31-December-2009: I had a dream that I was the captain of a ship that sank and myself and others were in a large rowing boat, lost at sea and waiting for rescue. We saw a storm appear and tried to avoid it, but it was too large and quick and soon overtook us. In the centre of the storm there was a grey island where we were captured and imprisoned when we went exploring.
30-December-2009: I had a dream that an astronaut landed on an Earth-like planet, which somehow triggered an event that caused us all to go back in time to 1955.
29-December-2009: I dreamed I was with Jackie Chan and we went back in time to the 1960s in a British seaside town called Scarborough. We had a really good time looking at all the old cars and fashions.
28-December-2009: I had a dream I was with a British TV presenter called Jeremy Clarkson and we were going back to a massive party in a huge house I owned to retrieve my trousers, which I’d left behind the night before. On our way back to the house we passed through a cloud in the road and found, when we arrived at the house, that the year was 2004. The house had been a party house for a long time, and when we got there a party had only just finished the night before. We went inside and talked to some drug smoking hippies about what was cool in 2004.
27-December-2009: I dreamed I was in a rooftop hideout until a helicopter discovered me and I flew away with a soap opera (Hollyoaks) character called Michaela McQueen.
26-December-2009: I dreamed that a loud-mouth, rough kid wanted my brother to teach him how to box, but my brother refused so I taught the kid kung fu instead.
25-december-2009: I dreamed that I wanted to inspire millions of people to take to the streets and paint each other.
24-December-2009: I had a dream that I was with a group of girls and asking one of them which girl I should go with. I eventually ended up going out with the girl I was asking who I should go out with. She wanted to go to Oklahoma for our first date, but I told her I could teleport us anywhere in the world – so we went to a Benedictine monastery in the small town or Fécamp in northern France.
23-December-2009: I dreamt that I could manipulate glass and mirrors with my fingers, making the surface ripple with colours and patterns. An autistic boy could do a similar thing but with sounds, he could make patterns react to rhythms and music. I said we should do a live show together.
22-December-2009: I had a dream that gigantic robots were attacking a city in America. A woman and I stopped a car and got in. I told the driver to head away from the robots as fast as possible. We made it out of the city but the woman kept barking orders at the driver and confusing him, telling him to go left, then right, then watch out for… until we crashed in a small town that had automatic defense guns blasting away at hundreds of crude, robotic dummies dropping from a spaceship and walking across a field towards the town.
We walked to the field to examine the walking dummies and one of them made it through the crossfire and came up to me. It was a crude facsimile of Britney Spears – I’d been talking about her earlier in the dream and the aliens had tuned into my thoughts and hoped they could seduce me with this terrible Britney copy and take me back to their spaceship.
Everywhere we looked we saw local townspeople being greeted by these fake people, which in turn were having the shit kicked out of them for being so obviously false.
21-December-2009: I dreamed I was in Australia and needed to get past an electrical power line. I shot the line with a gun but, because it was needed, I came back later and fixed the line with an amazing ratchet tool that made the repair totally seamless.
20-December-2009: I had a dream I was locked inside a box for two days with my friend Paul Wiles and someone else. After two days and pretty much giving up on escape, I realized I could stick my head out through a hole behind Paul and open the box.
19-December-2009: I had a dream about super heroes being bullied into fighting each other for entertainment. Some kind of black ops type soldiers were hunting us (the heroes) down with the help of a sort of mega-huge Transformer type robot that was stronger than all of us, then forcing us to fight each other to the death.
18-December-2009: I dreamed I was back at my first day at art college and saw Neil Kay for the first time, again, who is now one of my best friends.
17-December-2009: I dreamed that I had sex with a woman I never met before. We made a mutual agreement that it was a one off, but she had second thoughts. She asked me if we should stick to the original plan of forgetting all about it and me going back to my wife, or should we carry on and take things further. I decided that I wanted to stay with my wife.
16-December-2009: I had a dream that I was an Airforce colonel. I ordered a bombing raid on a terrorist camp then wandered away into a local village and chatted up some pretty girls with sexy legs.
15-December-2009: I had a dream about a baby wrapped in a sausage roll, with an accompanying song about being brought up ‘in’ a sausage roll rather than ‘on’ sausage rolls.
14-December-2009: I had a dream I was a boy in an alternate world version of where I grew up. There was a curfew after 4pm and I was outside when a public address system announced that ‘Everyone should be indoors, no-one should try forming groups or resistance movements and it is forbidden to go to China’. I then started singing a song about freedom and another announcement told me to stop. A friend of mine in the dream found me hiding under a hedge on Barmby Avenue. He told me that I was easy to spot and I replied that I knew I was, but the ‘overseers’ couldn’t see as well as us.
