31-May-2004: I dreamt that my mum’s dog, Tilly, had taken on human form. She was walking around with a bag of meat scraps that I thought looked nice. When I tasted one of the scraps it was disgusting so I spat it out, Tilly laughed and said, ‘Of course it’s disgusting, it’s meant for dogs.’
30-May-2004: I was in a kind of modern day Jane Austen dream, going to horse racing events with the upper classes of England and living in a huge house; the house wasn’t mine but belonged to a wealthy family, I was staying in certain rooms. We were taking tea in the parlour, myself, two old ladies, two young ladies and a fat Yorkshireman with a broad Yorkshire accent. The fat man kept advising that the old ladies, who were the owners of the house, switch off the radiator in the room for fear of damaging the French polishing on the windowsill. Then about twenty minutes later he would advise that they switch it back on again as they were shivering from the cold. This happened about four times before I began to giggle, but stopped myself as the man turned around because I didn’t want to offend his pride. One of the young ladies had an intricate lattice of metalwork supporting her lower jaw that covered most of her left cheek and the bone of her right cheek. It was the most delicate crafting of finely woven silver I had ever seen, designed to assist here jaw movements, it seemed like part of her rather than some added mechanical construct. I asked her if it was servo assisted as I leaned closer to inspect the work where her lips poked through yet blended with the silverwork. She opened her mouth to answer but noticed I’d detected the faint mandible servos (made sense at the time) at her jaw connections. I knew then that she was either from or had been to the Gaelic planet that had gotten in touch with Ireland a decade ago. Humanoids from an undiscovered planet had decided to make first contact on Earth with the people of Ireland and trade fine silverware with them; they’d given Ireland the technology to build their own space station orbiting Earth to act as a trading centre between the two planets. There then followed a narration by a deep voice describing the workings and comings and goings of the Irish space station with footage of the masses of traffic heading to the station from Ireland and the Gaelic planet. The Gaelic (planet) people had refused attempts at trade with any other countries of Earth and were hardly ever seen in person by anyone. It was commented that the Americans were the most annoyed at not being able to trade but they could see that the only way to intervene would be to start a war, which they would surely lose (cut to thousand-strong flotilla of space ships), and did not want to enter into such a disastrous campaign. The fact that this girl had some of the Gaelic silverwork was a mark of mystique and no small amount of prestige for herself.
29-May-2004: An adventurous dream that had me leading a group of people through the jungles of central England (don’t exist) and down to Cornwall, via some rather exciting waterfalls. We then got on a bus that was heading for the coast; we started chatting to get to know each other as the driver accelerated the bus to speeds in excess of 100mph/160kph and discussed philosophy with us, and his take on upcoming events. He told us how they would try and break our spirits the moment we arrived; how they’d seek out our weaknesses and phobias and make us face them in evermore vile ways. I decided I wasn’t going to say anything to anyone from that point on until I discovered what was going on, I feared that we were being video taped to see if we would confess the odd fear or two to the driver or other passengers. We arrived at the boat, we were contestants in a reality TV show.
28-May-2004: I was in a strange dream house; I’m pretty sure it was my house but I’ve never seen it before. A lot of my friends were there but they were all in different bodies, some were different sexes, my brother was in the body of a young girl. One room in the house had a Frenchmen in it, 
teaching a rhinoceros to do tricks. He was saying things like, ‘La droite de tour de rhinocéros, rhinocéros vont à gauche,’ and the huge creature was prancing around the room like a circus horse. I had a bit of trouble getting out of the room because the animal wanted to charge me, but I convinced its trainer to subdue him and let me out.
27-May-2004: I dreamt I was riding the bus to the suburbs with my mum’s dog, Tilly. A girl started talking to me and stroking Tilly; she was trying to distract me while her gang hijacked the bus, it didn’t work and a huge kung fu fight ensued that spilled out of the bus and into a park. I beat most of the gang off before they started coming at me with knives, this only made me laugh even more than I already was; they were no match for my Lau Gar, not to mention Tilly harassing their ankles.
