31-July-2004: I dreamt I took part in a bicycle race; it was an awesome off-road event that covered about 50 miles of countryside around York, England, with thousands of entrants. The last mile was a hugely steep hill that most people walked up to finish the race; I knew I was going to ride all the way up and be the talk of the town for years to come. My friend Che and I took a detour through a golf store, I couldn’t resist knocking over a row of golf clubs and laughing as we were chased out of the store. I don’t remember the race finish but it was a long dream of sunshine and green grass.
30-July-2004: I dreamt that my friend Dave was living in a grotty house on an army base, he was quite swiftly going completely mad. His drunk friend was carrying a box and Dave asked him to move back a bit so he could see something in a corner; I jokingly told his friend to move back a bit further, pretending to take a photo as if he was backing towards a pool in slapstick style. Dave started rocking in his bed and kept repeating, ‘just a little further,’ over and over; like he meant just a little further till he was insane.
29-July-2004: I dreamed there was a host of veterinarians dancing and singing something about their degree, the uniforms they had to wear, and whether the animal they were about to operate on was a dog or a cat.
28-July-2004: I dreamt that I gave a group of younger people a ride to a secret school near Gatwick airport, south of London England. I ended up having to sit in the class with them as they all discussed their strong points and why the school should enrol them as students of the secret arts. I kept answering all the questions the Principal was asking the potential students because they were all too stupid to answer for themselves, it was a little frustrating watching them struggle. I went for a walk through the corridors and found a few people following me; they were so obviously special agents it was sad, I told them to go away when they asked if I’d like to enrol in their college. A doctor heard that I wasn’t interested in joining and thought I must be delusional; he followed me around for ages trying to prove there was something wrong with me. I’d had enough and called down the mothership to come and get me; the doctor took me talking into my watch and asking for the mothership to come and get me as further proof of my insanity. I ignored him and went outside to show Catface where to land; it made the mothership look like an old Gemini module from the 1960s and squashed a chain-link fence when it landed the ship fairly near to the spot I was pointing at. The doctor declared that I was so delusional that my thoughts were infecting his brain; he said the fact that he could see the space ship on the back lawn showed just how powerful my hallucinations were. Again I ignored him, climbed aboard and set course for New York…
27-July-2004: I dreamed I was in a bank with a large group of special needs children (I do something similar in waking life but usually just with one person at a time) deciding what to do. My mum was outside the bank as I directed everyone to follow me into the pedestrian street; I felt kind of proud that she saw me in charge of so many people, keeping my cool. We all went on a river trip in a big red boat.
26-July-2004: I dreamt I was in my childhood home; my brother was taking a bath and there was a gang of stereotype drug dealers out on the front lawn. I told my brother that he better get out of the bath because there are some ugly thugs breaking into the house. When the thugs came upstairs it turned out they were after me and my brother just ignored them; I leapt out of my bedroom window and flew across the street, the thugs couldn’t fly and had to come back down the stairs, so I got a head start on them. There was a really short naked guy running along the street in front of me; he thought I was chasing him but I was heading for a fast-looking white car at the end of the street, I was going to steal it quickly and get away. The short naked guy got into the car, it was his, and I jumped in after him; he was terrified but we became best friends in about a nanosecond and drove off before the thugs caught up with me or saw the car I was in. Instead of making a clean getaway we kept driving around town and coming back to where we started from; the thugs had gang members on all the corners looking for me, one of them spotted me as I was putting the roof up on the car because it was starting to rain. The gang set up a roadblock but we crashed through it and I leapt out of the car 
and stole one of their Harley Davidson’s; the rest of the dream was me riding the Harley around town being chased by the thugs, with my friend Dave in a sidecar attached to the bike. We had to keep stopping because the fuel hose was always coming away from the carburettor.
25-July-2004: A dream with lots of strange wedding themes; a couple of which included me behind a royal procession in a cathedral, lots of women in see-through night gowns were dancing to hip hop music while a royal prince and princess got married. I couldn’t find where I was supposed to sit; every time I went to sit down a bald man would say, ‘Now you see what you’re doing there, that pew is reserved for the press,’ or, ‘Now you see what you’re doing there, that pew is reserved for the nephew’s family.’ I eventually went and sat with some lawyers near the front, I heard, ‘Now you see….’ But ignored the rest.
