31-December-2008: I had a dream that I was floating down the road to Selby on a cushion of air, with my legs crossed like a guru.
30-December-2008: I had a dream that I was talking to a hot girl who was fixing a car battery by the street where I grew up, and somehow I accidentally started having sex with her in a really bizarre fashion like we both slipped and it just happened.
29-December-2008: I had a dream that I lost my friend Neil Kay down a water-pipe system and I got a group of people to go exploring underground tunnels with me to find him.
28-December-2008: I had a dream that I was at a mafia wedding and that I ran away with the bride afterwards. I was sleeping in a dog kennel in the yard when I enticed the woman to come and sleep with me, but realised that getting cosy with the daughter of a Mafioso in a dog kennel gave off all the wrong signals, so we ran off to find better accommodation. I had a friend in the dream who was an artist, we went to his house first and he was glad to see me but he was also as mad as a loon. After this we went to the Railway Hotel, an expensive place in York where I live, and I was negotiating a room at the top when I woke up.
27-December-2008: I had a dream that I was walking down some streets that are familiar in my dreams, in the same place as some waking life streets but slightly different, when I happened across a new shopping mall. I was surprised that they’d managed to build the whole thing before I knew anything about it, but figured it must have been a few months since I’d walked that way. I went inside and it was all super high-tech, like in Singapore or somewhere similar, but started noticing odd bits of furniture here and there that belonged to me. I found some old drawers of mine from years ago and when I looked inside there were all kinds of objects that I’d forgotten about, not profoundly amazing but still part of my soul, and I was upset that they thought they could just take my stuff and use it in their shopping mall.
26-December-2008: I had a dream that I was down by the river in York where I live and I had a friend who was a flying, talking steam engine. Together we came up with a better way of predicting the weather, though I can’t remember now how it worked.
25-December-2008: I had a dream that I was in a pub called The Saddle with three friends, Chris Bacon, Lewis Evans and Mark . Somehow an object belonging to Chris was in my bag and I didn’t know how it got there, all three friends thought I had stolen it. I wasn’t really bothered what Chris thought because I haven’t seen him in years and he was always a bit flaky anyway. I was a bit more bothered about Lewis calling me a thief because I thought he was just being mean on purpose. I was really upset that Mark thought I had stolen the object because he used to be my best friend and I thought he knew I would never do something like that.
24-December-2008: I had a dream that I was talking to my writing a group and a Romanian couple about buying a new car. I wanted to buy an old grey Volvo that used to belong to the US air force, it had a cool USAF logo on the side. However Roma and Sue from the writing group thought the care was too shabby, Roma said I should spend 10,000 on a new car and Sue, not to be outdone, said I should spend 250,000.
23-December-2008: I had a dream that my stepdad, whom I haven’t seen in over 10 years, was telling me not to forget to do my taxes, and I was telling him that it’s none of his business.
22-December-2008: I had a dream with a very silly song about Britney Spears’ eyes and breasts sung by Shaggy, the Jamaican-American reggae singer.
21-December-2008: I had a dream that I was riding an electric bicycle with an old school friend called Sean Suckling.
20-December-2008: I had a dream that I beat an actor called Ross Kemp (always plays a tough soldier type guy), and a bunch of other guys, in a physical training exercise.
19-December-2008: I had a dream that I was high up over London, England, at night and it looked really beautiful.
18-December-2008: I had a dream that an old friend called Maja Obradovic announced that she’d got a promotion.
17-December-2008: I often dream that I have an underground building or bunker underneath the back garden where I grew up, and a few times this year I’ve dreamed about a time when it wasn’t built yet or was in the planning stage. Last night’s dreams was all about laying the foundations and putting in floors for the underground building.
16-December-2008: I had a dream that Umpa Lumpas were doing a dance and song that explained how to swim through a swamp and avoid being eaten by crocodiles.
15-December-2008: I had a dream that people’s minds were being taken over and I used a special mobile phone to detect whose brains were scrambled, and whose were okay.
