28-February-2009: I had a dream that I read the first page of the first Harry Potter novel aloud in French.
27-February-2009: I had a dream that I was in a very noisy Learjet doing stunts.
26-February-2009: I had a dream that I was in a pawn shop looking at night vision goggles.
25-February-2009: I had a dream that I was in the SAS (Special Air Service) on a mission in a sewer, walking by lots of poo. There was poo everywhere, not just floating in the water but all over the walls. We eventually arrived at an underground cavernous room that was piled high to the ceiling with poo.
24-February-2009: I had another time travel dream set in the 1970s. This time it was set in England on the street where I live now and I wondered if my Landlord still lived in the same house back then, so I stood outside his place and shouted “Ben!”. He eventually came outside to see who was shouting his name, looking all flustered like I’d disturbed him from something important – he does this in waking life too. I told him that I’m from the future so he invited me inside and I told him all about what I knew of his life between 1998 and 2009. He took it all in right away and wasn’t phased at all by me travelling back in time, in fact he was positively pleased with himself to know that he would still be alive in 30 years’ time.
23-February-2009: I had a dream that Marcia, my wife, and I travelled back in time to 1970s Brooklyn to see little girl Marcia. I asked some kids if they’d seen her and they told me she’s usually waiting on a bench near a park for her Daddy. I found little Marcia on the bench and asked her if she was called Marcia. When she said she was, grown up Marcia stepped out from behind me and said ‘”hewwooo!” then little Marcia fainted.
22-February-2009: I had a dream that I was the pilot of the ship Queen Mary 2, which I travelled to America on last year.
21-February-2009: I had a dream that I was a kid, living in a trailer with a bunch of other kids. One of my brothers in the dream was wearing a silver helmet that was wired up to the ceiling and I asked him why, to which he replied that it killed the flies. Just then a fly went under his helmet and was ‘zapped’ and so was the boy wearing the helmet. He said ‘ow’ then threw the helmet, which was actually a fly zapper, to the floor and broke it. The rest of us kids all said as one, “there goes another electrical appliance!” and laughed as we looked around at many broken devices strewn about the floor of the trailer.
20-February-2009: I had a dream that I was kissing an older blonde woman on a train, but decided she was too old so I took control of the dream and turned her into a young Japanese woman then we made love in the toilet.
19-February-2009: I had a dream that my brother was on roller blades and someone else was wearing roller boots and I followed the two of them down Danum Road, a street near where I grew up, and drew a line along the curb with a thick white pen.
18-February-2009: I had a dream that I was a woman protecting a Terminator (a sort of humanoid robot from a movie series of the same name) from a gang of bandits who were hunting it down to remove a secret it had inside its computer chip. At one point in the dream the bandits were chasing the two of us on jet skis.
17-February-2009: I had a dream set in the future where London’s financial district had moved to a totally renovated Piccadilly. I was waiting for a subway train and when it arrived it was huge with two floors.
16-February-2009: I had a dream that I was naked at a tai chi class and that Barack Obama was due to pay us a visit. I wanted to find my sports bag so I could at least put some shorts on, but Barack Obama’s agents had taken it away in case there was a bomb inside. My tai chi instructor, Stewart, was with me searching for my bag when I decided to ask Catface through my watch to find it for me, who beamed me a speaking voice like a car sat nav that directed us to my bag hidden in a security office. Stewart was shocked about my technology and I said I never let anyone see it so openly before, though he had no idea that Catface was in an orbiting spacecraft, but didn’t mind in his case because I trusted him.
15-February-2009: I had a dream that I was at an illegal rave somewhere outside Amsterdam with my wife Marcia and an old friend called Lewis Evans. Some locals called the cops and helicopter gunships came to round everyone up. I hid in a covered ditch with Lewis and another friend called Phil Benton, but I couldn’t get Marcia’s attention – she was across the street in a pink hat by a bus stop and listening to an iPod. I ran from the ditch and Marcia and I sped off though a sloping cabbage field. As we ran down the slope a naked couple, high on drugs, slid past us on the slippery cabbages, laughing joyfully. When we got to the bottom of the field we found some gnarly goats and a nature programme narrator started saying how these were amongst the grumpiest goats on Earth and could attack at any moment, which they did with a snarl as Marcia and I jumped to the top of a fence. After this we walked along the fence top towards a church, hoping we could find somewhere to hide from the Apache gunship helicopters.