Another wedding saw my friend Che getting remarried to Wendy, they were divorced two years ago, in my childhood home’s back garden. I missed most of it and appeared through the evergreen trees at the back; a friend called Richard Morgan was being the best man, he was totally naked giving speeches when I showed up. Che came over and asked, ‘Where the hell have you been? You were supposed to help me shift some furniture.’ I told him I didn’t see why I should, seeing as I wasn’t properly invited to his second wedding, not having anywhere to sit (this dream merging with the first one now) and I only found out about the reception in my own back garden by accident.
I later found myself using my telepathic powers to make a wooden chair fly me to town, it only worked if I had a picnic blanket over my legs. It was dark and I had two torches; I was using the torches as searchlights to look for a girl that ran away from me in a book store earlier, I was also making helicopter noises to that no one would notice I was only flying a chair. I had to land in an outdoor parking lot for a rest; when I started taking off again it was daytime; Jerry Springer appeared as I left the ground and said, ‘Wow, how much for me to do a show about you and that flying wicker chair?’ I ignored him and flew away.
24-July-2004: I dreamed I was in a sort of river race; rowing down the River Ouse in York, England. I found a new way to use the ores which I thought was kind of cheating; instead of rowing normally I splashed them up and down in the water like flippers, it made my boat go very fast and I won the race. I was in the desert after that talking to a jolly man from Durban, South Africa. He started sing a song with a smile that went:
Durban, Durban and England; all shiny an’ old.
23-July-2004: It was around Christmas time; it was dark in the dream all the time, I went to an off licence/liquor store near where I used to live called Jock’s by the locals. There was a huge queue that went all the way down the street; I thought I’d never be able to buy any alcohol before it closed for the holiday, then realized I had loads of the stuff in my car and didn’t need to bother. Later I was with some friends who were joking about how happy Jock must be to have so many customers; someone said he’s so tight that he’d probably stay open all Christmas.
22-July-2004: I dreamed I was at an all night public swimming pool, I got the impression it was very early in the morning and that everyone had been there since the previous day. I was with a friend called Dave in a huge Jacuzzi with dozens of other people; one slightly heavy girl kept trying to seduce me and I kept telling her to stop it, she was quite a tempting girl but there was no way on Earth I was going to be unfaithful to my girlfriend. I told her over and over that I wasn’t interested but she thought she could break me; in the end I pretended to follow Dave to the locker room to ask him something important, then got dressed and ran off.
21-July-2004: I dreamt I was with my brother and mother in Paris, France; we were exploring some kind of arty film theatre where every room was playing a different show. I wanted to go to the number 1 (main) room but no one else wanted to; my brother went into a room where a live 1920s style brass band was playing. My mother was in room 3 watching an old film from the 1040s. Later we 
were outside looking at the river Seine, it was frozen over and a London Black Cab drove past on the ice. I walked across the river, when I got to the other side my mother crawled across on her belly; in her wake a brick dam was constructed that blocked up the river. Something happened so that the dam became an essential part of Paris and its river, my brother went about taking it apart and revelled in the act, laughing as the water came flooding through the new cracks he created.
20-July-2004: There was some big adventure that I can’t remember but I ended up dreaming an argument about British politics; three of us were debating who would win the next election and who we wanted to win. I said I wouldn’t mind the Liberal Democrats winning, as that’s never happened before; an old grey-haired man said it would be terrible if the Lib Dems nearly won but didn’t make it because all their voters would be ex labour voters, then the Conservatives would win for sure. It was a very boring dream after that.
