Morning all. I've felt compelled to sign up after a dream I had last night that I really can't stop thinking about.

Real-life background: I proposed to my fiancee a month ago. Since then I've been wondering if it's the wrong decision.

Last night I had a dream about another woman. It was so vivid, detailed and realistic...and now that I'm awake, I can't stop thinking about it/her.

In the dream I was walking along and had to step into the road to pass two women. As I passed I made a comment, and she replied with something very witty/amusing. I turned round and started talking to the two women; they were mother and daughter. The daughter was really shy, but the mother told her she should go for a walk with me while she went shopping, so that's what happened. She was 18, so 3 years younger than me.

We got on really well and started holding hands. At this point I told her I had a fiancee, but was unhappy in the relationship and was really falling for her. She told me she was OK with me having a fiancee, that she accepted me for who I am, and that she was falling for me too. We went back to the flat that I share with my fiancee, and were laid in bed talking. At this point things turned a bit weird.

The person who is my fiancee kept interchanging between my fiancee and my Mum. She was still my fiancee, but sometimes looked and acted like my Mum. I was hiding this girl from her while she got ready for work. Eventually she went out and I was alone with the new girl, and at this point I woke up.

The thing is, I can't stop thinking about the girl in my dream. It sounds ridiculous but I feel like I'm in love with her. I was told ages ago that you don't see faces in dreams unless you've seen that person before. The mother didn't have a face; the girl did - except I've never seen anyone that looks like her before. She wasn't my 'type', but was stunningly beautiful.

Thanks for reading, and I'd appreciate any insight at all!

Edit: I apologise, I've just realised there's a different forum for this sort of thing. I didn't read the text next to the ad in the sticky!

Well, you are very young, and not knowing you I can't say if this is normal "cold feet" or there is really something wrong with your relationship and you shouldn't be marrying your fiancee, or if you really aren't ready to get married yet and it would be a mistake.

The mother in the dream sounds like a part of you that is wise or that wants to protect you. Her appearance in the dream could also have to do with the feeling that you aren't ready for marriage. (Going back to childhood when you live with our mother.)

Often, a strange face in a dream is a composite of different faces that you have seen. That could be why she seemed so beautiful - because she was a combination of the most beautiful things that you have seen in other people.

I think that on one level the girl could have to do with concerns about being monogamous and not being able to be with anyone but your fiance again, but I think that on another level she also represents parts of yourself that you love.

I think that you might be afraid that when you get married you will lose part of your identity, and that her accepting you even though you have a fiance is you unconscious' way of reassuring yourself that you aren't going to lose those parts of yourself.

I don't know where you live, but in many places 18 is the age where you are able to legally enter contracts, so her age could have to do with the idea that you are now an adult and have to make big decisions on your own and be responsible for them (which relates to your being engaged).

The part about your fiance changing back and forth into your Mum - it's said that people choose partners who resemble their parents. Maybe you are noticing this, and maybe you are thinking about what your marriage will be like and comparing it your parent's marriage.

Feeling that you have to hide the girl from your Mum could have to do with you feeling guilty about having worries about your independence.

That sounds fair enough and throws new insight onto it - thanks!

18 is the age we were when we started going out, or as you say it could be to do with legal stuff. I do feel like I'm losing part of my identity, and also that I'm being told what I can and can't do (I won't be allowed a sports car, or to carry on studying after my Bachelors degree) by my fiancee.

Again, thanks!

Did she really say you weren't "allowed"?

I know I am a complete stranger, it is really none of my business and I don't know all of the details, but I think it makes sense that you are rethinking this relationship.

I think someone who loves you would support you and encourage you to better yourself (continue studying) - unless she just means take a little break from studying so you can earn some money, and then go back and continue your studies.

And adults don't tell other adults what they are and are not allowed to do.

Once again, I know it isn't my business. Just saying.

Yes, not allowed were her exact words - she was serious, too. She meant not continuing - ever - as she wants to 'start and live life' (even though she has a job and between us we have plenty of money), and sports cars are "too dangerous".

Which is partly why I think I'm having these dreams.

Thanks again!

As I said, I don't know you, but I think it is a good idea for you to talk about this with a close friend, someone you feel close to and who you would trust to tell you something you might not want to hear if you needed to hear it.

Another thing to point out is that even though women are, in general, physically weaker than men, women can still be abusive.

Like Marcia, I have some serious concerns about the relationship between you and your fiancee. Now married for close to 39 years, I cannot recall a time in the marriages to my late wife or present wife where we used words like "not allowed" or "I forbid you" to each other. Very rarely in a marriage, one partner may have to "take command", but even then the idea is to further the interests of both, not one's own agenda; and to show respect for the feelings and intelligence of the other.

It's no criticism of your mother to note that, in our childhood and adolescent years, it is sometimes a parent's duty to command and forbid; but what's appropriate when we are two is not appropriate when we are twenty. Alas, that doesn't mean it never happens. It would probably be a mistake for you to tell your fiancee about your dream lover but, in the context of the dream, that you conceal her strikes me as a "childish" response. What we hide from our parents are the things, people and behaviors that they disapprove of.

You say yourself that you are unhappy, uncertain, and fear you are losing part of your identity. That's enough right there, without factoring in your dream girl, to show that you and your fiancee need some serious, intensive premarital counselling. It's possible she's just testing to see how much control she'll have in the marriage. She, too, may fear losing control and part of her identity. There may be an element of fear in her efforts to take control. The time to reframe this relationship is now, not after the wedding.

(For the record, I think she is wrong about your continued education; quite possibly right about the sports car; but it's not the outcome we're talking about. It's the way in which that outcome is being sought.)

As to your dream lover, I invite you to check out my dream diary. "Susan" looks a lot like a girl I sat to in one summer college class; but is not the same person. Your dream lover probably does not have an actual waking-world counterpart. If you read the diary entries I've posted so far. (there are others), I think you'll see that I "love" her in her way, and have spent some days thinking about her. Dream lovers are fine when they complement your waking relationships; potentially disastrous when they conflict with them. Oversimplifying a bit, they are fine between darkness and dawn. They are no substitute for a "real" woman. Should your dream lady reappear a few times, I think you'll start noticing she's not quite the ideal she first appears. Accept her for who she is and, as in any relationship, neither ask nor demand too much of her.