30-April-2006: When I was a child, up to being a teenager, I used to have a best friend called Sean Easton. When we were teenagers he kept calling me by my family name in a condescending fashion, which I found a little annoying. In last night’s dream he appeared next to me when I was talking to a group of friends on one of York University’s campuses and said something like, ‘I bet you must be quite lonely eh?’ in the same condescending fashion as he used to speak to me, not knowing he was doing it I’m sure. I got really annoyed with him over this because he knew nothing about me, I haven’t seen him since I was about sixteen (20 years ago), and the fact that I’m happily married and not in the least bit lonely. I turned to him and said, ‘Fuck off!’ and pushed him into one of the many little waterways of the university. He eventually climbed out, soaking wet, and was going to be angry with me but changed his mind and started to explain himself – his attitude now and in the past – but I told him to shut up and pushed him in the water again.
29-April-2006: I dreamt that my friend, Dave Smiley, and I had gone back in time to the 1970s. We got on an old double-decker bus and I couldn’t believe how springy and comfortable the seats were. I told the driver in a loud voice, while bouncing on my seat slightly, how comfortable the seats were and how lucky all the passengers were to have them. After this Dave and I were leafing through a computer magazine we’d brought with us through time and laughing our heads off at pictures of iPods, high-definition TVs and DVD recorders with terabyte hard drives, knowing that we were the only humans alive at that time who knew what any of that stuff was. I was looking forward to reaching our destination so we could see all the 1970s fashions, of which we had a glimpse when a big lady boarded the bus wearing a multi-coloured flowery dress.
28-April-2006: I was in a dream where Australian TV stars were being given an extreme driving test. They had to drive a rally car at full speed along a muddy ridge and fly over a gaping hole in the road, then spin around and do it again. I had to ride in the passenger seat for every test.
27-April-2006: I dreamt that Marcia and I were moving into my grandmother’s old house, a place that was haunted when I last saw it as a child. I was quite excited about the idea of seeing if the place was still haunted, looking forward to night-time and sleeping in my old room where I believe I saw ghosts coming through the walls when I was five years old.
26-Apil-2006: I had a dream, based on a real event in my life, where I was a Viking trained in the art of kung fu. I defeated hundreds of Normans on my own with a spear using my kung fu skills. When there was no one left to kill a crowd was cheering for me to kill the priest, who was running away across the battlefield. I caught the priest, who looked more like a monk by modern standards, and pinned him down with the spearhead at his throat. I did not kill him and let him go, despite protests from the crowd.
25-April-2006: In waking life I visit an autistic boy called Joseph who is really nice. In my dream I had to miss a visit, or show up late, and his mother was upset with me. Joseph’s auntie was really rude to me and I fell out with the whole family, apart from Joseph who was merely confused. I woke up feeling a little sad that I might not see him again, but cheered up when I realised that his mother is nothing like the woman in the dream and none of it had really happened.
24-April-2006: I dreamt that Marcia and I were looking for somewhere new to live, our current home was too small and Marcia was sick of our town. I went looking at lots of different towns but they were all horrible, dirty and rundown. I discovered a new train service that went to a part of York (our town) that I’d never seen before. It was a whole new development that had been dubbed Modular York, a sort of super-modern version of the original town about five miles away. Modular York had many glass buildings, shopping malls, trendy apartments and even a beach – I couldn’t believe it had all been built without me knowing about it. I was quite excited about the prospect of showing Marcia around Modular York, only one stop away from our current home by train.
23-April-2006: I dreamt that I was with a group of MI6/CIA agents looking for a gang leader in a hotel. My associates got into the elevator and said they were going up to the eleventh floor and I, because I don’t like elevators, took the stairs with the intention of meeting them at the top. A friend called Maja ran up the stairs with me, we discovered that the hotel only had nine floors and we couldn’t find where the elevator had stopped. It was a trap and there were lots of explosions and gunshots that followed. The two of us escaped and went running through a university campus, trying to catch up with an American friend who was running to catch a plane. Maja was naked and skipping and laughing, chasing the American man and wanting to give him a farewell party. She was disappointed when we saw his plane fly away. After this Maja was being overly friendly to me and wanted to sleep with me, I told her that she might be able to if Marcia (my wife) agreed. She thought that seemed fair and felt sure that she would agree once the two of them met. I was pretty sure that Marcia would not agree, but I woke up anyway before we found out.
22-April-2006: I had a dream with huge, ultra advanced spaceships in it. I was describing one of the ships to someone, how they glided along with enormous grace like they were not totally governed by our own laws of physics.
