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More dreams about men eager to talk with me, but less violent
Published by MelancholyRose in the Dream Diary MelancholyRose's Dream Diary. Views: 1438
I've had dreams a lot in the past where men try to talk with the female version of me and I get upset with them, usually because they eventually try to communicate in a sexual manner. When I would push them away, they would chase me down and act enraged or violent and yell at me a lot, or display some psychotic, neurotic, and obsessive behaviors. Sometimes in dreams I switch genders from female to male and sometimes back again.
If I'm ever male in my dreams, I spend a lot of time studying my own body and looking at myself, and I'm always very pleased with it and happy with it, but I'm always hiding from people in the dream, specifically people who represent those who know me in waking life, such as my boyfriend and his family and my own family. I'll be spending the entire dream trying to find ways to avoid telling them who I am now, or trying to make sure they don't ever see me, knowing that in the dream, I was once female and I like being male now and their reaction would be negative. So sometimes my dreams are very literal like this, because I feel the same way about this sometimes in waking life, but try as hard as I can not to think about it, because it causes me stress. When I'm my female self, I almost never look at myself, so it's actually pretty hard to tell if I'm even female at those times, but somehow I just "know" that I'm "the me that looks like the one in waking life."
I was told that the men in my dreams are representations of my male personality traits and he's possibly trying to talk with me about something important and dire, but I never want to talk about it with him.
I've believed this has to do with my gender identity issue, wanting to be male instead of female, only feeling a bit cornered about it, not knowing what to do to solve it.
Lately, this male dream character has still been showing up, more often than he used to. He still has a different form each time, only now, he seems to have chilled out a little, because I seem to be accepting his desire to communicate. The past couple of times he's been showing up with familiar physical attributes. Just last night he appeared looking identical to a male character of mine that I'm attached to.
In my dream last night, the young man didn't speak much. He seemed to want to communicate first with body language, then sexually only. I was sitting in a restaurant of some kind, I think, and he was there, and motioned for me to follow him to the bathroom, which was very confined and private. I didn't object to him at all and followed him in. He seemed happy and was smiling, continuing to motion me inside, never really saying anything, just using body language, which was definitely a first, because the other men in my dreams before constantly talked my ear off and were very pushy.
I seemed to already know what he wanted, but I didn't mind this time, for some reason. After following him in, he still said nothing, but he indicated that he wanted oral sex performed on him. I obliged and didn't complain.
It was a strange sense of completion or achievement, even though we weren't speaking, I felt like we were communicating about something.
But halfway through the act I rejected him again and told him I couldn't continue. He did not get violent with me, nor did he pursue me, or yell at me. He appeared hurt, dejected, and he looked very disappointed in me. He allowed me to leave without a fight. I actually felt like I had let someone down. Probably myself, because I then felt a sense of pain.
I came out of the bathroom and my boyfriend was sitting at the table I was sitting at before. I thought about how much I loved him and how I felt like I was keeping something from him, and it hurt, badly. I felt like a bad person. I didn't tell him about my male friend, but I felt like he already knew about him. I felt complicated emotions.
I couldn't sleep for most of the night, but the dream carried on, where I was helping another of my male characters fight in a war of sorts against people who were trying to destroy our specific freedom. In this part of the dream, I knew who the male persona was because he is, in waking life, the character that is my alter ego. I was very close to him, even in the dream, and he was to me. He was a very powerful individual, very strong, and he guided me through a lot of the difficult trials occurring in the dream. He was often ordering me to do certain things, and I never hesitated to listen. He stayed beside me most of the time as we attempted to cross and avoid obstacles. Often times I hugged him, tightly.
Toward the end of the dream, we were standing on top of a very, very high cliff overlooking an ENORMOUS body of bright blue water, that seemed calm for the most part. I felt very scared looking down at the water, but I also knew that I had to climb down into it, and my male alter-ego, whose name is Kevin, also demanded that I do so, and that I had to do it, I had no choice. I began climbing down the side of the rocky cliff carefully, Kevin was driven to go down as well. I spent a great deal of the dream swimming around in the water, but looking in the distance at the masses of "soldiers" that were supposedly our enemies, and who were trying to fire shots at us. The water then seemed very dark and I couldn't see in it if I went under. But I knew that I had to stay in the water. I had to let it soak me. Many times it came up over my head.
For some reason I also recall that at the top of the cliff was a tiny wooden house that I had to cross through to face the lip of the cliff. The small house very much resembled a tree house or wooden shack. It was nothing at all like a full-sized house. It was damaged and creaking, and looked as if it could fall apart and take a nosedive into the water below at any given moment.
I don't remember much after that.
I felt different when I woke up, but in a good way. I felt like I tried to do something that was hard for me to do.
I've read that sexual assault in dreams may have to do with how I feel someone in waking life may be dominating me. I've also read that sex in dreams could mean power. I don't feel like anyone in waking life has power or dominance over me, especially anyone male, in fact, over the years I've been much more independent. However, the one person I can think that has a dominance over me is myself, more accurately, my male self. He is more dominant than my female self and sometimes I even want him to be, if not all the time. I've also just read that war in a dream symbolizes two conflicting parts of personality that are battling each other, which is extremely accurate. This could mean that my male and female egos are fighting each other for control, and strangely, the male version of me in the dream was the strongest, he was in charge, and he was the leader. The female me took his orders without question. He seemed determined to win the "war" and was especially adamant on doing so with the help of my female self.
As far as the water and the cliff goes, I think I felt that I had realized something about myself, and may have been coming to terms with it, to make an important decision, but as I did what I decided, I went back down under the water, and I feel it may have meant that I went back to struggling with myself. But I wonder why Kevin made it sound like I had no choice but to climb down to the water. Maybe I don't feel like I can choose who I am or what I do, because it's not accepted.
Every time I daydream, I picture myself as male or my male character(s), or I daydream situations for them. There is almost always sex, drama, or tragedy involved, but often times adventure and comedy come into play when I'm having a good day. I'm a writer and artist, so I have a strong creative side.
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