30-April-2009: I had a dream that a childhood friend called John Shipley was chatting up a Japanese woman and I could see she didn’t like it so In pretended to be her boyfriend to make John go away.
29-April-2009: I had a dream that I was in the Far east, deciding where to go next – Indonesia or Bulgaria.
28-April-2009: I had a dream that I was with my first wife, Maja, in Romania and that some hooligans lied to the police when they said we were with them.
27-April-2009: I had a dream about leaping from a high, green hilltop and floating down over some newly discover Aztec ruins.
26-April-2009: I had a dream about a spaceship that was captained by a god. The crew of the ship drew on their god’s powers to fend off marauding invaders with energy blasts.
25-April-2009: I dreamed that I was trying to decide whether or not to have sex with a pretty girl on a dirty garage floor, because of the floor not the girl.
24-April-2009: I had a dream that Heslington Lane, the name our family calls my childhood home, was infested with rats – thousands of them living under the floor, in the roof and ceiling and in the walls.
23-April-2009: I had a dream that I was on a speedboat, travelling between Australia, via Pacific islands, and India. I wanted to take a slower, more interesting route but then pilot of the boat didn’t agree and said I should rent the boat from him and drive it all the way to England.
22-April-2009: I had a dream that I was going to America with Marcia to see her sister Julie who was sick. For some reason Marcia had the idea it would give her the opportunity to have a go at teaching in a Brooklyn nunnery.
21-April-2009: I had a dream that hooligans were running wild on the streets near where we live and Marcia and I hid out in our office building.
20-April-2009: I had a dream that a normally rough girl called Jackie, a character from a British soap opera called Hollyoaks, was showing me some artwork she’d drawn.
19-April-2009: I had a dream that my usually uncouth friend, Ché Sanderson, was being all polite and holding a dinner party. Two of us were talking about bollox (testicles) and Ché asked that we stop it, so everyone went out of their way to talk about bollox for the rest of the night.
18-April-2009: I had a dream that I kept shooting a sniper with a sniper rifle. I would shoot the guy then he would run away and appear somewhere else where he thought he couldn’t be seen, then I would shoot him again.
17-April-2009: I had a dream that I was with my friends Mark Whose-name-cannot-be-mentioned-anymore, Paul Lazenby, Peter Rankin and Neil Kay and my girlfriend in the dream, Julie, in an unusual them park that lay within a complex underground cave system. We came to a crossroads and couldn’t decide whether to head down to the pits of Hell or go the other way and get ice-cream and a bus tour. It was very hot down there so we all got bowls of ice-cream and a ride on an air-conditioned bus, which was extremely luxurious inside and made me feel more relaxed than I thought possible sitting in a bus.
16-April-2009: I had a dream I was on a sailing yacht and, eager to set sail, I shouted “Let’s get splicing for fuck’s sake!”
15-April-2009: I had a dream that I was playing chess with my friend Carl Sanderson. I was losing the game and Carl was being all arrogant and smug about it, which is slightly out of character for him.
14-April-2009: I had a dream I was on a plane with some friends and a snooty air steward didn’t want to be nice to us, despite being told by his boss on the phone that we were important people and it was imperative that he treat us well.
13-April-2009: I had a dream that I was staying in a wretched, stinking shed in Belgium with my friends, trying to find clues to the murder of a small boy.
12-April-2009: I had a dream that my old boss, Bob Scrace, from when I was a teenager at a printing shop was the director of a movie I was in. Bob was taking his job far too seriously and getting angry when the actors forgot their lines and started laughing, like he expected everyone to get each shot right in the first take and not enjoy themselves. In the end we all took a vote and kicked Bob off the set, deciding to direct the movie ourselves.
11-April-2009: I had a dream set in Victorian times where I was playing tennis on a court surrounded by tall, dense and stiff trees. I was playing with an aristocratic lady and messing around by bouncing the balls off the trees.
10-April-2009: I had a dream that I was a journalist interviewing Anna Karenina about her happy life, knowing full well it’s all going to come crashing down before too long.
9-April-2009: I had a dream that I was in the army for twelve weeks on a training course. My time was coming to an end and I felt jealous of the other folks who were staying on longer than me, I wanted to stay in the army.
8-April-2009: I had a dream I was on the Titanic, telling people it was going to sink.
7-April-2009: I had a dream that I was teaching two girls how to swim safely down a waterfall, avoiding a dangerous looking sluice gate, at a place called Kirkham Abbey.
6-April-2009: I had another dream with the Mothership, this time I came across a new gadget onboard, a Looking Device. The gadget worked like Google Street view only you could direct it anywhere you want, even going through walls and into people’s houses. I used it to see the inside of a house my friends and I call Nunmill Street, to see what it looked like after so many years had passed since we lived there.
5-April-2009: I had a dream that I was on the Mothership with my friend Neil Kay, who thought he was in a corny movie. I decided to go with the cheesy movie theme and took Neil to a psychedelic planet, the sort of place Barbarella would feel at home.
4-April-2009: I had a dream that I was at a dinner party with the same people we ate dinner with when I was on a cruise ship last year.
3-April-2009: I had a dream that I was asking people for ID, and if they didn’t have any I was pinching their bottoms, which I found totally hilarious.
2-April-2009: I had a dream that my pockets were full of novelty pens with pictures of Hawaiian hula girls in liquid so that their grass skirts fell down when you tips the pen upside down.
1-April-2009: I had a dream that an art gallery had some written work by me displayed on the walls where the paintings normally go.