21-April-2006: I dreamt that our world was being invaded by an army of Terminators. At first I ran away to hide under an outdoor market stall and hoped the machines would not notice me, but a woman appeared and asked us (a group of kids under the stall) whose side we were on. She said the machines would kill us all eventually so we can either stay under the stall and help them do it quicker, or get out there and fight with our fellow humans. Something changed in the dream so it transpired that the machines were actually fighting an invasion of dinosaurs and not the humans after all. I sort of fell in love with a Terminator and felt a bit of an outcast for colluding with the enemy. It was a strange kind of love, I couldn’t figure out if I was a man or a woman after I woke up, with no sexual connotations. The end of the dream was a special ceremony where the Terminator was going to die because his battery was failing. Hundreds of people gathered around on a platform floating in the clouds and I walked out to the edge of the platform with my Terminator and said goodbye, then watched him disappear into the clouds after he stepped off the edge. My mother kept telling inappropriate jokes, like a comedian at a funeral, and I kept pushing her away.
20-April-2006: I had a dream that my brother, Ben, didn’t like my wife, Marcia. He was rude to her all the time and I was shouting at him saying how I didn’t like his wife that much but I was never rude to her. At one point I had Ben pinned down and I was strangling him until he was nearly dead, but I let him go before he died.
19-April-2006: A very minor celerity, can’t remember who, was in a hospital bed next to me in my dream and complaining loudly that he’d ‘rather stay ill than have to eat Brussels spouts.
18-April-2006: I had a dream that I was time travelling to the future and buying stupid little gadgets from a store called Halford’s then taking them back to the 1970s. Myself and a group of people went into a rundown building that I said would be a nightclub called Silks in the future. The empty building was a hiding place for a spaceship that itself was a disguise for a casino, a real spaceship that landed on planets like Earth and opened itself up as an illicit gambling den. Everything inside the casino was automated, there were no people that worked there. If you wanted to play a game of Blackjack, for instance, someone had to volunteer to be the dealer/banker and all winnings came from their own money. One of our group decided to run the Roulette wheel and started raking in the cash for a while, whispering to me, ‘The house always wins,’ and grinning liker a wild man who’s discovered oil. Things soon took a turn for the worse as one of the players hit a winning streak and our friend was rapidly running out of chips.
17-April-2006: I’m not sure what the details of my dreams were but they all seemed to revolve around the concept of artillery and artillery strikes. Huge guns that fire indirect ammunition from the rear of a battlefield to bombard approximate targets.
16-April-2006: I dreamt that I was undressing next to the River Ouse in York, England, to go for a swim. There were lots of other people doing the same thing in special cubicles that had been put next to the river like it was a seaside resort.
15-April-2006: I had a dream set in an alternate Earth where German soldiers ruled England and I was in a battle against them. We fought through ruined streets and I used a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher to keep them at bay. There were too many of them though and I retreated into a church, which had a curtain at the back that brought you out in Australia if you went behind it. I went behind the curtain and appeared inside a similar church in Australia and met a wizard and his acolyte, not a Lord of the Rings type wizard but more of an occult Aleister Crowley type. The wizard was doing experiments with telekinesis, telepathy and the effects of electricity on the human body. I watched and chatted to him for a while as he electrocuted the acolyte strapped down in a big wooden chair. After that I went outside the church into a garden party beneath the bright, Australian sunshine and gathered support to fight the Germans in England.
14-April-2006: I was on holiday with Marcia, my wife, and this guy called Tim Wheeler who I’d gone to school with as a child was telling me that he really liked Marcia, that he was going to tell her that he loved her. I told him he can’t because she’s MY girlfriend, then I ran outside to meet her before he could talk to her. It was too late for Tim Wheeler then because Marcia came and hugged me, totally in love and full of smiles.
13-April-2006: I dreamt that I made an intricate sliding puzzle game from papier mache, it seems like a really good idea until someone picked it up when it was still wet and it fell to pieces. I made the puzzle again from welded steel and it was much better, a true work of art.
12-April-2006: I had another dream with Dave in it. This time we were travelling through India. We were in a dusty, hot station somewhere in the south of India deciding where to go next. I didn’t have a clue so I asked a woman at a ticket desk to show me a map and chose Calcutta, I didn’t need to ask Dave because he didn’t care where we went. The woman said we would have to wait an hour and a half for the next train. When I asked how long it took to get to Calcutta she would only reply, repeatedly, that it was an express train. I remembered some of Michael Palin’s travels on TV and figured it might take a few days.