26-May-2004: A dreamy dream walking along the streets of London with ghostly figures brushing past me and walking through me; one figure came up to me and pointed at the logo design on my t-shirt saying, ‘That’s all wrong, it’s the wrong one.’ After that I found myself at a swimming pool where a girl was arguing with someone about the length of the pool, she thought it was ten metres long and the other woman thought it was fifteen. It was actually twenty-five; I told the girl that if I was correct (which I was) and the pool was actually twenty-five metres long, she would have to sleep with me. The girl agreed but it was kind of a joke; in this dream she was my girlfriend and was sleeping with me anyway. Later we were walking by the river Thames when a man said he had lots of broken plastic spoons floating on the river that he wanted to give to me as a present; the only way to get the bits of dark red spoon was to use a new device that he’d invented, a magnetic bungee rope. He leapt off a high platform above the river wearing an all-metal suit and attached to a bungee rope; there were electromagnets underneath the platform and just below the surface of the river, the man switched magnets on and off as he bounced up and down between them and picked up my pieces of spoon.
25-May-2004: An action-packed dream where I was part of a ‘Mission Impossible’ style crew. Our main purpose seemed to be flying around the world by plane and helicopter, visiting extravagant parties just before they begin and wrecking the place. Smashing windows, crystal glasses, huge cakes and lavish decorations and spilling the champagne all over the floor then being chased out of the country by whichever drug baron/country leader/Hollywood star had just had their party wrecked by our team.
24-May-2004: Quite an amazing dream with a dense, black storm cloud that was partially developed floating near to the ground; I was able to peal away layers of the cloud and show my friends the electrically charged molecules that were massing and would eventually form lightning. We all had a turn at putting our hands inside the cloud and watched tiny white specs spin around our arms while static electricity made the hairs stand up along them.
23-May-2004: I dreamt I was back at the school I went to when I was five years old. They were holding a javelin throwing competition and I was getting nervous about my turn coming up. I whispered to a friend next to me that I couldn’t take a turn, the javelin would fly for miles and my cover would be blown.
22-May-2004: There had been a bizarre car crash along a one-way traffic system by the city wall in York, England. In my dream I was driving along towards the crash behind an old brown American car; the driver was an old American man who was in a kind of trance looking at the crash as he drove towards it, he was transfixed by the odd image of wrecked cars in a medieval moat. He was so hypnotized by the situation that he drove right along the one-way street the wrong way and caused a second pile up of cars even more horrific than the first.
21-May-2004: Dreaming I was the captain of the starship Enterprise from Star Trek, we’d been put in suspended animation for a few minutes but never noticed; we only found out because Data’s (an android) internal clock didn’t match the one on the ship. Data managed to unscramble the ships log where it had been partially deleted; it was the worst I could possibly imagine, Daleks (from Dr Who) had been on the bridge and stolen some of our technology, they’d also set our computer to silent auto self-destruct. We managed to halt the self-destruct, but the Daleks came out of cloaking and we heard their voices over the COM, ‘You will be exterminated!’ Their ship was more sophisticated than ours and came at us with a vengeance, we were taking a hell of a beating; sparks and fires were everywhere with bodies flying across the bridge (like they do on TV). I was able to get a few lucky aft torpedo shots on the Dalek’s ship before we both crash-landed on a planet.
We’d been hiding The Doctor (from Doctor Who) on the Enterprise, he came climbing out of the wreck with us on the planet and helped us look for Dalek survivors, of which there were none. We took shelter in an old house as it started to rain, The Doctor was one of his older incarnation with grey hair; he paced up and down the hallway waving a walking stick and muttering about what was to be done. During a flash of lightning I saw Boba Fett (from Star Wars) outside in the rain with two look-alikes, I sneaked up to them to see what they were up to, using a tricorder I heard them saying they had a contract to kill The Doctor and myself. I went back to report what I had heard and The Doctor began setting up all kinds of elaborate plans to trap the assassins, they were all crackpot ideas in my opinion but I never said anything. I set my Star Trek phaser to ‘kill’ with a wide beam and shot the three of them as they dropped through the roof. After that I met a girl in an orange bikini (I must have been the Captain Kirk type leader) and we had a great time.
20-May-2004: Dreaming something about Battlestar Galactica, but I woke up early and decided not to go back to sleep again.