19-July-2004: I dreamt I was living on the top floor of a very high building; I was lying in 
bed watching the largest trebuchet I’d ever seen fling objects that I couldn’t make out into the distance. It wasn’t a medieval machine but a modern version like a huge crane hundreds of feet high; I had to find out what it was hurling so I went over to the construction yard it was on, the place was like an old cement factory or something. I got to the base of the huge machine and climbed the operator’s ladder up to the cab and hid; the operator was talking on a two-way radio to someone in a helicopter, I could just about see the flying object in the distance. He was advising that he hold fire because someone was walking his dog across the park; I got up and said, ‘Wow, this thing must throw stuff like fifty miles!’ The man replied that it fired stuff five miles actually; I found out that he was randomly flinging magical tree spores around the southern counties of England, they instantly began to grow when they hit fertile land. I noticed then that I was way too high, so high I felt vertiginous; I couldn’t stand it so I jumped off and landed softy at the bottom.
18-July-2004: I dreamed I was in a huge stadium sitting right at the back at the top with Louise Lunn (girl that used to bully me when I was 5) and Claire (don’t know second name, went to university with me); we were waiting for the Olympic Games to start, it was taking ages and I was really bored. Kylie Minogue and Madonna were a few rows in front of us; I told Claire and Louise that they were my friends, which they were in the dream, and that I’d probably be going to a party with them later; they weren’t sure whether to believe me or not. There was an old man telling dreadful jokes trying to warm up the crowd; the games were starting late because everyone was waiting for the Slovakians to show up. They were playing a sports theme tune and some pictures on giant plasma screens; I whispered to Claire that when I hear music like that at home I usually say, ‘Oh shit!’ and change the TV station for something less boring. Everyone around us heard what I said and started laughing, they we all as bored as me.
17-July-2004: After a dream about riding a Viking ship around Venice-like canals in the dark and driving it off a small waterfall, I was 
in a music store testing all the different instruments; I can almost play the piano in my dreams but it never quite works. Someone in the store had a tortoise on his shoulder, which fell off and a girl picked it up and hid it in a box.
16-July-2004: Dreaming I was with my mum and her dog Tilly, we were surrounded by roads; roads were above, below, left and right, swooping this way and that, there were no cars or any kind of traffic. We were in the 
middle of Spaghetti Junction near Birmingham in England, just after it had been built before it was officially opened in 1972. We had to get away before the cars started coming, Tilly hates cars and busy traffic; we ended up on a high speed train and I had to comfort Tilly because she’s never been on a train before, she was shaking with fear so I covered her ears so she couldn’t hear the sounds whizzing by outside. My brother kept poking Tilly in the mouth as if to cheer her up, but he was just disturbing her more. The train went off the tracks and drove down Fulford Main Street, in the village where I grew up, and I got out with Tilly to take her back to my place and calm down. On the way home I met my friend Chiemi, a Japanese woman married to my other friend Mark who’s been getting into too many drugs lately. Chiemi was with Ian (Mark’s best friend) and another Japanese woman I’ve never seen before, I was introduced but I forget her name. Mark wasn’t there and everyone was skirting around the issue apart from Ian who said something to me discreetly about Mark being wasted again. I was telling Chiemi how happy I was about finally falling in love with someone really nice and how she was coming to see me in a few weeks, when Mark showed up looking awful and said, ‘Trying to chat my wife up again are you?’ Which I never have done. Then Masayo turned up (my ex Japanese wife), who I haven’t seen in waking life for over 4 years, and started talking to the new Japanese woman about her boyfriend (the new woman’s) and looking at me as if to say she’s not available so don’t even bother. Everyone (considering what I’d just been saying about my new love), including the new Japanese woman, thought Masayo was being stupid and were either embarrassed or trying to change the subject. The new woman was glad to be wearing sunglasses to hide behind. Tilly had run off with Chiemi’s dog, Jonty, while all this was happening. I started using Soul Speak on Ian and the new woman to see 
if they wanted to sneak off to the pub and get away from the crazy people; they agreed and we snuck off to the Saddle Inn for a pint of Guinness each. We felt bad about leaving Chiemi with the others, but we knew she’d stay with her husband even if he was high on drugs. I had a telepathic image of the others realizing we’d gone and deciding to come and join us in the pub to cause trouble; as I saw them approaching the front door we three went and hid around the back until they left to search for us elsewhere.