11-April-2006: I had a dream that my friends Neil Kay and Dave Smiley had decided to take part in a computer game that had been running in my dreams for years. Neil had completed the first level ages ago but still hadn’t finished the basic training, which consisted of jumping over and ducking below a complex set of spinning, glass walls. Dave had to complete the very first level, which involved using a cyber mop to soak up water on a virtual floor and put as much of it into a bucket as he could. When a female judge blew a whistle for Dave to get started he took all his clothes off and ran into a shower instead of mopping the floor. I asked the judge to give him another chance, explaining that he didn’t know what he was doing, but she told me to let him be and figure it out in his own way. He did eventually get enough water in the bucket to pass the test. There was a man in a lab coat who made a tick on his clipboard to signify the pass, it made me think how stupidly bogus these early tests are.
10-April-2006: I dreamt that my brother, Ben, had contrived a machine that was half computer and half flapjacks and apple pies. Somehow the apple pies and flapjacks were used to enable the computer to create a fairly complex animation that he ran through a TV set to show our mother and I.
9-April-2006: I dreamt that I found a derelict bungalow on the street I grew up on. I thought how perfect it would be for Marcia and I and prayed, “Oh God, how I do wish that we could have this little house to live in, it’s just right for us.” I Don’t think I ever prayed in a dream before. Anyway, I went inside and there were little notes with the name Jonathan on them, which I assumed was for me, and when I read them they appeared to be written by an old woman who was dying. They said that she was leaving her little house to Jonathan, that I could have everything. I thought I could just stay there, even though I knew I wasn’t really the right Jonathan, because it was my dream and the house was totally empty anyway. Before long though a scruffy-looking guy a bit older than me came through the front door of the house and I said to him, “You’re Jonathan, aren’t you?” He answered that he was so I showed him all the papers that said the house was his, then all these other relatives of the dead woman showed up and I got caught in the middle of a family get-together, which was kind of odd because I’d sort of broken into the house and I wasn’t meant to be there. I thought I would be found out but a batty old lady said she knew me from my regular visits to the old lady who’d died. I kept up the pretence for a while then made some excuses and left.
8-April-2006: I’ve been dreaming a lot recently about journeys on water, up rivers, across oceans, lakes and seas. Last night I dreamt that I found an unusual community of people that lived by the River Thames south of Tower Bridge in London, England. I went into a hut that two guys lived in and told them how I want to explore the Thames in a little boat, just chugging along and taking my time. I knew that one of them had the perfect boat, and so did his friend, but the boat-owner let me sit there and pour my heart out, explaining my passion for exploring the river, and never offered to lend me his boat. I eventually gave up and left the hut. On my way out I heard one of them say, ‘Come on mate, just lend him the boat. We might never see him again otherwise.’ I heard a knock on one of the little hut’s windows and turned around. The hut had the River Thames behind it sparkling in the late afternoon sunshine and the two men were waving me back to them. The boat owner agreed to lend me his boat and he gave me an old copper penny for good luck. Just before I woke up the three of us were putting the boat together, it was in separate pieces that slotted together, and the owner was telling me about the fuel in the two little engines.
7-April-2006: I dreamt I was on a ship sailing from Hull, in England to Rotterdam, in the Netherlands. I was travelling with the main Guy from the American TV show, The Sopranos. I was telling him all kinds of stuff that is wrong with him psychologically, that being a gangster is really childish and shows that he never grew out of being a school bully and that he has deep feelings of insecurity. He said that I would be the one feeling insecure when we got off the ship and his associates strung me up by my legs and slowly tortured me to death. I just smiled at him and said it didn’t matter, nothing he could do would be able to hurt me. He smashed a glass table in anger and said that we’d see, but the excitement caused him to have a heart attack and he died right there on the ship’s carpeted floor – as he died he saw that I had angel’s wings and understood why I was not afraid. I told him not to worry and to try harder next time around, for he would most definitely be coming back to Earth.
6-April-2006: I had a dream that I was flying from point to point by helicopter on a battlefield in North Korea, with the United States president riding beside me. The president, not G. W. Bush but a fictitious character, was showing me all kinds of new equipment. The highlight of the tour was at the very back of the battlefield where I was shown a hand-launched Intercontinental Ballistic Missile, or ICBM, which was rather unusual as they are normally very large. This missile was about three metres long, white and thin and you had to set up a little A-frame to launch it from so it looked a little like a huge mortar set up. The president was a bit loopy in the head and asked me to pick a city, I said Hong Kong and he ordered the soldier in charge of the missile to launch it at the main island of Hong Kong. Before I could stop him the thing was in the air and speeding off in a southwesterly direction. I called up Catface and got it to use the Mothership to laser the tiny, but very lethal missile from the sky. This was accomplished and the thing was destroyed only a mile or so from Hong Kong Island. The Chinese government were very annoyed, however, and launched their own missile at North Korea. Of course the Mothership destroyed this too and everyone after that thought that launching missiles would be useless. The dream then cut to a shot of me walking through Central Park in New York City, being Michael J Fox and jumping in the air shouting, ‘Yay, I’m a success!’ then suddenly being chased by a tiger and running away like a coward in sitcom fashion.
