31-August-2005: I had a fantastic adventure dream where I’d teamed up with a High Elf to infiltrate the fortress of a goblin king. We snuck in and made our way up through some castellations to where we could look down onto a street running through the fortified town. We waited until the king’s parade, like Kennedy’s assassins, and watched as he waved to the crowd from his ceremonial cart – as he came into range the High Elf knocked three golden arrows onto a special bow and shot the goblin king, all three arrows struck him deeply in the chest and the crowd became frantic. This was the signal for our army to storm the town and take over, I woke up though before the battle really got going.
30-August-2005: I used to own a Land Rover a few years ago but I had to get rid of it because the fuel and repair costs were too high; I dreamt last night that I went outside and the car was there again, like it had been dumped outside my door. I wondered for a while if I’d only dreamt that I got rid of it and someone had returned it to remind me that the Land Rover was my responsibility, but it had all kinds of modifications done to it by a subsequent owner that I had never seen before. I pushed the vehicle around the corner and left it there, but the next day it was back again outside my house. It turned out that the engine was broken and the owner was really stupid, thinking that I would just fix it if he left it outside my house.
29-August-2005: I had a dream that I was taking part in a cycling race from Australia to America, via a very bizarre boat trip. The large boat or yacht that we travelled on sailed very swiftly through the ocean, but it had to spin around through 360º every 300 yards then carry on in the same direction, which made us all feel very sick. One of the other members of my team was a very skinny woman in white cycling shorts, I spent a lot of time wondering if she was actually quite sexy or really ropey.
28-August-2005: I was dreaming about being a criminal on the run with Marcia and my mother; we found my bother’s and his wife’s brand new silver Mercedes (he only has a car like this in this dream) parked in town and decided to steel it temporarily to get away from the police, figuring we could put it back where we found it before he even knew it was missing, and that he wouldn’t mind if he knew it was us. I got in to drive the car and discovered there was no steering wheel, instead you had to twist the end of the gear shift to steer the car – I thought it was going to be impossible at first but it turned out to be very easy; my mother made a big deal of the unusual steering mechanism, wanting me to lift it up to show here. I had to tell her that I couldn’t because it was attached to the car and we needed it to move.
27-August-2005: I had a strange dream that my wife, Marcia, was living in London, or working in London, and I was living in York, over 200 miles away. It was Christmas time and snowing, I kept driving to London to see her and figuring out how quickly I could get there so I could see her more speedily. On one journey from London back to York I discovered that the distance wasn’t as far as I thought, I managed to do the full trip in less than two hours, during the night in the rain. Some of my friends were a bit shocked, as was I when they pointed out that I must have been driving at about 120 miles per hour the whole way.
26-August-2005: I dreamt that I was in a city in England called Hull, reputedly the worst city in the UK but not how I see it. Kingston Upon Hull (its full name) is also famous for having a very wide river, the Humber, but in this dream the river wasn’t very wide at all – it was a little like the river being wide was all a myth and it was really only very small, it was so small that people were wading through it instead of bothering to use the bridge. I watched as a mother and her little boy waded across the river that was actually flowing across the streets, so they were wading the river and walking across the street at the same time; as they got half way across the little boy disappeared into a deep hole under the water, lots of people looked concerned but no one wanted the jump in the water despite the mother’s pleas for help. I felt kind of agitated that I wasn’t closer, thinking the boy would drown for sure well before the time I got there from the high castle-type wall I was looking from. There was another guy next to the deep hole also looking agitated, fighting with his fear of being lost in the hole himself and the need to rescue a fellow human being – before he could decide the boy bobbed out from the water and was okay, much to the relief of everyone gathered around and more because it meant that they didn’t have to feel guilty than from the child being safe.
25-August-2005: I was in a dream where I was driving along the street with my wife, Marcia, and some teenagers were harassing passers by and ourselves. I stopped the car and went to talk to them, telling them I didn’t want to complain about them or anything, that I was just interested in where they came from and how bored they must be to act the way they were. I asked if it was crap for them to have nothing much to do and generally chatted to them. One of them was worried that he had an alcohol problem so I talked to him about it, saying that alcohol is a bit like an adult in a way when you get addicted – it keeps telling you what to do all the time, making you get money to buy it, making you drink it again the next day and telling you how crap everything is if you don’t drink it.
