30-November-2009: I had a dream that some friends and myself climbed out from a very deep manhole and found ourselves in an unknown part of London. We argued for some time on which direction to take in order to find the real London that we knew.
29-November-2009: In my dreams I can speak a language called Soul Speak, a special language that is unique to every human and animal on Earth. In last night’s dream I was using Soul Speak to persuade people to do silly things, for fun, a bit like a stage hypnotist.
28-November-2009: I dreamt about a place called Fountains Abbey in Yorkshire, England. The abbey has a huge lake and in my dream there were lots of Mediterranean style caverns beneath the water with ancient Greek artifacts hidden within. I was diving beneath the water to search for the archeology.
27-November-2009: I dreamed that I was at a very dull party with no booze. I wanted to go and buy some alcohol with my friends but the party was so boring that I’d fallen asleep. When I woke up I discovered that someone had stolen one of my shoes so I couldn’t go on a booze run with my friends.
26-November-2009: I was dreaming about a housing estate of bungalows in a suburb of York, where I live, called Huntington. It seemed that people were turning their homes into restaurants of all kinds – Italian, Thai, Indian, French, Greek – so that every street had interesting smells and loads of people walking from restaurant to restaurant.
25-November-2009: I had a dream that I was in the middle of some city’s suburbs with bags full of newspapers to deliver. I had no idea where I was or which houses to deliver the newspapers to, but felt I must deliver them nevertheless.
24-November-2009: I dreamed that I was cycling down a country lane when I came across a crazy farmer and a mobile scud missile launcher. The mad farmer was firing scud missiles into his farm’s drainage ditches and blocking them up. When I asked what he was doing he said it was stage one of his plan to take over the world.
23-November-2009: I had a dream that I was a member of the SAS, British special forces. My friends Ché Sanderson and Mark Whose-Name-Cannot-Be-Mentioned wanted to join so I blagged them onto a list of new try-out recruits.
22-November-2009: I had a dream my friends and I built two massive forts in my old childhood back garden and we played capture the flag games with paintball guns.
21-November-2009: I had a dream that I was Rincewind, a bungling wizard from Terry Pratchett’s Discworld novels. There was a huge, glittering green dragon on a hilltop and I ran for my life when it saw me and came flying down the hillside. I got into a helicopter, with the dragon still chasing me, and flew for a few miles before crashing near a speed boat, which I took across a lake and crashed through a harem full of beautiful women then scampered up some stairs to the top of a tower where I escaped in a hot-air balloon, leaving the dragon with its head stuck in the harem tunnels.
20-November-2009: I had a dream that I went to a dinner party and my ex-wife, Masayo, showed up with a male escort who was supposed to make me jealous. However, Masayo quickly realized she’d made a mistake and felt rather foolish, so she sent the man away.
19-November-2009: I dreamed that I met a friend from high school called Keith Skinner. We went to the dentist together but some earth-shattering storms and giant robots caused the building to collapse.
18-November-2009: I had a dream that I went to a seaside town to search for a missing girl called Hollie.
17-November-2009: I had a dream that I was friends with Phil Mitchell, a character from a British soap opera. Phil had a heart-attack and I gave him some extra-strong aspirins, which he accepted. However, he refused to go to hospital and insisted on drinking vodka instead. I eventually conned him into hospital and got the doctors to lock him in a room to sober up, which took quite a while because he had lots of little bottles of vodka and whiskey hidden within his clothes. During Phil’s involuntary stay in hospital I met his brother Grant who was angry with me at first, but became a really good friend when he realized what I’d done for Phil.
16-November-2009: I had a dream that my friend Mark Whose-Name-Cannot-Be-Mentioned wanted to be a robed Death (Grim Reaper) and I was trying to talk him out of it.
15-November-2009: I had a dream that I was bionic, that I was one among hundreds of bionic people. The bionic people and some military types were the only people left on Earth, everyone else had been killed by aliens – as in the Aliens movies. These slimy, black creatures from space were everywhere – they could run almost the same speed as us but couldn’t jump as high. I avoided being eaten by jumping to the top of a ruined church, but I had to jump somewhere else quickly because the aliens were soon climbing the walls at speed. We eventually decide to evacuate in an old-style rocket-ship and nuke the area from space.
