30-June-2008: I had a dream that I was planting explosive at a lock gate on the river Foss in York where I live. However, when I went to detonate the explosive they just went ‘pop’ with some smoke because they were only pretend explosives that my friend Ché Sanderson had been using in some Airsoft, WWII re-enactment.
29-June-2008: I had a dream that I was back at my childhood school, yet retaining my adult intelligence, explaining to Mister Hayton (the headmaster/principle) which of his teachers were good and which ones were bad. Mister Hayton himself was one of the good ones, I said, as were the art teacher Mister Brudenell and the German teacher Mister Dellagarner… and the worst two were Mrs Kellet and Mister Gutierrez, the latter been worst of all.
28-June-2008: I had a dream that I was at a country hotel, in the garden, where I met a very sexy girl and kissed her. The next thing I knew I was buried underneath a huge pile of furniture, unable to move, as a punishment by the girl’s boyfriend. I managed to escape and climb out through a window and, as I was looking for a car I could use to drive away out front, there was a huge flash in the sky and an atomic mushroom cloud appeared in the distance. I failed to get into any cars and decided to run away towards a forest, hoping the atomic blast was too far away to affect us where we were. After stumbling through the forest for a while I found a clearing where some bikers, dressed as silly Vikings (with those horned helmets that never actually existed in real life), standing around a barbecue and drinking beer. Loads of concrete trapdoors were opened around the clearing and a missile was launched from one of them. I thought if another bomb lands closer we might all, the bikers and myself, be able to climb into one of the silos and close the lid to stay safe. After I woke up it occurred to me that this is the first time in a dream that I’ve ever seen nuclear missiles being fired, where our, or my side was attacking back.
27-June-2008: I had a dream that I had found a way to cure Alzheimer’s disease by using Soul Speak. Some thought spoke to me that the disease was only a blockage caused by a small amount of misfiring synapses and that using Soul Speak, with it’s extra powerful signals, would force open the blockage and instantly cure the disease. I tried to get on the phone to Terry Pratchett (a British author who I’m a fan of who was diagnosed with AD last year) and tell him, but I realised it was impossible to not sound like a kook and that I would never get past his personal assistant.
26-June-2008: I had a dream that I was in a spaceship made entirely from what appeared to be glass cubes. The ship was enormous but saved energy by only powering the cube sections that happened to have people in them. Is could also instantly create another cube around any damage caused by space debris or attacks.
25-June-2008: I had a dream that my friend, Paul, who’s paraplegic, had a climbing wall put in his house.
24-June-2008: I had a dream that I was in New York City, well Brooklyn actually, eating scrambled eggs with some Russians around a table on the sidewalk.
23-June-2008: I dreamed that I was in an episode of a 1970s TV show called Quincy MD, about a Coroner, that centered around a quarry where a crane operator had a pet meerkat and the foreman was almost crushed to death when a massive scoop was accidentally, supposedly, released from the crane.
22-June-2008: I had a dream that I was taking artistic photographs around a small town somewhere in America. Lots of the townspeople would stop and pretend to appreciate what I was doing, when I knew they didn’t have a clue, because I was the latest fad around the river bridge area.
21-June-2008: I had a dream that I was in some kind of fancy emporium buying snakes. The shop keeper was showing me how to hold a snake I bought so it couldn’t bight me, while I kissed a girl’s feet on her soles.
20-June-2008: I had a dream I was in York, where I live, driving a red MG sports car with my mother and telling her all about the Golden Tulip hotel dream I had the night before.
19-June-2008: I had a dream that I went to Amsterdam with my friends, Neil kay, Jenny Sharp, Dave Smiley and Mark . At first we were supposed to be camping in tents, but some girls we met looked kind of lost with the whole tent idea so I asked everyone if they would prefer to stay in a fabulous hotel room, all expenses paid. Jenny and Neil were reluctant at first, partially because they wanted to camp out to reminisce, but they finally had to admit that a luxury penthouse party with endless champagne was too much to resist. So I took everyone to the Golden Tulip, which I owned in the dream only there were some new people at the desk who didn’t believe me when I got there, dressed so shabbily. My friend Dave was very drunk already, as usual, and said he would complain to the management if they didn’t show us our rooms immediately and, of course, we all told him to be quiet as his protests were pointless considering I owned the hotel. A new Spanish guy behind the desk did in fact ring the manager and told me he was on his way down, to which I replied “what do you mean, on his way ‘down’, his office is right there?” pointing to a door behind the desk.