19-May-2004: My mother had bought a new house that she intended to renovate and resell, I dreamt that I went with her to meet the present occupants and see what needed doing to the house. I was dressed in a cheap Japanese kimono that I bought from Narita International Airport (Tokyo) years ago; it’s very flimsy and doesn’t feel like the kind of clothing you’d want to wear to meet people in public. When we got there three North African men answered the door, they were speaking French so I started talking to them. Coincidentally the house used to belong to a friend of mine called Bill, we used to have parties there when I was a hippy art student. I was explaining, in French, to the three men how I used to come to parties in their house and how we used to look up at the stars from the kitchen, which had a glass roof that looked up to the sky. I was getting uncomfortable in my cheap kimono so I got the mothership to send me home for new clothes, instead it sent me to the Ukraine where I was doing a deal with a landowner to build him a road through his one thousand-mile-wide estate. I can’t remember how much money I was asking for, so much per mile, but he thought it was too much. I gave him a fifty-metre-long example for free to change his mind. A great red beam of light sliced through the sky (from the mothership) and reformed a fifty metre length of dirt road into perfectly formed stone roadway, complete with curbing, drainage and even a little pretty wall at either side. The stone forming the surface of the road was of a quality not available on Earth, it was smooth but not slippery and never wore away. The Ukrainian agreed to pay me twice as much as I was asking for the same thing right across his land.
18-May-2004: Another dream with brotherly advice, sort of. My brother and I were in our old living room where we grew up with Keith Skinner (my friend from school) and one of my brother’s friends. My brother’s friend was picking a playful fight with Keith, hitting him a little harder all the time, until Keith hit him back harder still and they both stopped and laughed. My brother started picking on Keith in the same way only I knew he wasn’t going to stop; he was going to actually beat him up. Everyone was laughing because they couldn’t see what was going to happen, Keith was hitting my brother back a bit harder every time like before but my brother was actually getting a temper up. My brother’s friend started to realize what was going on and started to try and talk my brother out of it, Keith was too nice to notice. I made a ding ding sound as if to end round one and they stopped the pretend/real fight for a break. The dream went into a weird shot after that where I was looking into my brother’s face and could see nothing else. I showed him images of his life and wanted to know how it feels to have no real friends, did he know he didn’t have any real friends; explaining that all his closest friends were actually scared of him and would rather be his friend than his enemy. Even his closest friends knew he was violent and would make excuses to leave, or simply run away, whenever they could see he was getting wound up. He knew exactly what I was talking about and wanted to change but he didn’t know how, he said he’d been to see someone about it and I explained that it is a life-long problem that needs him to see someone every week for a long time, possibly forever, to help him. I was telling him how even his family is afraid of his behaviour, so afraid they haven’t dared to say anything like this before. I made an odd analogy between him and one of those toy robots you put on tabletops that always switch direction when they get to the edge; saying he was like the robot trapped on the table, always turning in on himself rather than face up to his anger problems.
17-May-2004: My brother kept popping into my dreams and asking me for advice on his marriage and relationships with people in general. I kept repeating that he simply has to stop lying and cheating all the time, there really is nothing more to it than that. I had another out of body experience in the morning but it was nowhere near as much fun as the one I had the other day.
16-May-2004: Another epic dream that started out at a TV studio in London; we’d finished shooting a quiz show and my friends and I were at an after-show party. It was getting a bit boring so I arranged for us all to do something special, I asked my friends if they wanted to do something they’d never done before and they all said they were up for anything. I’d had a new jet plane designed and built without telling anybody, it looked 
like a Lear Jet on the inside but its outward appearance was that of a medium-sized fighter-bomber. We took the jet out over Europe, it was completely invisible to radar (and sight at the flick of a switch) so we had to watch where we were going, there were a couple of near misses flying over London Heathrow airport. Neil spotted some USAF jets practicing tactical operations along a deep ravine, like in the movies, so we flew in amongst them and copied all their moves. After a while we landed in the bottom of the ravine to get some fresh air and have a look around. We found a fat alien (from outer space) woman crying over her dead husband’s body, she told me how the ‘Special Forces’ had murdered him without provocation as a convoy of evil-looking trucks began to assemble at the top of the ravine. One of my friends shouted for us to quickly get back in the plane but I said there was no need and pointed at the early morning sky. There was a swift rumble of thunder that preceded the arrival of the most beautiful spaceship anyone has ever seen. It was mostly blue with ripples of white organic-looking veins running through it, the front was a mass of intricate artistry that looked like crystalline formations. It was huge but somehow managed to wheel overhead and land as softly as an empty silk parachute between the evil trucks and ourselves. All of us but one were beamed on board; the sensation of being de-atomized was very unusual, it was like the whole universe had been dematerialised, shifted, and rematerialized around me. An enemy alien had tied the remaining friend to a tree with some insipid metal strips that prevented her from being beamed aboard. The ship took off and gently swung around, extending a kind of pod-like tube towards the tied up girl. While this was going on the female captain of the ship was appraising me on the state of the war, of which I was only dimly aware. We got the girl free from the tree but the seed of an alien got into the vent of the ship.