5-April-2006: I dreamt that I found a doorway near where I live that brought you into a desert when you went through it, i.e. you were in England on one side and somewhere like Saudi Arabia on the other. I went through to the desert with some friends and found a lively market, with lots of little stalls all under one huge tent. We looked around the market then went outside and saw an atomic detonation flash miles away across the sand. There were some stairs heading down into a subway that only my friends and I could see, it was the way back home. We went down into the subway to wait for a train and I thought to myself, this is plenty deep enough to avoid the atomic blast. The whole dream was ultra surreal and quite amusing, the atomic bomb not at all frightening – in fact I went back up the stairs at one point to take a peek at the mushroom cloud and approaching dust storm. The dream reminded me of a surreal British comedy called The Mighty Boosh, I actually thought this while I was dreaming it.
4-April-2006: I had a dream that there was this comic book reading guy who owned a monkey, or perhaps a chimp. There was a news report that owning monkeys was bad because they could infect anyone near them with nasty diseases. I protested against the news item, telling people how stupid it was and explaining how the most likely cause of human disease was other humans. There was another report on TV later in the dream that showed the monkey owner getting beaten up by a gang wearing ski masks, they also stole his monkey. I went to see if I could help him but he had gone. The actress who played Wonder Woman also showed up to give her support for the monkey owner, she asked me how he was doing and I told her that, actually, I’d never 
met the guy. Lynda Carter (Wonder Woman) said that she knew I didn’t know him, but one of my friends did. She had apparently meant to meet my friend Neil but he wasn’t home, so she came looking for me instead. I said to her that Neil would be so jealous that I met Wonder Woman, and thought to myself, especially as she is completely naked.
3-April-2006: I dreamt I was watching, and taking part in, a move starring Michael Caine. The protagonist, played alternately by Caine and myself, was a university student from another planet. He didn’t have any particular alien powers, it was just that everything on Earth was new to him – it was sort of a comedy. In one scene he was in a science class and the tutor had put a mathematical puzzle on the board and I/the star new the answer right away, but felt that I needed to know what some of the objects in the puzzle were before I could answer. I had to ask, ‘what is a propeller?’ for instance; everyone thought I was dumb and didn’t know the answer. I was asked if I should perhaps try a different course if I couldn’t do complicated equations like this. I replied, ‘Don’t be silly, I thought the puzzle was just for fun; the answer is 1342 to the power of 16, I just want to know what a propeller is.’
The problem was supposed to be homework or something, meant to take us all night to figure out. Some of the genius types in the class scribbled furiously to see if I was right, and were quite shocked to discover after ten minute’s cogitation that I was. The whole dream was that kind of ‘fish out of water, genius who knows nothing of everyday life’ alien type scenario that are popular in Earth-bound sci fi movies. The best part for me, just before I woke up, was when I went to a bar with the students and played pool for the first time. Every time a ball went down a hole I thought it was hysterically funny, my belly ached from laughing so much. It was just after this scene that I said I must go and left the bar, the final shot was of a chrome castle (my space ship) flying off into the sky with great wings flapping, and my fellow students looking agog from the ground.
2-April-2006: I had a dream that Marcia and I were at the house I grew up in and people were goading Marcia to jump from the upstairs window. It wasn’t impossibly high but it was a little scary nonetheless, jumping from it seemed to be some kind of ritual that everyone in the dream was meant to do. Marcia didn’t want to jump, she thought it was stupid, but everyone kept teasing her – she eventually jumped then did it again and again about ten times to show that she wasn’t afraid.
1-April-2006: I was in a little village outside York in England, possibly Escrick, with Marcia. She was busy doing work in a house so I went for a walk. I saw a cute little church and went through the gate to read some of the gravestones in the front yard to see how old they were. I was surprised to find that they were nearly all new, with fresh flowers on them, and told of tragic car accidents and teenage deaths. A friend called Chiemi phoned me up and asked if she could come and see me, so I told her where I was and waited. In waking life she’s married to, and split up from, my friend Mark , in the dream I thought I might hear news of Mark if I saw Chiemi – I don’t see him much in waking life anymore. Chiemi eventually arrived and she was crying about her life, we walked around inside the church while she told me how upset she was and we found ourselves crowded into a corner and stuck in the middle of another teenager’s funeral. We had to wait for the whole service to finish before we could get out, or barge our way through and upset everyone. We waited then went back to the house Marcia was in, I think it was our house actually, and Chiemi came and stayed with us for a few days.