resume the exchange of messages we were having, and I can alert others here to give this and your past posts a lookover; but I'm not sure we can reach any resolution.

Hang in there, and all regards,
Bob

I've had some increased stress lately, and like an endless loop, I get stressed because I'm stressed and cause other people stress. I get anxious because I'm anxious and annoy other people. I've had increased amounts of depression the past couple of months, with suicidal thoughts. I've been trying to avoid the things that increase my anxiety, but certain things can't be avoided.

I know that no one here is really a professional, and I don't post here hoping to find permanent assistance. It's mainly to get it off my chest and out of my head, hoping that the dreams will stop coming back, even though I have a disturbing interest in them. I haven't gone to therapy simply because I can't-- I have no insurance and I can't afford it. I want therapy, and even my boyfriend wants me to have it. My anxiety and low self-esteem is wearing on him, because he has enough of his own. Even when I need to talk to someone, I know it bothers him when I try to chat with him about my problems because he has his own. I have very few close friends, if any, so I have no one else to talk to, and this causes even more stress and anxiety in me knowing this.

I never brought up transgender surgery because that's a subject I've been burying for years. It makes my boyfriend tense and it's not something I can talk about to anyone else, except a therapist.

A few thoughts:

1. It's a hard cycle to break; but that stress at being stressed and anxiety about being anxious is a vicious feedback loop. Try to work towards accepting that stress and anxiety are normal, if highly undesirable parts of life. An airline pilot/writer named Ernest K. Gann described good airline captains as those who, confronted with a sudden emergency, "immediately go past disappointment to action." Sometimes action is maddeningly impossible. It's been said that Scarlett O'Hara's "Fiddle-dee-dee, I'll worry about that tomorrow!" is actually a good coping technique at times like that.

2. As you know all too well, too much stress and too much anxiety are terrible for self esteem. Parents, teachers and society in general tell us we're supposed to be "in control" at all times. Reality tells us we aren't. Listen to reality, not society. It helps to remember that though you feel alone, you're not alone. Hundreds of millions, maybe billions of people, are up against serious issues that aren't going to resolve soon. Each of them feel as isolated as you do. (And most of them are in that mess at least partly as a result of their own mistakes. That's a human problem, not just your personal problem. Don't beat yourself up. Leave perfection to Jesus.)

3. I say all this because vultures like this Inner Hitler of yours love to prey on people who are down on themselves. That's one reason I'm glad to know transgender surgery is out of the question now and for the forseeable future. If it were a Francis of Assisi, a Lincoln, a Martin Luther King type who was showing up in your dreams, I might feel differently; but this jerk is the kind of man that most men despise. I met my share swingin'keys in jails and prisons. Guess what? Most inmates don't like them either.

4. It really seems to me that this guy is out to take over and be the Ego; and that alone persuades me that he's not only a fuhrer but a fool. Over the years I've inner dialogued with several of my stronger "dream people", even done some written dialoguing. They all tell me that the last thing they want is to be "out front", and are glad that Ego Bob is there to act as a buffer between their reality and what we call the "consensus" reality. Think your life is bad now? Imagine it with this power-mad rapist out front! And, within you, a now fully repressed woman.

5. Sounds like you've lost a few to this guy. Don't beat yourself up about it, defeat happens. It happens but it's not final. Of all his Revolutionary War battles, George Washington won only three; but the third was Yorktown.

6. I hope someday you can drop "Melancholy" from your screenname; but for all that it's a heavy cross to bear, I'd rather deal with Melancholy Rose than Megalomaniac Ross. Hang in there! And, keep in mind, if there are things you would like to bring up but not on a public forum, you can send private messages.

In your corner,
Bob

I know I seem like I'm erratic and out of control, but I wouldn't let myself get that bad, to the point of where... let's call him "Ross" for now since he never gives me a name, or he will and I forget it immediately like he never told it to me (he frequently changes appearance and location, but he's always the same guy), has control. I would never let myself become the violent asshole that he is, and I don't care if wants that or not. I wouldn't hurt people, even if I was male on the outside.

He may have some kind of power when I'm sleeping, but that's all he has. He's not going to turn me into a prick. I've lived my whole life telling myself not to turn into my violent parents, teaching myself to be a better person than they were. I may be afraid of "Ross" in my dreams, but that's probably because that's where he knows I have no control.