At this point an overseer, like an old man, came down the street and I broke cover then ran away with my friend. We jumped over some people’s fences and ran through gardens until we came across a magic portal. My friend went through first then I followed. The overseer caught us up as we crawled slowly through the portal and grabbed by leg when I was nearly all the way through, but I kicked him off and he couldn’t follow because he was too big.
The magic portal brought us out in some obscure area of medieval China. Some Chinese kids were playing around the portal opening to see who comes through to ask them to play. They weren’t very interested in us though because we were too old, about 12 and they were like 6 or 7. We walked for a while and found ourselves coerced into working at a monastery sweeping floors and learning kung fu. The work was very strenuous. We got sick of the monastery pretty quickly and decided to run away. However, we didn’t get very far when a bell rang and a villager told us we would be flogged if the monks caught us outside. We thought of hiding then sneaking off in the dark, but realized the monastery wasn’t so bad – after all it was warm and dry, we had a bed and food three times a day, they gave us clothes and when we grew up we would be experts in kung fu.
13-December-2009: I had a dream that I was the Bionic Woman and I was being chased around an island.
12-December-2009: I had a dream that my friend Carl Sanderson was on his computer while I watched a cartoon on TV, with the volume up very high. Eventually Carl got up and shut the TV off, then walked away leaving me sitting in silence.
11-December-2009: I had a dream that I was at my friend Neil Kay’s house. Another friend called Kat was there and totally ignoring me. I wanted to know why she was ignoring me but Neil insisted we take a bus to town, without Kat, instead. When we got to town Neil wanted to play snooker, however there were no tables spare at the snooker club.
10-December-2009: I dreamt that I was using a massively long, like five miles, rope to lead my friends across the Pennines – a rugged, low mountain range in the middle of England.
9-December-2009: I dreamed that I was with my stepfather, who I haven’t seen in over a decade in waking life, and we were supposed to be going to Hong Kong by plane. There was an underlying feeling he was taking me there against my will, and I was scared to get on the plane without Marcia, my wife. For some reason my stepfather didn’t want Marcia there with me, it was as if she’d break whatever spell he had over me that was making me go to Hong Kong with him. When he went to check on boarding times, at my request, I ran to a public phone and told Marcia where I was. Marcia made it to the airport on time and my stepfather ran away, sulking. Marcia and I went on the plane to Hong Kong together.
8-December-2009: I had a dream that I had sex with a woman, who looked like Sigourney Weaver, in a rundown building, like a dark crack-house. Afterwards my infection alarm, part of a green light healing device that’s in lots of my dreams, went off and I discovered that I’d caught Chlamydia from the woman. I cured myself with the green light device and scanned the woman, who was HIV positive as well as carrying Chlamydia. I cured her Chlamydia easily but had to inject her with nanobots to destroy the HIV virus infection.
7-December-2009: I was dreaming about Ibiza, where my friend Neil Kay was trying to explain to some Ibiza-party-going dimbo that most of the actual Ibiza islanders live pretty secluded lifestyles and tend to stay away from people like him. As I awoke I wondered if I’d invented a new word for a male bimbo.
6-December-2009: I dreamt that I was in a team of commandos, destroying an incursion of Terminators in a department store. Under heavy fire I jumped down an ‘air tube’, a sort of elevator, and became separated from my soul, which was trapped in a diamond. The actress Michelle Rodriguez, also a commando, was about to have her legs torn off by the top half of a Terminator when a small Dalek beamed (a la Star Trek) into the room and destroyed it. After this Michelle grabbed the diamond and threw it down the tube after me.
5-December-2009: I dreamed that a friend who I haven’t seen in years, called Anthony Bulmer, kept asking me for Rice Krispies.
4-December-2009: I had a dream that I was supposed to be performing on stage, in front of a huge audience, with a magician. We never got to start our act though, because my friend Benji kept running in from backstage and interrupting us.
3-December-2009: I had a dream that I escaped from a warehouse in Florida and spent the following days on the run from people who wanted to ‘indoctrinate’ me, through drugs and brainwashing, into their subversive organization.
2-December-2009: I had a dream that there was a competition for people who, like me, could fly. The contest was held at Clifford’s Tower, a small castle in York where I live. Each contestant took it in turns flying around the castle and showing off their skills.
1-December-2009: I dreamed that I went to a bookstore to buy a magazine that I’d backordered. However, when I got to the store the owners had accidentally put my magazine of the shelves and someone had bought it.