15-July-2004: The dream started out in a British pub; I came through the front door and a gold ring rolled up to my feet, I picked it up and handed it to a child that had dropped it. The child was a girl and part of a group of twelve boys and girls; they had nowhere to live and ended up coming with me to a country farm I’ve never seen before, near a town I’ve never seen before. We all lived there for a few months, helping the farmer with his chores and playing in the fields and barns. Something strange happened to the farmer, at least it seemed strange to us but now I think he was very drunk, and he started shouting at us all to get off his property. I tried to get him to calm down but he started smashing farmhouse windows and yelling at me. I got all the children into a 
telepathic long-wheelbase Land Rover and took them back to the pub; I left them there and noticed the gold ring rolling across the floor as I left, the scene changed to a shot of the farmer crying and listing all the merits of the individual children he’d thrown off his farm.
14-July-2004: Sometimes I get these scary dreams that freak me out just after I first fall asleep, last night I had one of those dreams. I was in a dark house that I’ve never seen before, possibly on an army base, living with the same person (Ian) that I live with in waking life. Ian was upset with me because he found a book of his on my shelf in my room; he was unusually angry because I’d borrowed it without asking, both of which are strange because I’d never borrow anything from anyone without asking and Ian would never be upset even if I had. In this dream he was very upset; he wouldn’t allow me to apologize and put a surgical scalpel-blade into his mouth and started scrunching it around, cutting his tongue open and bleeding a lot. I told him he had to stop but he just grinned; I got a device out of my pocket that I use for repairing things in my dreams, it emits a green light beam that can do all kinds of amazing things (mostly good) to machines and animals. Ian knew what it was for and wasn’t going to let me fix his mouth and get the blade out, he swallowed it so that he’d cut all his insides, stomach and intestines open. I called an ambulance then went back to Ian who was unconscious with blood oozing out of his mouth; the whole house was dark now, bathed in pale green light from my machine, and it was night outside with just a few streetlight illuminating the gloom. I was about to operate on Ian when I saw his friend Alex through the window, she had a nasty looking guy with her that was also Ian’s friend. I was sure they would kill me if they found me bending over Ian’s bleeding body; I couldn’t pretend not to be in because there was an ambulance coming (I could hear it now) so I made the device put a green shield around the house that would let no one in until I could figure out what to do… it was so stressful that I woke up and put the light on, I’d only been asleep for an hour.
13-July-2004: I was the director of a college TV station somewhere in America; the main feature of our station was called The Appleby Home Show, it had reports from students, interviews with local people and a soap opera that ran 20 minutes every day. As well as directing the TV station, I also wrote the soap opera; a kind of low/er budget Sunset Beech based in and around school. The soap had a live audience that kept wandering onto the set; the worst offenders were two old ladies who were obviously doing it on purpose but pretending they knew nothing of how TV recording works. I spent a lot of time sitting in the audience trying to see the show as it would be broadcast, but had to go on the set a lot to give directions. Every time I went on the set the two old ladies tried to follow me but were stopped by security; they were saying, ‘Who’s that guy?’ meaning me, and, ‘How come he’s allowed on the set?’
12-July-2004: I dreamt I went into a café/British Fish and Chip shop where they were doing peculiar things with pies; they were unwrapping meat pies, removing all the pastry, pouring milk inside and adding extra meat and filling, then putting the pies back together again. On each table there was a synthetic fibre-glass-resin meat pie, firmly glues to the tabletop, which was supposed to temp customers into buying pies. Although I did not order a pie myself, I was inordinately fascinated by the false pie stuck to my table.
11-July-2004: I dreamt I was mischievously encouraging a young policeman to kiss Sally Dale (a girl from childhood school), who was offering 50 English pence to any man that would kiss her. I began figuring out how much money we could make if the young policeman kissed her a lot, but his partner came along and we had to speed off in their car; my brother and I were in the back of the police car, not sure why. They were off to arrest a drug dealer in Scarborough, England, which was forty miles away. I didn’t want to travel that far in a speeding car, I was afraid (claustrophobic in the back locked in) and told the policemen there were plenty of drug dealers nearby that he could arrest instead. They agreed and swung the car around. My fears for this dream were not over yet though; the town we went to was on a strange plateau and we had to go into a drive-in elevator. My brother and I were eating blueberry doughnuts; he said, knowing I’m afraid of being trapped inside, ‘Wouldn’t it be awful if this whole thing collapsed?’ I replied that I would be able to kill him with a single blueberry.
