I've been a bit of a nervous wreck all night and today. I was planning to go out this afternoon to do some swimming to help me relax, and finally, for the first time in weeks, it thunderstorms today.

I feel like I'm slipping into some kind of subconscious hell. I've found some psychology clinics that I plan to call later and ask about. I have no insurance or money, but I know James wants to help. He's offered to pay anything to get me some help, because he's angry, sad, tired, stressed over all of this. I'm not happy like I used to be. I hate everything about myself.

Ross (my extremely negative, hateful, pessimistic side) hasn't reappeared in my dreams this week, which is a blessing in disguise, because he drives me nuts. He's usually chasing me, raping me, threatening me, or all of the above. My dreams, however, didn't get better. They're still stressful, they just don't star Ross. Or... maybe they do, and he just takes the form of someone I'm close to or familiar with. Either way, he's my incessantly spiteful side that I'm always trying to fight away. If I hate on myself, he's the part of me that's doing it.

I actually wanted Ross to show up. I wanted to talk to him in my dream, tell him to chill the fuck out, tell him that I can't live like this anymore and we have to work together. I can't keep working as hard as I can to repress him/that part of me all day, refraining from being hateful or violent. I feel like I'm losing the battle. I'm scared that he'll win, that I'll get to the point where I can't fight the desire to kill myself anymore.

He hates me so much/I hate myself so much. If I had a dissociative condition (I don't), and he was able to "come out" without me there, he'd probably spend the whole time hurting me and abusing me, cutting me up or slamming my head into things. The most he/that part of me has shown itself is when I was intoxicated. People tell me the way I am when I'm inebriated, and it's horrifying, because I don't remember being so violent and angry. I don't remember how I got the huge welt on my head or why my knuckles are throbbing, or why I have bite marks on me.

I don't want to be this way. I don't want to hate myself, but it's like second nature. Ross has always been there, lurking in shadows, waiting for a time to strike. He used to do it a lot when I was little. I've hurt my sister, I've threatened her life. I've kicked and punched holes in walls and bit myself and broke things, sentimental things. After seeing the damage, I cry so hard, because I didn't intend to do it; I didn't mean to cause it. I didn't want it to happen. But something in me screamed out, smashed things, hurt people. I think I may have killed animals.

This really is the last place I should be discussing all of this. I never talk about such things, to anyone. I keep it under lock and key. I idolize Kevin, my own character, for being so benevolent, for really, genuinely caring about people. I've wanted so much to be like him, but Ross doesn't let me; he hates me too much/I hate myself too much.

So today I started writing, writing to Ross/myself, trying to get my feelings down in writing. When I read it back, I realized how childish Ross is. If anything, he's more a boy than a man.



You don't get it. I'm stronger than you. You're weak and stupid. Only the weak and stupid need therapy. Why do you bury me so deeply? Does it give you some sick satisfaction? No one likes you.

If they don't like me, it's because you're there, Ross. You're my paranoia, I can't trust people.

You know damn well why you can't trust people, and that's because you simply can't. No one is as true as they say. No one is as genuine as you try to make them out to be. You have to accept me, the part of me that hates those people.

I don't want to hate people, Ross.

YOU CANNOT HELP THAT! As long as I'm here, you WILL hate people, and I'm always going to be here.

You don't have to be so hateful. You can accept that everyone has flaws and not hate them.

And you need to accept that it's okay to hate people's flaws. Some flaws are just naturally pitiful and ridiculous. Yours for example, make me nauseous.

It's not okay to hate people for their flaws. It's not okay to "hate" at all. Ross, I don't care how much of a dick you want me to be, I'm not going to be one.

Now, now. I never said that word. What, you think you can be Kevin? Christ, even he is sometimes overboard with the goodie-two-shoes bullshit. IT'S UNREALISTIC!!!

And you would think such a thing, that true kindness is unrealistic, and ridiculous. Kevin came from my heart, and my soul. He's kind because I am kind. He loves because I can love. Kevin is everything I would be if you weren't casting a shadow on me all the time.

But even Kevin is flawed. You know it. You, well, we invented him. If you made him the little sissy he is, I gave him the things I hate the most about you. Andrew, too. Where do you think he gets all of his insecurities? Certainly not from thin air.

That's what makes me love Andrew. He's a lot more human than you are, Ross. At least he can love someone for who he is.

I can love. I just love differently than you. Sure, I show love with my cock. That's still love on some level, haha.

Where did I get to be like this? So spiteful and afraid? You're so cocky. When people don't like me, it's you they don't like, not me.

Ah, so the truth comes out on why you bury me. Even you know your flaws are sickening. I'm your flaw, and you want so badly for people to like you, you put me away, inside of you somewhere, you pretend to like people that you, well, I, despise.

It's called being civil, Ross, being part of a society. You, we, have to learn how to be polite, don't we? We can't just act like aspergers idiots and come right out and say, even online, "I can't stand you, or anything you say." And if you're stronger than me, how is it that I can control you then? I can control those urges you have to come out and say things like that to innocent people. You may want to say things like that, but I don't let you, because I'm in control.

You're ugly, you're fat, your boyfriend would rather look at hot naked chicks instead of you, he probably fantasizes about them when he's fucking you, he's probably constantly thinking of ways to leave you, you fat, stupid, ugly cow bitch, you're hideous, you're stupid, you're bad at everything you do, you can't write, you can't draw, you can't do anything, because you're pathetic and weak and an idiot, and even your boyfriend knows it.

Listen to you. Listen to what you're saying, Ross. Why must you say those things? Why are they there? Why do you, I, make me cry like this? Why are you doing it? Why am I doing it?

BECAUSE IT'S TRUE, LOOK AT YOU. YOU HAVE A MIRROR, GO LOOK IN IT, YOU FAT BITCH, YOU FAT, FAT UGLY STUPID BITCH, I CAN'T STAND YOU!!!!!!!

Ross, until you learn to calm your ass down, until you sit down and shut the fuck up, I'm not going to talk or listen to you.

You will. I'm always back here, nagging, reminding you. You can hear me in the day, you can hear me at night. You can hear me, and you can't hide. You can't run. I'm here, I'm always here. And one day, when the time is right, I swear to god I'm going to kill you once and for all.

If I die, Ross, so will you.

I don't care. You're the one afraid of dying, not me. I hate you, and I hate everyone else. I hate James, too. He's a fucking asshole. And you're a moron for loving him.

I'm done with you. Don't talk to me until you grow up.

A severe thunderstorm is approaching. The sky literally turned black. I suddenly feel very vulnerable.