14-December-2008: I had a dream that I was on a plane when a nuclear holocaust began, where we saw atomic flashes and a mushroom cloud through the windows. I told the pilot to stay high because the atomics might cut off the electricity and engines of the plane and we would crash, so he flew the plane a long way north before we landed.
13-December-2008: I had a dream that I was on a big leather couch, kanoodling with Marcia, on a plane.
12-December-2008: I had a dream I was with my wife, Marcia, by the ocean in New York visiting a friend. We drove in a car with Marcia’s friend who was upset because she was too sick to teach her ballet class, so I said I would do it. When I got to the class I was surprised to find they were all a bunch of rough inner-city teenaged kids and the dream turned into one of those coming of age type movies, with the wise teacher (me) helping them along. At one point I was teaching the class tai chi as a warm up relaxation exercise when a boy turned up late, pointed a gun at me and said ‘shut the fuck up’. I turned to him and said. ‘shut the fuck up? Is that the best you can come up with, “shut the fuck up”? People were saying “shut the fuck up” in World War Two for fuck’s sake. I bet your granddaddy said shut the fuck up and thought he sounded cool when he was your age.’ Then, as he was thinking of what to say, I took the gun from him and dismantled it, so it fell to pieces on the floor, with one hand and waved him into line to practice tai chi with everyone else.
11-December-2008: I had a dream that I was in New York City where I’d invented a time-travelling train ticket machine, which would always dispense the right type of ticket for whatever train it made me appear on when I travelled through time using the ticket machine.
10-December-2008: I had a dream I was talking to someone next to an apple tree, watching the fruit fall to the ground. I said ‘wouldn’t it be amazing to watch a new tree grow from the apple?’ and the other guy said that I could plant some of the seeds and come back from time to time and see it grow, but I replied ‘no, I mean if we could stand here unaffected by time, watch the seeds come out from the apple and see them take root and watch the whole lifespan of the tree as it grows.’
9-December-2008: I had a dream I was back at university studying English, I was younger again and had a whole new group of friends and we all liked each other very much. The dream was all cosseted in a warm love/friendship glow.
8-December-2008: I had a dream I was back at art college, but instead of doing 3D Design I was put on a six week placement in Fashion Design where I took part in making a coat. I thought I did quite well until I overheard the snooty head of fashion congratulating her students on deceiving the uneducated oaf from 3D Design into thinking he’d achieved something. What she, the head, didn’t know was that I had stayed up all night to finish the work on my own while the girls had gone out to a party. Later in the dream I said I wanted to design next year’s fashionable coat. The head said it was impossible, that I had no talent and couldn’t guess what would be in fashion a year from now. However, I had already travelled through time and seen next year’s latest fashions and made my designs based on them. So, like a cheap movie, the dream played out and I was the king of fashion design.
7-December-2008: I had a dream that I was embarrassing a group of Star Wars fans by talking about the movie Freddie Got Fingered with their club leader.
6-December-2008: I had a dream that I was at an outdoor nerdy convention for RC (radio controlled) Car enthusiasts. Someone had made a great-looking course that looked like a craggy cliff for driving RC off-road cars along.
5-December-2008: I had a dream that Hancock, the unruly eponymous super hero from the movie, was being really mean to me and I was asking him why.
4-December-2008: Earlier this year I went on the ship Queen May 2 to America, in last night’s dream I left the QM2 raincoat I’d bought on board the ship on a train. I spent the dream trying to get back on the train but the driver wouldn’t let me on.
3-December-2008: I had a dream that I put a yellow ethernet cable in my mother’s house, connecting the computer upstairs to ones downstairs, then ran off before she came home with her violent boyfriend.
2-December-2008: I had a dream that I was visiting an old people’s home with the queen of England. The Queen had a squeezy red ball that she kept handing to the old people, telling them it was good for arthritis. Some news people wanted to get a shot of an old lady squeezing the ball, being helped by the Queen, but I could tell she wasn’t interested in being treated like a child and told the Queen what I knew. After that I walked off down a street with the Queen chatting about people and their behaviour.
1-December-2008: I dreamed about a gun that spurted out some stark red liquid that bored a massive hole in the back garden of the house where I grew up as my friend, Mark , watched in amazement.