24-August-2005: I had a cool adventure dream in which my friends Neil, Steve and I were fighting some wild bear-man creatures with swords and axes. We all got to choose swords from an era or mythology, I thought of using Excalibur but decided it was too obvious so went for Aragorn’s sword from Lord of the Rings. The huge grizzly bear creature wielded five-handed battleaxes, which were designed especially for them. The creatures attacked us in their hundreds but we revelled in the mayhem, cutting them down with ease – I even managed to use their strange axes against them after I discovered it was possible to fling them sideways on, that they were perfectly balanced for flying through the air like Frisbees and gutting any bear creatures they skimmed past. There was some kind of plot later in the dream where government agents had used magic to turn our swords into near useless fire-irons and kidnapped Steve and Neil, but I rescued them in the end.
23-August-2005: I dreamt that it was a couple of years into the future, Marcia and I were looking around a 4 million pound apartment in York, England that hadn’t been finished yet. The apartment was part of a new complex for rich people, the complex had a reception with a really snooty woman sitting behind a desk who said to me, ‘And how are you going to pay for one of these?’ I told her it was none of here business as we both went to inspect the most expensive one they had. I didn’t even like the place that much but decided we should buy it anyway just to annoy the snooty woman, I secretly wondered if that was part of the plan on their part. On our way out I told a salesman that we’d take the unfinished apartment for the full asking price of four million on the condition that they fire the snooty woman on the front desk.
22-August-2005: I had a really gross dream where I was washing my face in a bathroom and my brother was standing behind me and masturbating over the bath, which had a friend of his relaxing in the warm water. He was doing it on purpose to try and freak me out, thinking it was really funny. I tried to explain to him later that he needs to see a psychiatrist, that just because he was only doing it to wind me up doesn’t mean he’s not a total brain fuck.
21-August-2005: I dreamt that I was at home again and my mum and stepfather were still together, only my stepfather had a girlfriend too that my mother didn’t care about. My stepfather, Brian, was driving around in my new Volvo (the one I have now) to impress this girlfriend of his. I didn’t mind but I wanted it back so I could go to work, but when I asked for the keys he said he didn’t know what I was talking about, that the car was his and that I should go away. I got very upset in a childlike kind of way and decided to run away from home; I took the car with me and sold it, seeing as I had all the documents in my name, then went to live in a forest. I found in my pocket a list of monsters from a Dungeons and Dragons role playing scenario and became fixated with one called the Catlord as I grew more delirious through lack of proper food and exposure to the elements, I lost all feeling of self and became this feral cat-like creature prowling the woods and forests of North Yorkshire in England. At the same time in the dream there was a sort of documentary running that followed the course of a number of grizzly murders and farmyard killings by an unknown wild animal. which of course turned out to be me. I was almost impossible to catch or track down with my Catlord powers allowing me to run at great speeds and evade capture at every turn; but I did inevitably become cornered, every citizen had been issued a special bell or whistle that they sounded whenever I was spotted – the sound of helicopters and police car sirens could soon be heard following one of these bell or whistle blasts. At some point in the dream I was no longer the Catlord and became one of the spectators of the documentary; I felt sorry for the poor creature though, despite it’s rampant killings, and wondered if anyone would recognise its origins and discover its mean stepfather, Brian.
20-August-2005: I’ve had a couple of dreams that Death, or the Grim Reaper, has come to get me recently – they were pretty scary. In this dream Death was really small and far away across a room, but still close enough to spook me a bit; I thanked him for leaving me alone, not totally convinced that he was going to.
19-August-2005: I dreamt that I was Lieutenant Columbo, the aponymous TV homicide detective with the Los Angeles Police Department , working in York, England and looking for a rapist. Everyone else in the local police force seemed to be working hard to find clues, deliberately sending me off to unlikely spots that would turn up next to nothing. But their plan never worked, it was like clues kept presenting themselves to me and I couldn’t do anything wrong; the rapist was so paranoid of my abilities that he climbed in through a window into a house I was searching and broke down in front of me, confessing to everything.
