A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.
As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, 'You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch.'

'But I'm not pregnant,' she says.

'Well, you're not out of the ditch yet,' he says.

Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was "elf"-taught!

Why was Santa's helper depressed?

Low elf esteem...

Father Christmas: Doctor, Doctor I feel so unfit
Doctor: You need to go to an elf farm....

I came out of my friend's house the other day and I was in there for only about five minutes. When I came out there was a traffic police officer writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said "Come on mate, how about cutting me some slack as it's Christmas?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a jumped up little Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of donkey kaka. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes ... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.... Merry Christmas again

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her mom was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

When he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have this beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?

Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did