Much later the seed had grown into a twelve-foot-high orange ape that was semi-intelligent. It had grown too big for the ship so we landed on a grassy planet to let it go free. Something about the planet triggered off its pre-programmed purpose and it started talking about how it must eradicate all none descendants of apes and revealed a primitive handgun that fired bullets. It started sniffing the air and everyone thought it was cute; smugly safe in the knowledge that they were all descended from apes. But then it got a whiff of me and opened fire. Since my dream last year in which I invented the EMP shield I’ve always been wearing a personal version in any kind of space or combat related dream; the bullets that the ape fired at me ricocheted off the shield, no projectile weapon can ever affect me in my dreams now, but went further to convince the ape I was somehow more alien than it first thought and decided it must capture me. It came running at us and we all fled into a nearby university, my friends hadn’t figured out that the ape was only after me, they assumed it had just gone berserk from being unaccustomed to being out in the open air.
15-May-2004: A dream about a long straight stone stairway (ummm, alliteration) that seemed like it was going up to a stereotype heaven or something. Everyone I’d ever met was walking up it with me; I was thinking how strange it was that I still recognized everyone’s voices, some I’d known since I was five years old but hadn’t seen for nearly twenty years.
14-May-2004: Woke up early then drifted off into an out of body experience, floating around my room laughing at myself. I noticed an extra window where there shouldn’t be one that looked out over the garden where I grew up. I thought it was amazing and actually said, ‘Wooowwww.’ Then I started noticing other things in the room that were slightly different; some pictures on the walls that I no longer have or never had, most notably a reflexology diagram that was very colourful. It was raining like the end of the world outside the window that is supposed to be there, all the people were out on the street cowering around a huge puddle, one of them used a device on the end of a very long pole to suck me out through the window and into the rain. I was enjoying being able to fly too much for it to bother me though.
13-May-2004: Dreaming I was in a house or a club, I’m not sure which, more likely a club. My friend Neil had just come back from India 
and was telling Steve (another friend) and I about his roll of Rolexes he had in his pocket. He brought out a bundle of the expensive watched that were all wound up into a roll, there must have been thousands of dollars worth, and said they cost him about 69 shinknars (dream currency from nowhere on Earth) a piece; which means he’d bought the lot for around 10 English pounds. He threw one to me, which had all kinds of complicated readings on it, and suggested I should have it. I asked him whether he meant for free or how much he wanted for it, but he never seemed to hear me and started talking to Steve instead. A girl came in who looked a bit like Cameron Diaz, only a bit rougher around the edges, and tried to talk with everyone but kept getting ignored. The only person who would talk to her was N who fancied her. Neil kept teasing N about fancying the girl and N kept walking out of the room and coming back in again; the girl never noticed that Neil was teasing him and just waited for him to come back in every time. The feeling of the dream suggested they were destined to be together, and soon, despite any teasing from Neil.
12-May-2004: I dreamt that a family I go and visit in real life phoned me at 3 o’clock in the morning and asked me to go around to their house. When I arrived the children were in bed and the father was at the kitchen door outside smoking a cigarette, he told me he’d officially stopped smoking so he had to do it outside so his wife wouldn’t smell it when she came home. When she did get home she woke everyone up and made them gather in the living room, at 4 in the morning, and asked me if I could go to Scotland with them to preside over a wedding. I had no worries about the wedding part but I really didn’t want to go all the way to Scotland. The mother got a laminated map out and showed me where I had to go, as I looked at it I magically appeared in Scotland, driving an old brown Jaguar car in the dark. I tried to get a good look at the place as I drove as fast as I could back to England, I had decided by this time that I was going to come to Scotland for the wedding, but I was freaking out a bit at suddenly find myself there. I took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up in Liverpool instead of York; the car had gone all rusty and was falling to pieces, a local crime boss/business man (not sure which) said he wanted me to drive him to York but I’d have to get a new car, for which he gave me a lot of money. The main character changed from me to someone else receiving the money, he laughed and said he could now pay off all his debts and skip the country.
