I have a dog, I call him 'Ironmonger' Why? Because every time I kick him he makes a bolt for the door! :doh:

An American, an Englishman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia,
sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush
in
and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi
Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming
the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they
are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial
finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be
released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:
" It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each
of you
one wish before your whipping."

The American was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip
went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away
bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the American in horror he
said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went
through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they
do).

The Brit was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the
Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the
world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may
have
two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Brit replied.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20,
but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are
also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100
lashes is what you desire, then so be it.

And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

"Tie the Frenchman to my back."

This one Roman governor was a spontaneous guy, and he was often annoyed when his astrologer buddy had to consult the stars before they could meet for a beer or go to the gladiator fights. Soon he got so fed up that he stopped calling him. The astrologer called him a month later, claiming that he had turned over a new leaf.

Incredulous, the governor asked, "OK, howzabout a game of racquetball then?" There was a long pause. "What are you doing now?" he asked sharply.

"Hang on, I'm checking my palm, Pilate."

What do you call a snail on a ship?
A snailor.

A polar bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a large whiskey . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . on the rocks." :lol:

Where do fleas go to surf?
To the microwave. :lol:

A woman brings home a present for her husband's birthday. He opens it excitedly, then looks all bewildered.

'A rocket...What am I supposed to do with it?' he asks.

The woman replies: 'Well, you said you wanted some space...Now take off!' :search:

Why do scientists look for things twice?
Because they research everything. 8)

That was brilliant.

What does a cow and a camel give each other when they meet?
A lumpy milkshake

What do you call a cow that had an abortion?
Decalfinated

Why do milking stools have only 3 legs?
Because the cow has the udder.

How does a cow add and subtract?
With a cowculator

That is funny Julie. I like those. [/url]

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

"I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?" 8)