Dave was getting impatient again so I explained to him calmly that the stupid man behind the desk had no idea how much trouble he was causing himself by not believing I was his boss, at which point the clerk sniggered and said “in trouble, yeah we’ll see about that” in Spanish…. and I carried on talking to Dave, now in Spanish, saying: “you see, Dave, the man is such an idiot that he didn’t notice that I know where the manager’s office is and where he should be but, far worse than that, there is also a photograph of me right behind his head, framed in gold, on the wall. Dave didn’t understand what I was saying, but laughed uproariously when his eyes followed my finger pointing to the picture, and the group of people I was with all said “aaah”. The manager appeared at this point, tucking his shirt in, and it was obvious he’d been abusing the facilities as he exchanged furtive glances with a blonde haired woman leaving the hotel and getting into a taxi.
Anyway I demoted to desk clerk to bell boy, but only told the manager he was a rascal because he was looking after my hotel pretty well otherwise, and we all took a secret, very fast, elevator to the top floor and had a fantastic party on the roof.
18-June-2008: I had a dream that I was with Bo and Luke Duke, from the 70s TV show The Dukes of Hazzard, trying to find oil. One of them had made a strange concoction, like Moonshine with some kind of milk mixed in, that they were pouring down cracks in the earth to try and force oil to come spurting out. Eventually some oil did come out and they danced around saying they were rich, like people do in movies on such occasion, getting covered with the black oil. Luke got a tap to stick over the oil eruption and control it and I asked him how they make money out of it now, who do we go and see to get paid for the oil? As I asked this I fiddled with the tap and it came loose, causing oil to leak out again but only very, disappointingly slowly.
We examined the fissure where the oil had gushed from only minutes earlier and saw that it was sinking back down a manmade hole, like someone had already mined the place long before we had tried it. The brothers walked away feeling disgruntled but I jumped up and down on the earth around the fissure, hoping that the little tremors would cause more oil to rise.
The dream changed so that I was in the back garden of my childhood home, still stomping around the oil fissure trying to loosen some deposits. Instead of oil though a strange concrete cylinder rose up from the ground to about eye level and my friends Neil Kay and Jenny Sharp came out from the house to see what it was.
The concrete cylinder opened at the top and an old fashioned gramophone, surrounded by brown glass, rose out of it. Near the bottom of the glass on a dirty band of metal was written Mayonyc 44. Jenny went to try and open the glass but I asked her to wait, I knew that it had something to do with me, that Mayonyc was my name sometime in the past. There were some concrete buttons on the side of the cylinder; I thought I just pressed them randomly but the glass over the gramophone disappeared and the record started playing. The plastic record was covered in brick dust so the needle couldn’t pick up any sounds, but there was a clean bit near to the centre so I moved the needle to there and everyone was shocked to hear my own voice, with a 1940s female singer in the background, explaining how I never die but go through periods of forgetfulness so I can set myself up with a new life without fretting too much over the past.
Neil and Jenny had found some old documents inside the cylinder while we listened to the message. There was a picture postcard of me in a circus in 1904, and an article about me and some friends in 1804 as well as pictures of me recording the message in 1944. I’ve always had the feeling in waking life like I’m not really here, like part of my memory is missing and that I could wake up at any moment – as if I might be from another planet or something. In this dream I was aware of this, so were Neil and Jenny, and we all looked at each other with the realisation of my origins – I wasn’t from space at all, I’d been here all along. In the same moments my memories became clear and I cried for some friends I had just like Neil and Jenny in 1904 who I knew must have died by now.
As the dream progressed I wondered why no one else knew about me, why I didn’t just tell everyone in the past times where I re-remembered everything, say in 1944. I tried showing people the pictures and newspaper copies from my past, but they all thought it was a trick with photography and doctored photocopies of old articles. I told one old lady that they were archive copied of my life called “Skopje Copies” that can never be destroyed, but of course she didn’t understand. I did manage to convince an old scientist and he even helped me discover my old house, which turned out to be invisible but the ground where it lay was never built upon. Lots of people had built near it, but there was always some geological defect, or mystical laylines discovered that prevented people from building on the location of my house in the past. The house had some kind of magical substance to stop it being destroyed or built upon so that I could travel through time inside my house and be sure of appearing somewhere safe because the house was always there. Just before I woke up I was explaining to Neil and Jenny how I could take them through time to meet my other friends in 1904 and 1804, the dates had been fixed as waypoints in my history.