If I could lucid dream, I would, but I've never been good at it. If I could dream lucidly, I would have control in my dreams. Otherwise, my "control" is changed to Ross's control, not my own, and I'm sure some negative emotions in my subconscious use that against me.

I'm thinking of keeping more of a personal journal, mostly revolving around him and my reactions to him, and see if maybe there's a way I can stop fearing him and confront him in my sleep and have an actual conversation without him immediately going into psycho-mode, because I thought "he" had given up a long time ago, but "he" came back when I started feeling stressed, and I can't have "him" do that whenever I'm in bad moods.

Don't be so sure that Ross has influence and control only when you'e sleeping. He's almost certainly behind a lot of that negative self-talk that goes with and feeds into that stressed-that-I'm-stressed-that-I'm-stressed and anxious-because-I'm-anxious-because-I'm-anxious state we all get into now and then.

It may be that our inner dialogue is sometimes "talking to ourselves", but my own experience is that there is often, I personally believe almost always, someone else on the other end of the dialogue. Carl Jung posited that what we call "complexes" are, in fact, mini-personalities with many of the attributes of personhood, including agendas. Fortunately for us, many of them and their agendas are essentially harmless or even benign.

I can usually tell when I'm "talking" with Susan; and sometimes even set out to do so. I'm sometimes sharp enough to realize that Fred Ian Slipp is setting me up to do something stupid, or when a lady named Helva (who may well be writing a lot of this stuff - I hope so) is passing on some insights and advice I'd do well to heed. Unlike you and I, these intrapsychic folk don't have to sleep at certain hours of the day. they can, and do, keep the hours they choose. And they may do their most effective work - whether it's wise guidance or sabotage - precisely when we are not asleep and not dreaming.

Erratic and out of control? Well, I've been both. so, I suspect, have every one of those seven billion of us who share this earth. The trick is not to get lost in the self-talk. Like Gann's good captain, skip the disappointment and go to the action, even if that action is only "We'll worry about that tomorrow!" In short, and in your own way, tell Ross and his Rossians (a nice metaphor if you go back to Cold War days) to sit down and shut up.

Yes, it's a lot easier to say than to do. Ross will probably pull out every trick in his bag, and will win or appear to win sometimes, but you're giving the message: I'm the leader, I'm going to lead!

Give this some thought. Many, perhaps most people would ay I'm nuts to be treating such "people" as Ross as "real"; others, (including Jung) would agree. When we're dealing with our whole minds - not just the part we use in waking life - we have to keep in mind that states like "day" and "night", "dream" and "thought", "awake" and "asleep" aren't quite the solid distinctions we think they are.

After all, we know the brain works 24/7/365. If it stops, so do we.

Maybe more later,
Bob

Well, I've already pretty much established that Ross is a manifestation of me hating myself. That he's the part of my personality that's constantly battling with me for sanity.

I'm currently searching for some therapy.

You'll win that battle. You're stronger than you know

We're still here; but once you're actually in therapy you'll want to work on these issues solely with the therapist. That doesn't mean you can't drop in and say "Hi!", and I hope you do.

Bob

I will try to remember to. I just hope therapy helps me in some way. I have a lot of serious issues that have never been treated in my life. I've been having some dangerous suicidal thoughts, and I can't talk to James about it-- he has enough problems of his own, I can't cause him even more stress, because that'll stress me out back.

I don't want to "get rid" of Ross-- I want him to love me; I want to love myself. I don't want to hate myself every day, I don't want to cry anymore. I'm sick of it, my boyfriend's sick of it... I just wish there was somewhere I could go for a while, maybe a week, to spend time with myself, alone. I used to live on my own, and now James and I live together. Since living with him, my depression and anxiety has gotten worse. I don't think it's his fault. I think it's my inability to cope with living with someone while constantly thinking I'm inferior to him.

James doesn't imply that he's superior to me. But this is all starting to piss him off. I don't blame him, really. Such slight things send me into crying spells, or make me feel like less than human. When I'm not dreaming about violence, I'm dreaming about some one-sided sex, or being cheated on or abandoned. I always wake up feeling like I've been sleeping in a gutter all night.

Ross hasn't really come back this past week, my dreams now are mostly my boyfriend leaving me for someone hotter than me. I feel that if I try to chase Ross down and tell him "I'm getting us some help" he'd turn to me and say he doesn't need help. I hate that part of me.