31-October-2008: I had a dream that I spoke Japanese in a travel agent’s to buy cheaper tickets to Tokyo for a young married couple.
30-October-2008: I had a summertime dream about travelling down a river in a small metal boat with my friends Dave Smiley and Neil Kay.
29-October-2008: I had a dream that I was at a fairly dull party with a bunch of drunk people out in the countryside somewhere. It was a nice sunny day so I walked off on my own and eventually came to a bridge over a very deep ravine with a river at the bottom. Somewhere in an area of long grass I heard my friend Jenny Sharpe laughing and talking to a bunch of people, having a party of her own that sounded much more interesting, so I dove off the bridge and swam to the grass where her party was.
28-October-2008: In waking life I’ve been bothered by this company who want me to make them a website but I don’t want to work for them. The two of them seem to take it in turns phoning me with more and more ridiculous lies for why I should still work for them, after they let me down countless times, and in last night’s dream a third person, called Tony, was phoning me up with a whole other angle on why I should do their website.
27-October-2008: I had a dream that my best friend from childhood, Sean Easton, came out from his house and declared that he was looking for a fight in order to surprise himself – in waking life he was the epitome of normality and unexciting.
26-October-2008: I had a dream I was in bed with a woman I used to work for, stroking her back, while her kids sat and talked to us. Her husband came home and I thought he should be mad at me, but he insisted that he pay me hundreds of pounds to look after his kids.
25-October-2008: I had a dream that I was an actor in a movie about a corrupt war. We had an army commander on set as a consultant who was adamant we shoot the movie on location, where the war was still taking place, because he secretly hoped that I, as a big superhero movie star, would be drawn into the actual fighting to give the war some credence.
24-October-2008: I had a dream that I went on a motorcycle camping trip with a friend called Kevin Dobbin. We pitched a tent on some grass near a railway line where we saw some kids playing chicken with the trains. I went to talk them out of it.
23-October-2008: I had a dream that my friend Jenny Sharpe was having a birthday party at 227 Heslington Road, somewhere she doesn’t have any connection with in waking life – in fact I’m not sure there is a 227 Heslington Road.
22-October-2008: I had a dream that my friends and I went to a massive theme park based on a computer game called Battlefield 2. The park was in a huge canyon where two teams, with hundreds of people on either side, attempted to capture each others’ flags.
21-October-2008: I had a dream that a friend called Helen owned a trendy clothes store and that I went to meet her there to go out for lunch. When I got to the store Helen wasn’t around but her young assistant was there instead and she gave me a critique of my clothes.
20-October-2008: I had a dream that I was on a passenger plane, flying really low over Africa from north to south, while my own hover-ship flew along on its own next to our plane. Our plane touched down in a dusty marketplace and it looked as though we were not going to make the full journey, so I got all the passengers onto my hover-ship and we all flew to South Africa where I met up with the ocean liner, Queen Mary 2.
19-October-2008: I had a dream that I was running away from someone in the future and that I tried to take a shortcut through some allotments (public gardens for growing vegetables etc) I know of in waking life, only to find they were all closed off and privatized.
18-October-2008: I had a dream that I bought a really cool tribal drum from a charity shop for £30, but when I got it home it didn’t play very well at all. I inspected the drum to see what might be wrong with it then realized I’d only bought a drum cover, not an actual drum.
17-October-2008: I had a dream that I went to a new DIY (do it yourself) store and found they were selling architectural plans for houses at 23 pennies each. So I bought one of the plans, which had the instructions for building the house on the back.
16-October-2008: I had a dream that I’d, on behalf of a cowardly family, annoyed a gang of rough Irishmen. When the gang came to the family’s house I directed them through to the back yard where they all, in turn and single file, stepped on some comedy landmines then came trooping back though the house with their faces all black with soot and their hair standing on end.
15-October-2008: I had a dream I was being hunted by a tank and jumped into a pool of very dirty water to hide.
14-October-2008: I had a dream that the police were doing a police roadblock training exercise and I, in passing, decided it would be fun to pretend to be a criminal and evade their roadblock and helicopter unit. I got their attention by squawking the helicopter’s radio with nonsense codes. The police, thinking I was part of the training, pursued me across fields and through some woods and eventually caught me up a tree.
13-October-2008: I had a dream that I was with Marcia, my wife, and her sister in a Turkish bath house and that they were trying to stop me from talking to other girls.
12-October-2008: I had a dream I was playing a live version of the computer game Battlefield 2 with my friend Neil Kay.
11-October-2008: I had a dream I was riding a hot air balloon over an alternate Earth trying to spot differences.
10-October-2008: I had a dream I was with some friends, riding dirt bikes around the backstreets of Kabul and other part of Afghanistan.
9-October-2008: I had a dream that I was in Russia on a train with Clive Anderson, a minor British celebrity, messing around with a teleportation device – teleporting Clive to stations some miles away, then teleporting him back on board the train as we passed by.
8-October-2008: I had a dream that I was in America with an autistic friend called Joseph. We went to visit a really cool airport that was all kitted out with 1970s chic furniture to the tiniest detail.
7-October-2008: I had a dream that I was at a huge outdoor party, set in a medieval town/film studio, for extras in past movies. I was in a bar with a large group of people watching video footage of myself and others dancing around, dressed as Citizens of Ankh Morpork.
6-October-2008: I had a dream that the UK national radio station Classic FM was donating £2 million to science projects.
5-October-2008: I had a dream that I took a girl to see the secret underground bunker underneath my childhood back garden that often appears in my dreams. When we got through some security doors we found a high tech map of the world that showed all the cities of Earth sometime in the far future, with comparisons to how they are now.
4-October-2008: I had a dream that I was walking down the street with my friend Ché Sanderson and he was been threatening in a jokey way that made me annoyed when usually it would not. I turned to face him then pushed him really hard so that he fell over and hurt himself on the pavement. Seeing him on the floor, looking hurt and slightly vulnerable, made me feel really guilty so I said I was sorry but tried to say it in such a way that he didn’t feel too much of a slight against his ego, which was almost impossible.
3-October-2008: I had a dream that I was somewhere in America where I found a ‘Swimming Pool For Fatties’ that had some truly enormous women swimming about inside.
2-October-2008: I had a dream that focused around four bottles of toxic chemicals that were volatile enough to cause a nuclear detonation if mixed with a certain metal. Most of the dream involved me keeping the bottles away from people who wanted to use them, which in the end they did.
1-October-2008: I had a dream that I was on my way to see an important client when I got stopped by a semi-retarded man who insisted that I was supposed to make a crappy website for him. I didn’t recognize the man or the website idea he was going on about, but kept talking to him anyway so he didn’t feel too upset, despite getting anxious myself about being late for my client and knowing there was no way this man could afford to have a website built anyway (all his possessions were in a plastic bag).