17-June-2008: I had a dream that King Kong had started talking and was part of our family, but God or some other supernatural force had altered King Kong so that his brain was slowly reverting to its earlier self as he could not be happy living amongst humans and speaking English. We took King Kong into a rainforest where he splashed around in a large rock-pool and said goodbye to us, giggling as his mind faded away and his English language deteriorated. The supernatural force was asking King Kong if he was happy in the rainforest, if it was nice to splash around in the water, and if he understood that it was the right thing to do, leaving us behind. King Kong nodded and gurgled like a baby, using his last few words to say that it was the right thing to do and that he loved us very much but we had to leave him in the rainforest. We cried and walked away down a hillside as King Kong continued to play in the rock-pool.
16-June-2008: I had a dream that a friend I haven’t seen in years, Bob Addy, was slowly going blind and losing his memory.
15-June-2008: I had a dream that I was in World War Two, attacking German soldiers with a pie-throwing machine.
14-June-2008: I had a dream that my wife had been in the shower and came into the room all dripping wet and sexy…
13-June-2008: I had a dream that my mother made some pasties with what she called ‘pretend fish’ inside. Making pasties with fish inside is unusual in itself, but this pretend fish tasted absolutely revolting and I couldn’t even swallow a tiny mouthful. She also made a pretend chicken that looked exactly like a real chicken but was made from quorn or something similar. I thought it might taste better than the pretend fish pasties, but was afraid to try some. Just before I woke up Homer Simpson came along and sniffed the chicken and, predictably, said “ummmm, pretend chicken”.
12-June-2008: I had a dream that I was going to meet Marcia, my wife, in Southampton (England) to board a ship and that I somehow became immensely wealthy on the way there.
12-June-2008: I had a dream that I was shooting videos of steam trains.
11-June-2008: I had a dream that I went to a new Tai Chi class, just to compare it to my current class, and it was totally rubbish. All the people at the class stood around drinking tea and eating biscuits, never actually doing any Tai Chi at all and only talking about it.
10-June-2008: I had a dream that I discovered a TV show that taught people how to speak Japanese through a sort of soap opera based in a provincial town in Japan where everyone wore very bright colours. The show made me feel sad and a little wistful of my earlier times in Japan.
9-June-2008: I had a dream that my friend Carl Sanderson was trying to remove the passenger seat from an old Land Rover. I couldn’t get the seat out and walked away in frustration, shortly after which a terrorist in a jeep, with C4 explosives strapped to the front, rammed into the Land Rover and it exploded, catapulting the seat high into the air.
8-June-2008: I had a dream that a female stranger came up to me and asked “are you interested in Aiki Ninjutsu at all?”.
7-June-2008: I had a dream that I was trying to leave Edinburgh in Scotland but everyone was plotting to stop me.
6-June-2008: I had a dream that I was at the gym with a British, middle of the road average family comedian called Harry Hill.
5-June-2008: I had a dream that I was fiddling with computer equipment in middle of town where I live, on Coney Street in York. As I tinkered a friend called Angelika came up to me and asked if I was going to show up for the writers’ meeting. I was meant to be there in twenty minutes, and I assured her that I would be and that I was just trying to get the computer to list some objects I had in a plastic box in order of magnetism. The computer screen showed a table listing the items I had in the box, and I was trying to make each of them imbibe various levels of magnetism to see if they would automatically move up the list on the screen.
4-June-2008: I had a dream that I was in a Special Forces unit, like the SAS or Navy SEALS, on a Pacific island at night setting booby traps and blowing up fuel barrels.
3-June-2008: I had a dream that a German friend who I know as Hsing was staying with us, and when she was leaving I said “Sabia Cobas?”, which as far as I know means nothing at all in any language.
2-June-2008: I had a dream that I was riding a bicycle on a street in a big city in America, possibly Atlanta, while reading a graph that showed how many street signs were stolen each day by tourists and teenagers wanting to put them in their bedrooms.
1-June-2008: I had a dream about a new kicking and punching style for Tai Chi, where you kick and lunge through imaginary trees in a jungle.