14-November-2009: I had a dream that I was on a rowing boat with my friend, Neil Kay. We were fishing for pile while drinking red wine and eating cheese.
13-November-2009: I had a dream that Marcia, my wife, and I were in an after/midlife talking to God. We sat around a little café table and God told me, looking up, that heaven is actually quite a small and a place where people go to be forgotten and Hell was much larger. I cried and said I didn’t want to be forgotten – God replied ‘you already are kiddo’. After that he gave me a thin magazine with pictures of people I never met before, a lot of them were Hari Krishnas. God said the pictures were of people that I upset and that I need to make amends for my transgressions, things that I hadn’t done yet. I made a joke to God, asking if it was really a bad thing that I upset all those Hari Krishnas, but he didn’t think it was funny. I also said that my magazine was quite thin, that a lot of people’s must be really thick. He said that some people’s magazines were enormous and that they were so stubborn that they choose to go to Hell rather than make amends for the upset and misery they’d caused. When I awoke I had a strong feeling I needed to be nice to everyone I meet, especially Hari Krishnas.
12-November-2009: I dreamed that I was a visiting celebrity in India, appearing on talk shows and TV chat shows. I must have been some kind of cook because every show kept asking me to taste food and was about cooking. The producer of the shows was one of the most famous women in India and was always there with me at the tastings. Before long I fell in love with the woman and we got caught almost having sex by her father in their family living room.
11-November-2009: I had a dream that I was in a three-way relationship with my wife, Marcia, and a character called Whitney from a British soap opera called EastEnders.
10-November-2009: I had a dream that I was cycling through a forest while my brother rode a moped and my mother drove a car.
9-November-2009: I had a dream that I was going to the pub with Carl, Ché and Peter Sanderson, my friends, and it was arranged that we’d meet an American guy from one of the southern states. When we met the American he gave us all a gun each as a gift. We thought it was a little odd, and rather scary with guns being illegal in England, but we accepted the guns and toyed with them as we walked to the pub. About halfway there some girls eyed us suspiciously and we feared they may call the police about the guns so we decided to hide them. I flew to the top of a very high tree to hide mine, knowing no one would ever be able to get up there besides me.
8-November-2009: I dreamed that I was talking to a crocodile while sitting up a tree.
7-November-2009: I had a dream that I could fly and I was flying around along a river with a friend called Angelika.
6-November-2009: I had a dream that a big hill near the university in York, England, was covered in water, like a waterfall, and that I slid down it on a tray and dared the Joker from Batman to do the same, which he did. At one point we were travelling so quickly that it was difficult to see reality. Later the Joker and I were on the run from police after breaking into a cycle store and stealing a compass, and fighting with a rival gang in town.
5-November-2009: I dreamed that I was playing a game with my brother where I pretended to be a policeman and arrested him.
4-November-2009: I dreamt that I lived on a huge spaceship. When I told the crew I had psychic powers they didn’t believe me so I teleported the ship’s computer storage systems out into space. The crew were angry but couldn’t do anything about it without admitting that psychic powers were real. Later I became a hero when I mentally pushed asteroids out of the way and save the ship. After that I was in charge of colonizing planets where ape-life already existed, introducing slightly more intelligent, speaking apes, along with a super-intelligent leader called Acturas, into their societies that would eventually evolve into humans.
3-November-2009: I dreamed that my wife and I lived in a Spanish house with tiled floors and stairs. The stairs were shiny and I was able to slide down them in my shoes. Marcia tried to copy me but wobbled near the bottom and nearly fell, but I caught her and we started kissing.
2-November-2009: I had a dream that I was at a huge prayer meeting with a small group of soldiers at the back. Every time the others said amen we said ‘Sir. Yes sir!’
1-November-2009: I dreamed that my friends Carl and Ché Sanderson and the actor Patrick Stewart were patently ogling a beautiful girl, so much so that she became upset. I ran after her and ended up in her posh apartment, explaining why some men are the way they are and how my friends didn’t mean to upset her.