14-February-2009: I had a dream that I was arguing with a talking dog over the ownership of a ball of string. The dog wouldn’t let the string go when I said “drop”, always replying “no!”, until I stuck my fist right in its mouth and shouted “Drop it, fucktard!” I didn’t want to shout at the dog but felt, with the dog talking and all, that the world was out of balance and I had to put it right by being the master over the animal.
13-February-2009: I had a dream that my friend Dave Smiley learned a psychic spell that enabled him to spread cans of pains evenly over large surfaces without opening the containers. I walked down a street called Piccadilly, in York where I live, and all the drab walls were painted bright purple by Dave and his psychic spell. Every other street was purple and people were saying, ‘Oo, Dave’s been here as well!”.
12-February-2009: I had a dream that I was in a motel room, looking through the window. A good looking girl came by and I rushed to the door to ask if she wanted to come inside for sex (really crudely) . The girl started coming inside until her boyfriend came along and shouted “oy!”. He looked at me questioningly and I nodded, indicating that we were going to get it on. I thought he would be angry with me but instead he pulled his girlfriend away by the elbow and said to her, “Good God, not again!”
11-February-2009: I had a dream that I was in the lobby of a motel in America with my friends, Mark , Neil Kay, Dave Smiley and Steve Lockie-Bloore, when the sprinkler system came on and soaked everyone with orange soda.
10-February-2009: I had a dream that I might have to join the navy and go to war at sea. I thought how inhospitable the sea is and how I would much rather be a soldier.
9-February-2009: I had a dream that I was showing my friends Neil Kay and Steve Lockie-Bloore some weapons, sniper rifles etc, from my home planet.
8-February-2009: I had a dream that I got a small plane to Ireland, only it wouldn’t take off for ages and went miles along a road. At some point the road became blocked with traffic and the pilot got frustrated and we finally took off over a ravine. However, before we crossed the Irish Sea, the pilot landed the plane at a port and drove us onto a ferry. I was upset because I only went on the plane in the first place to avoid the rough ferry crossing over to Ireland.
7-February-2009: I had a dream that I was in Hungary remembering a short adventure I had with my first wife, Maja, as I rode on the front of a tram. I later ended up talking about my teeth with two Hungarian dentists.
6-February-2009: I had a dream that Marcia had gone ‘loopy’ (crazy) and couldn’t decide if she loved me or not.
5-February-2009: I had a dream that my mother, brother and stepfather were talking about me wetting the bed.
4-February-2009: I had a dream that I was living on a “rough as fuck housing estate” that was guarded by a Relocation Robot, a sentinel that zapped burglars and vandals to teleport them to random deserts around the world.
3-February-2009: I had a dream that I lived in a rundown building with Marcia, my wife, sometime in the future. There was a news reporter on TV talking about a principality bordering Russia. Everyone in the world was sick and tired of the principality’s warmongering actions with its neighbours, and they’d annoyed the British government when they told the UK to fill out a form to request a cessation of bombing raids over Russia and other countries, rather than just stopping through verbal requests. As the news reporter was speaking some missiles launched from outside our building, then a few minutes later the city behind the reporter exploded with atomic bombs and, much to my surprise, Marcia yelled “Yay!” with joy.
2-February-2009: I had a dream that I was trying to convince Marge Simpson to be involved in an espionage plot.
1-February-2009: In waking life there is a little place called Cawood that is about 8 miles south of where I live along the river. In last night’s dream I was on a river cruise that took days to get to Cawood, navigating rivers in all the wrong direction to take a very roundabout route to get there. It was nice to relax on the cruise, but also kind of pointless, it seemed, because we were never very far from where we started.