31-October-2009: I had a dream I lived in a grim, dark land with two major powers at war that lived in two great castles. The enemy were flouting the rules of engagement by using a machine to traverse dimensions and fetch superior technology to gain access to our castle.
30-October-2009: I dreamed I had to go to a town called Oldham and decided to cycle there, which took ages because it’s miles away.
29-October-2009: I had a dream I was living in an underground car park with a bunch of freestyle street people, i.e. people who jump around on walls and roofs practicing parkour.
28-October-2009: I had a dream I was going to Mallorca with Steph, a character from a British soap opera called Hollyoaks.
27-October-2009: I dreamed I went back in time to the 1960s with my friend Neil Kay and a guy from my school days in Fulford called Keith Skinner. Once there we all went our separate ways for a while. I went into clothes stores and bought all kinds of, what would now be, vintage clothing. Neil went and got drunk and I don’t know what happened to Kieth. Later I went into a big house full of students and found a sexy girl with long legs and black hair. I told her she was hot but she didn’t know what I meant, so I said she looks nice and I like her and she was pleased.
26-October-2009: I had a dream I was in a rally driving event, racing against two British TV presenters called Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond. They thought I was mad because, after the rally was over, I went straight from my car into a turbo charged Cessna for some plane racing.
25-October-2009: I had a dream that my old boss, Bob Scrace, was in a wheelchair and showed me around his business, Fulprint, to see what I thought of it after twenty one years’ development. The place was impressive at first, really big with lots of employees, but I soon realized that there was a distinct lack of modern computers and some areas had far too many people in them doing very little other than chatting. Bob asked me for ideas so I made a bunch of suggestions about computers, software and staff culling.
24-October-2009: I dreamed I was being chased by a guy in a helicopter. I escaped by going down a rabbit hole and was surprised to find a modern rabbit society with underground rail systems and elevators going down to deeper burrows, which I used when the guy chasing me started drilling into the rabbit hole to get me.
23-October-2009: I dreamed that I had sex with Sigourney Weaver in a dark room in a horror house. Afterwards I noticed I’d caught a disease from her and used the green ray device again to cure us both.
22-October-2009: I dreamt that Terry Pratchett thought I was someone else and took me to his house. I had a go with his famous telescope and tried to find the galaxy I came from, then pointed it at the sea (which was nearby in this dream) and saw something unusual happening – just before it rose up in a tidal wave and came halfway up Terry’s nice garden. After that I used the ‘green light device’ that appears in many of my dreams to fix Terry Pratchett’s brain by reversing some cell productions until the scanner detected the first instance of Alzheimer’s-causing cells and teleported them away.
21-October-2009: I had a dream that I had a fight with a mega monster on the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. The monster had many different colours inside it, like blood, that I had to drain away, one at a time, before it would die.
20-October-2009: I had a bizarre dream where a kid I knew at school, John Shipley, was blowing snot from his nose onto my jumper. The bizarre part was every time he did it the snot formed into the shape of car manufacturer’s logos.
19-October-2009: I dreamed I was on an army base and I saw a guy through his house’s window shouting at his girlfriend and hitting her. I looked closer and saw the guy, with a pink mohican haircut, and threatened him to stop hitting the girl. Later he came up to me with a gang of punks to beat me up. However, because of my super kung fu skills, he was unsuccessful.
18-October-2009: I dreamt that I asked a white girl in Japan if she wanted to be my mistress, where we only see each other for a couple of hours in the afternoon. She said it would be too much hassle and turned me down.
17-October-2009: I had a dream that I was part of a secret intelligence agency and a guy from my school days, Chris Sharp, was desperate for a mission. I gave him some invisible ink and he had to touch a suspect on the head with it while he was fishing by a river so he could be tracked later.
16-October-2009: I dreamed about a guy who had a riverboat with a tent on top. The boat, when parked up on the bank, looked like a riverside hut.
15-October-2009: I dreamed I had a big tray full of kittens. I was trying to make a video of them with my phone to send to Marcia, because she loves kittens, just as I woke up.