10-July-2004: I was at my dream version of York’s city wall with my friend Mark; some kind of unnatural disaster or plague had befallen the planet. Everything was grey and gloomy; a bulldog came and bit my closed hand and wouldn’t let go. Mark and I climbed to the top of the walls, dog still attached to me, and we looked over the edge where there was a drop of hundreds of feet, I shook the dog until it let go and fell down the long drop and landed on its back on some stairs. I expected it to go splat, but it only whimpered and ran away. We ended up in a dull room with a bunch of other refugees and one of them said, ‘the plot of this drama is crap, no wonder no one wants to watch it.’ And I said, ‘We can’t say things that aren’t in the script, someone might be watching, you never know, we don’t want to spoil the suspense for them.’
9-July-2004: I dreamt that My friends Carl, Che and their dad had a business somewhere in middle America; it was one of those huge airplane graveyards in the desert, I was new to the area and drove up there to work with them. The town I was newly living in was called Arnhem or Anehime, something like that. I could never figure out what my friends’ business was exactly, they hardly ever seemed to be doing any work and were always taking breaks. They took delivery of an old (actually new in waking life) M1A2 
Abrams Main Battle Tank; Carl wanted to know how to get the turret off, what tools he would need. I told him that the turret isn’t attached, its own weight keeps it on there, they just needed to use the crane and tie slings around the turret front and back and simply lift it off. They didn’t quite believe me but were very impressed when the turret just lifted off like I’d said it would. We went inside after that and I showed them how it was so easy to drive, it started after a few tries, using a joystick (like the ones used for computer games) to change directions; explaining how it was much easier to use than the two separate controls that drive either of the tracks like on other tanks. We had so much fun playing with the tank that we started ordering more old tanks; I personally bought 200 WWII Sherman Tanks and started hiring them out to businessmen who drove them around the desert for fun. We had a bit of trouble when a crazy American pilot thought my Tank Shop was an enemy base and opened fire, destroying some of my tanks. Part of the trouble was caused by Carl accidentally blowing up a vacant police car with the reassembled Battle Tank.
8-July-2004: I dreamt I was being followed around town by half a dozen secret agents as I was innocently shopping with friends, sort of. I was an alien from another planet and they were trying to see what I was up to. As the dream progressed it became more and more lucid; I kept adding to my powers, at first I was just a bit unusual, perhaps a spy, then I was an alien, then I could fly and finally I outran a bullet like Superman to stop someone being shot… I made myself wake up before I got too carried away in the roll.
7-July-2004: I had a dream where I was playing golf; only I didn’t have a putter or a golf ball, instead of a ball I had a scrunched up piece of silver foil, instead of a putter when I got to the green I picked up the ball and threw it at the hole.
6-July-2004: I dreamed I was looking at a picture of King’s Cross train station in London England; it was surrounded by water as if the whole city was flooded and only the station was above the water, it seemed like an artist’s impression of the future. I was with a woman called Grace that I know from the Terry Pratchett message board; she pointed out that it wasn’t a picture at all, that we were actually hovering over the real London as it is now, the image shifted around to the south so I could see the rest of London, it wasn’t as bad as I thought with just a few areas flooded. We ended up on a red London bus and I was saying how I wished I knew every street and area of London, but London’s design was so complex and confusing one might never get to know all of it. I told her how I used to live in Brighton and just get on random buses to see where they go. We were going to stay on this bus to see where it goes; the coat I was wearing had mud on the back that I got in the previous dream, two boys sitting behind us asked why my coat was covered in shit. I remembered I had a device in my pocket that fires a green beam over objects that makes them brand new again; I used it on my coat and the boys behind me wanted to know how I made my old dirty coat change into a new one. I realized I couldn’t really explain and didn’t bother trying to; they pointed out that we were driving through the West End and perhaps we would like to get off the bus (they meant that we were tourists), Grace wanted to go to the toilet so we did get off anyway. We were at a sort of castle, that doesn’t exist in the real London, and my friends Dave and Mark were outside waiting for us; they were waving at us, Dave thought Grace was someone else that I was supposed to be with, he asked me if it was here and I told him, ‘Don’t be stupid, this is Grace; she got married to Garner a few weeks ago.’ Grace asked me to tell her all the gossip, I knew she knew something but I told her it was top secret. We went into a dining room and wound our way through lots of people to a long table at the back, Grace introduced me to ‘Uncle Damien,’ I said, ‘Hello, Uncle Damien.’ She went to sit next to her husband, Garner, and was in the middle of introducing us when I woke up.