18-August-2005: I had a dream that I was in a German prison camp in World War II. One of the officers had a sword and he kept sort of messing around and threatening me with it. When he found me walking along near the fence and the front gate, he asked me who I was; I told him that I was one of the local villagers, that he’d find me on the list named: People To Set Free. He laughed in the way stereotype German officers do, then looked down a list reading off names until I stopped him and said, ‘That’s me!’ After which, to my surprise, he opened the gate and let me out.
17-August-2005: I dreamt I was talking to a little black dog in Soul Speak, a guy thought I was being silly until I told him what I was doing, then he thought I was crazy until I kept saying stuff to him in his own Soul language, which freaked him out. He said I was using some kind of trickery but I explained it to him in more detail and told him that everyone has their own special music too, that I could play his on the piano if he liked. He said I was talking nonsense so I played his tune on the piano and said, ‘So this tune means nothing to you then?’ He held his hands up to his ears and said, ‘Oh my God, that’s impossible!’
16-August-2005: I was floating in deep space in a dream where a group of us were tidying up an empty steel box, like the ones people use to transport stuff oversees, that drifted through the vacuum. There was nothing inside but a few empty cardboard boxes, paint tins and a fake flying saucer that looked as if a kid made it. We were going to leave everything but NASA told me that they wanted the paint tins to get a reading of the radiation effects on them in deep space. We later went down to a planet that was a lot like Earth, with similar people, only the air had a very high helium content that meant our voices sounded very high pitched due to the fact sound travels faster through helium.
15-August-2005: I was in a dream at some kind of employment recruitment office on a trading estate in the middle of nowhere; I was leaving the place while people kept trying to get my details. I passed a pretty girl on the way out and went back to try and talk to her but she wasn’t interested in me. When I got outside I was confronted with a scene of idyllic English countryside, rolling green hills with a village church in the far distance. I decided to fly over there, using a flatbed computer scanner as a kind of rudder, and swept up into the air and swiftly sailed above the landscape. As I approached the village is became clear that the church was a marvellous stone construction, as was a nearby mansion house and a partially ruined abbey behind it. I was in awe of the architecture, the most beautiful I have ever seen; I said in my head as if I were speaking to God, ‘Aren’t humans such complex creatures that they can create such wondrous things to decorate this Earth?’
14-August-2005: I had a hilarious dream with a cow standing on its back legs and running on a treadmill while playing a trombone and singing:
No more tripping No more tripping No more tripping in love
Notes appeared in front of me in written form, so as the first line was sung C and A appeared, on the second line C and A appeared again then C and D accompanied the last line. The cow had a sister that was climbing out of the window to sneak off for the night without their parents finding out. I woke up laughing and singing the song.
13-August-2005: I dreamt that I was in a rather embarrassing biology class where all the male students had to draw a picture of their penis without looking at it, all the girls were half embarrassed and half curious to see the drawings.
12-August-2005: I woke up too early in the morning then eventually started falling unconscious in a way that often causes me to have an out of body experience; though this time I merely went into a dream about astral projection that seemed half real, yet unreal enough to see it was definitely just a dream. I went into an auction hall down the street in Fulford where a friend called Paul Lazenby was waiting for the bidding to start, he engaged in conversation with me even though I was only astral projecting and I explained to him that I wasn’t really there, that I could wake up any second at the slightest disturbance.
11-August-2005: I was dreaming about York, England in an alternate reality. Everywhere seemed to be flooding, the river rising by metres every hour. Everyone was moving to higher ground all the time, feeing their home and panicking – I was relishing the chaos, happy that the waters were flooding the town.
10-August-2005: I was dreaming about my grandparents’ house from when I was a child, it was haunted at the time and there was a ghost in this dream too. I was shouting at the ghosts that I didn’t care what it did or said, that I’m not afraid in any way. My wife switching the light on waked me from the dream, which was quite a shock.