11-May-2004: Dreaming about ‘The Three ages of Superman’, a Maljonic production, in which I played the leading role. I was with some friends in my childhood home, outside it was dark and a tremendous electrical storm was flickering the sky alight. Whenever I stuck my thumbnail into the middle of my palm I went to one of the three ages of Superman’ either his childhood aged around 8; his teens around 17 or fully grown as a man when he first met Lois Lane on a rainy day (only in my epic production) to tempestuous music. The whole thing was a musical with a bit of narration; none of the songs lasted very long and they all sort of blended into the action, so one might be forgiven for thinking it wasn’t a musical at all.
10-May-2004: There’s an evil woman called Janine Butcher on a British soap called 
EastEnders, she killed her husband and is generally an all-round bad girl. She was in my dream last night begging me to help her stay out of prison; there were lots of pairs of silver scissors in the room, I had to keep picking them up to stop Janine from getting them and stabbing me in the back.
9-May-2004: I dreamt that my friends Neil and Jenny moved into the house we all used to live in when we were art students. It was quit strange, especially as they asked if I wanted to be a lodger in my old room. I went away to think about it and found myself in a boat in the middle of the South Pacific Ocean, chatting with some locals. I told them I was going to sail to America and set off in the wrong direction.
8-May-2004: The dream started out nice with me meeting an interesting girl as I walked around York in the early evening. We got talking then sat and watched a couple fight each other with Japanese swords. Then we went to a market stall where a woman was selling bars of chocolate, I used my magic powers to make a chocolate bar rise into the air then ate it. The girl asked me if I wanted to go to a nightclub with her, when I asked her which one she had in mind she reeled off a list of places I’d never heard of. I said I hadn’t been here for a few years so I don’t know any of the newer places. We had a bit of fun going through all the old names of some of the clubs as they’d changed hands over the years until I figured out where she was talking about. We never went to a club because loads of police officers came into the centre of town to warn everyone there was a huge gang of football hooligans coming into York, they were being lead by a notorious riot 
starter (can’t remember his name now) and the police feared the worst. The girl and I and another friend (who popped out of nowhere) climbed to the rooftops to stay out of trouble. We never actually saw the rioters but there was evidence of their presence, tear gas, blocked roads and angry shouts echoing down the streets. We just sat high up on a roof near the mayor’s house and waited to see what would happen.
7-May-2004: A rather typical dream wherein my stepfather was threatening to hit me; I was taunting him about it, asking him why he wanted to hit me with such deep feeling. I went to town with him and my brother (stepfather’s real son) later but left them alone, I was pretty sure they wouldn’t have noticed.
6-May-2004: An epic adventure of a dream that continued every time I woke and went back to sleep. I started off as a psychiatrist at a mental hospital in Middle America. A lot of the hospital’s patients had been going missing over a number of weeks, I went to get some supplies that were kept in the basement and found myself being pursued by zombies. I got a gun and bullets off the corpse of a security guard that we thought had skipped town months ago, and went on a zombie-killing rampage that lasted a good hour or so. I emerged from the basement covered in blood and gore and my colleagues were convinced that I had been dragging the patients down there and killing them one at a time with the aid of my accomplice, a guy named Barney who’d helped me through the last few feet of zombies and back up the stairs. We made a run for it out of the hospital and into some fields; we were hoping to get to the fast-flowing river about a mile away and leap in and let the current take us away at speed. We got to the river just ahead of the police and bloodhounds at one end of a mechanical bridge that was being raised. The two of us leaped over the edge to land in the river, but somehow got caught up between the gearing of the bridge in a very narrow gap. We weren’t in much pain and our pursuers could not see us at all, assuming we leaped into the river they ordered boats and helicopters to search for us. We stayed there a couple of days, very hard work but worth it as everyone figured we were miles away by then. In fact we crept back into the hospital to get some money we’d stashed away and our passports then went to England, UK.