5-July-2004: I dreamt about my stepfather again; again he was being annoying, not to me this time. We were at King’s Cross train station in London; mother, brother, stepfather and myself, waiting for a train. My stepfather started looking at a bunch of people eating meals at restaurant chairs on the platform; he put his face right up to one woman and said, ‘Oh look, this one’s eating tomatoes, eggs, bacon and toast. And look how it’s eating it, doesn’t it look funny?’ The woman tried not to notice, and we all hoped our train would get here quickly.
4-July-2004: I was riding down some escalators with my brother and stepfather (who I haven’t seen in years) in my dream, he was telling my brother (his real son) how good he looked; I told him (dad) that he was an idiot for saying such things in front of me. He said, ‘What did I do? Can’t a father praise his sons now?’ I told him that it was son, not sons, he always only said good things to his real son; he just laughed like a fool as if I was imagining things.
3-July-2004: I dreamed I was with my mum in a nice park I’ve never seen before; we were trying to fly something, maybe a kite or a model plane? My mother went off to talk to Ainsley Harriot (a British TV chef) who started kissing her, it
seemed quite nice and I was pleased for them. I started talking to two old men on a park bench, thinking they look familiar but couldn’t quite work out who they were. Then, after a while, another old man walked past and said, ‘Afternoon, Doctors!’ And the two on the bench replied, ‘Doctor,’ together; I then realized I was talking to John Pertwee and William Hartnell, Tom Baker had been the other man, they were all actors who’d played the Doctor in ‘Doctor Who’ the British sci-fi time travel series.
2-July-2004: There was an Eastern European feel to this dream; a lot of tension was in the atmosphere because of two warring factions, I was the leader of one of them. My faction represented everything positive in life; freedom, being able to flourish, art and friendship. The other faction hated us, they were stuck in their ways, wanted to suppress artistic expression and wipe us out of existence. We were prepared to let them live the way they wanted, but they couldn’t abide the fact that we were even there at all. A huge fight was ready to boil up in the town; the people were deciding which side they wanted to be on, the other side was larger than ours and very confident that we would be crushed. Yet surprising amounts of people were joining our side, even some defectors from our opposite clan who knew their old ways were dying out. There was a Chinese girl that everyone kept calling Hong Kong that came over to our side; she was killed early on as the fighting raged through the streets, I regretted never finding out her real name. Her death gave me knew strength and I stormed the enemy headquarters, leaving my comrades behind, and went into a sort of kung fu frenzy mixed with a vampire’s lightning speed. By the time my friends caught up and overwhelmed their foes, I had already defeated the main core of the enemy clan single-handed.
1-July-2004: I dreamt that Marcia was showing me around New York with some friends she knew; we were all teenagers in the dream. We were using all kinds of cunning techniques to avoid paying money to travel on the subway, escaping through service tunnels, engineer’s doorways and a multi-story parking lot. We’d been doing it for months but the authorities were finally on to us; security guards at the top of a multi-story parking lot cornered us all, Marcia and I ran for it down the slopes between floors. When we got to the bottom the other kids were already there; they had been caught and brought down in the elevator, a man showed us how we could get a cheap saver ticket that lasts all day, unlimited travel, for only one dollar. We couldn’t believe no one had told us this before.