9-August-2005: I had a dream that I was a little Geordie boy riding the high-speed train from Newcastle to York in the north of England. I was purposely avoiding a girl because I thought I annoyed her with me presence, but discovered that she’d wanted me to sit next to her for ages.
8-August-2005: I dreamt that I was getting married again, well not again exactly, more like a rerun of my marriage but in a different dimension. My grandma was still alive and complaining about silly things, like the railings outside the wedding venue being too dirty – she wanted me to get some T-Cut (car polish) and shine the railings, which I ended up doing eventually. The place we were getting married looked like a small townhouse, only once inside it was huge and spread under the entire city, and the best part was that it all belonged to me. The house was all Victorian high-tech, like a H. G. Wells novel; there was a bar where my friends were drinking and laughing, I told my butler to take Neil to my walk-in humidor to try some high powered Columbian joints, which was a very rare thing in this turn of the century dream – and very Arthur Conan Doyle. I discovered later that our house had it’s own power supply, the world’s first coal fuelled electric power plant, which was extraordinary enough in itself for the time period, and all the employees at the plant were angry monkeys shovelling coal, and random object, into a glowing furnace.
7-August-2005: I dreamt that I was searching for a day care centre in York, England, that an autistic boy could go to and have a good time.
6-August-2005: I was in an adventure dream as part of an expedition that was being followed by a madman through the Scottish highlands. Someone decided we should head out across open mooreland to a hut on top of a hill, to try and spot the madman as he crept up behind us. When we got to the hut we found some hiking boots and a mountaineers backpack, I knew it belonged to the madman, that he’d gotten here before us and cut us off instead. Nothing really became of the madman after that, it sort of turned into a vacation with people taking photos of scenery. I wanted to go for a swim when it got dark, in the moonlight. I headed for a little lake but when I got to it it wasn’t deep enough to swim in, I then headed for another one a little further away. The second lake was a bit odd, it had a sort of concrete beach and the whole thing felt a bit artificial. I went for a swim in it anyway but found that there was a strange current under the water that was trying to pull me under towards the middle; I had a feeling that there was a large turbine fan type thing at the bottom of the lake, sucking things through it. I managed to swim back onto the shore and get out.
5-August-2005: I was dreaming about driving along a busy duel carriageway between York and Leeds in England. I was driving the car from about 20 feet behind, floating in the air like an out of body experience. The care was swerving all over the road, kept nearly bumping into the guardrails, and I felt kind of dizzy. I eventually crashed and got out, then went to see what a woman and her friends were doing in the middle of the road with cars whizzing by at 70 miles per hour. She was looking for her mobile phone, said it was very important; her friends were telling her to leave it behind before she gets killed, I agreed with them. I spotted the gold-plated phone moments before a huge vehicle rumbled by, smashing the phone to smithereens.
4-August-2005: I was in a sort of nature documentary type dream, somewhere in South America searching for anacondas. At one point in the dream I was wrestling one of the giant snakes I’d been looking for… I had been watching a film about anacondas before I went to sleep.
3-August-2005: I dreamt I was in a strange town, a sort of holiday vacations type place that I’ve been to in other dreams; I was waiting in a queue for a little old cinema all decked out in old green boards, my friend Neil was with me and some guy we knew in the dream was stood behind us and asking what we were going to watch. He said he was thinking of going to see a movie called Mars, but Neil said it was rubbish, that he should come and see Planet of the Lakes with us.
2-August-2005: I had a dream set in the near future, there was a media scare about England running out of food; I made a joke about us maybe thinking about moving to America as it is a land of plenty, which was kind of a play on word on what my mother-in-law said about America and how she thinks that England is a third world country. I woke up laughing.
1-August-2005: I dreamt that I was I scientist during a sort of WWII scenario where we were being attacked by primitive Daleks (from Doctor Who). There was an underground movement of resistance fighters that captured and questioned me, they were impressed that I was wearing a white lab coat the same as them. They were doubly impressed later when I had to reveal that I was from the future and a different planet, that I had new weapons to defeat the Daleks.