14-October-2009: I had a dream that I was at a boring fashion meeting as an expert web design consultant. Everyone there was being snooty and aloof because I wasn’t a part of their fashion ‘set’. Then a secret guest they’d been waiting for arrived. It was Cameron Diaz and she was my best friend. When I saw her I stood on a table and shouted ‘Caz!’, which made the others ‘tut’ at me like I was a moron. When Cameron saw me she pushed reporters and fashionadoes out of her way and ran to me. After that she only spoke to me and wouldn’t even entertain looking at anyone else. We went to York and had a huge party in the house I grew up in. The party was packed full of people from the neighbourhood – just ordinary folks who wanted to meet Cameron, who was sat on a couch and totally relaxed as people buzzed around her to say ‘hi’. After the party I was going to use my mind powers to teleport myself, Marcia (my wife) and Cameron to Hollywood, but I realized Marcia didn’t know about my powers so we arranged a private jet instead.
13-October-2009: I dreamt that I pretended to punch my mother in the face. My brother got upset and punched me repeatedly. I said it was okay for him to do that because I deserved it, but it was a bit pathetic he never did the same thing to our mother’s violent, woman-beating boyfriend.
12-October-2009: I dreamed I went to America on a super-long train that stopped at a new station in west Brooklyn. The train was so long that we had to wait for hours before our section of the train was level with the platform so we could get off. After this I took a walk to Brighton Beach, also in Brooklyn.
11-October-2009: I dreamt I was walking naked inside a supermarket with a green can of beer in my hand. I was obsessed with a Chinese girl who worked there with lovely legs and followed her everywhere.
10-October-2009: I dreamed I was in a Saharan jail cell with some friends. I local tribesman came up to the bars and stroked his ass cheek then my face with his bottom-wiping hand, i.e. his left hand that he wipes his ass with, to say hello. I asked him if he could get us food. My friends asked me how I knew his language. In my dreams I can speak any language just by hearing a phrase from it. This is the first time I’ve learned a language from a visual phrase though.
9-October-2009: I had a dream that I was the head of an organisation that built a colossal underground bunker. The size of the bunker was breathtaking, the size of a large city, and totally underground with shopping malls, streets and homes. The most staggering part was the warehouses filled with supplies to sustain millions of people for 20 years. The bunker was arranged over dozens of floors, going deeper underground with each floor. The 1st floor, closest to the surface, had hundreds of feet of concrete above it and a huge video screen that perfectly imitated windows as if we were on ground level. On the first day in the bunker many of us stayed on the 1st floor and watched the world outside, through the faux windows, being reduced to debris by atomic bombs. Every now and again people would go up to floor 1 to see what was happening outside, but most eventually lost interest and stayed much further below ground.
8-October-2009: I had a dream that an alien landed nearby and went to explore the environment. While the creature wasn’t looking, I sneaked aboard the creature’s flying saucer and stole it
7-October-2009: I dreamed I was in a public swimming pool and a young woman kept touching my private parts. Everywhere I went in the pool she followed and swam underwater to fondle my bits.
6-October-2009: I had a dream that I went by train to see a mystery person in a very out-of-the-way town in some mountains. When I got off the train I was really nervous about being left is such a desolate place. My anxieties past when the train pulled away and I realized I had no choice but to stay there. The train station was tiny, with only one track and platform and a big green, cold mountain on the other side. I thought it would be invigorating to climb to the top of the mountain so I ran across the track and went for it. However, before I was halfway up, the wind became so severe I was almost blown off the mountain. I went back down and across the station to find the person I’d come to see.
5-October-2009: I had a dream that I shouted at Marcia, my wife, because she didn’t want me to go with her on a day trip to a sunny resort with some men. She admitted she wanted to see if any of them fancied her and acted like I was a chauvinist pig for reacting the way I did.
4-October-2009: I was dreaming about being part of a huge mob that attacked a bunch of old sheds, razing them to the ground. Afterwards I got everyone’s attention and proclaimed we should reclaim the debris of the sheds and make something useful from it.
3-October-2009: I had a funny dream about a car chase around my childhood back garden. We just kept driving around and smashing into each other like a demolition derby.
2-October-2009: I was on a bicycle ride with my friends Carolyn Cole and Neil Kay. We got lost so I called for my helicopter to come and pick us up. I asked for the larger helicopter so we could fit our bikes in.
1-October-2009: I had a dream I was a male nurse in an old people’s home. I was also The Incredible Hulk and all the female nurses kept trying to get me angry then luring me into sex as the Hulk.