I’d invented a new kind of helicopter that didn’t have any rotor blades but, instead, had two fans on either side to keep it aloft; I was supposed to be selling it to the Russians, after having being laughed out of a Naval office in America, the Russians never showed and we were destitute and broke and needed to make a name for ourselves in England. I arranged for the new ‘Hovercopter’ to land right in the middle of York town centre in the north of England. I was getting rival companies to bid on the Hovercopter while a great clock in the town counted down to the machines arrival. This went on for about a week and people were beginning to suspect that I’d made the whole thing up, that it was a thinly veiled scheme to take everyone’s money. The only people that believed my friend and I were two female bank workers where we were staying (in the bank) to keep safely away from the crowds. There was something even more special about the Hovercopter, it was completely airtight, and had a revolutionary type of rocket and ion-drive that could power it past the limits of our atmosphere and into outer space. It actually came from outer space in the first place anyway, Catface had made it for something to do while I was messing around being a psychiatrist in America. I really did intend 
giving it to the Americans who ridiculed me, then the Russians who never showed up when they were supposed to, then I was even mistrusted by all but two of my own townspeople. In the end I got Catface to pilot the Hovercopter by remote to a different part of town (The Eye of York) and the four of us, my friend and I and the two girls from the bank, flew off into space.
5-May-2004: There’s a woman that lives near me called Lisa that I say ‘Hi’ to now and again and had a long drinking session with once. In last night’s dream it was like I’d been going to visit her for years; I had my own keys to her house and used to go around there nearly every day. For some reason I hadn’t been around for months, or even years, but found myself at her back door and letting myself in. I felt really odd, like I shouldn’t really be there. I got to the main living room but she wasn’t there, there was a piano right in the middle of the room with an African printed sheet over it and candles on top. Lisa came down then and explained why it was better for her mind to have the piano in the middle of the room instead of up against the wall, after that we sat together and I stroked her feet.
4-May-2004: Another dream with my stepfather, only this time it was at home where I grew up. Everything was in a mess with clothes and blankets all over the living room floor. My mother came in with a cup of tea for me though I already had one that I didn’t really want, so I was lumbered with two cups. I was trying to tidy the room but other mess kept coming in via my stepfather; all the important documents of the house were strewn across the room and under clothes 
and blankets, I tried to reorganise them but they were all written in Hebrew script that I can’t read. I sorted the entire mess of documents by sticking them inside an old Singer sewing machine.
3-May-2004: I keep having this recurring dream where I’m in Scotland staying in a big
country house with my stepfather and brother, or a friend. I had the same dream last night, we are in this big old house, a bit like Carberry Towers (a place I visited as a child) near Edinburgh, and my stepfather has control over where we go. The place is too far away from anywhere to walk and he has the only car and keeps the keys hidden.
2-May-2004: Dreaming I was in an illegal road race with Marcia as my co-driver; the only rules were that everyone had to race at night in the dark and we weren’t allowed to use any lights. At one point a red Porsche skidded off the road, before it had time to reverse back onto the road and rejoin the race we rammed the back (where the engine is on Porsches) and put it out of the race. It was really difficult to tell who was winning because we could hardly see anything until daylight, when we had to stop and wait till dark to obey the rules. The next stage was going to be through New York and I thought we could use Marcia’s knowledge to come up with a few shortcuts. We went to her apartment and found that my friend Che was already there, talking to Marcia’s father and brother about motorcycle engines. Marcia went to another room to get a map she’d made earlier that turned out to be the most elaborate triptych I’d ever seen; it was a three-dimensional model of Manhattan and Jersey with a clear route through upstate New York to the finish line, great care had been taken to recreate every building in Manhattan and along our route with tiny Lego bricks – a true masterpiece that looked like a lifetime’s work.
1-May-2004: I dreamt I was working in a Japanese restaurant in Paris; we had just closed and the owner was telling the head waitress that she had great hosupatalu (or something similar), he kept repeating it but she didn’t know what he meant. She asked me what he was saying, knowing I speak Japanese; I had to laugh because he wasn’t speaking Japanese, but trying to muddle through half French and Half English that she was very good at hospitality. Just then a local mafia mob raided us, but the owner shot them all dead. The gun he had was really unusual; gold in colour with a strange cartridge attached above the barrel to hold more bullets. Instead of the usual six the revolver should hold, the extra cartridge on top allowed it to fire eighty-nine bullets before it was empty.