30-November-2008: I had a dream that a sphere from outer space was parked in a forest and abducting people, beaming them inside itself. I was sometimes Spiderman and sometimes Spiderwoman, weaving a web around the sphere that prevented signals from getting out so it couldn’t abduct any more people. I ended up in a showdown with aliens controlling the sphere, saying I would release their ship if they let all the people go.
29-November-2008: I had a dream I was talking about Newton Terrace, a place where I lived as a small child, and all the ghosts that I used to see there.
28-November-2008: I had a dream that I travelled back in time, with a childhood friend called Tim Wheeler, to the Museum Gardens (a park with trees) in York where I live, during the Victorian era. The place was packed with people all going for a stroll and looking at trees and squirrels. Lots of the women had parasols and pushed enormous perambulators. I realised that this is what people did back then to pass the time, went for walks out in the open, before there were TVs and computers .
27-November-2008: I had a dream that I rented a Ford Mustang (again) in New York City and ran out of gas in a very rundown neighborhood. Instead of trying to get the car back to the rental company, I casually left it by some railroad tracks and got on a train to Manhattan. My sister-in-law Julie and a gangster rapper she met went to rescue the car, it was very nice, before local hoodlums could wreck it, and then they bought it from the rental company.
26-November-2008: I had a dream that everyone was living on the verge of a nuclear apocalypse and I was showing some people a new garment I’d made called an Encounter Suit. When wearing the suit you only had to say ‘encounter’ when you saw a nuclear explosion and the suit would expand, enveloping you from head to toe with indestructible, yet pliant, armour. When the suit was activated it absorbed clean air from the atmosphere around you, removing extraneous particles to such a degree that you could even breath underwater with it.
25-November-2008: I had a dream that a Cat was showing me how to dig up a snake from its hole, and then cook it.
24-November-2008: I had a dream that my friend Ché Sanderson was really angry with me because he explained to me what he’d been doing during the day and I hadn’t heard anything that he said, which was that he’d been for a walk.
23-November-2008: I had a dream that two sexy blonde girls were shooting a psycho friend from my teenage years called Mark Rowley with an airsoft gun.
22-November-2008: I had a dream set in the future where I was waiting in an immigration queue with people waiting to be transported to a planet. However everyone was forced to stay indoors and I tried to get to see an official so I could report a ‘time travel incident’.
21-November-2008: I had a dream that I met John Cleese (actor from Monty Python’s Flying Circus) and he asked me if I owned a castle. I told him that I did not but realised later in the dream that I do. John came to see me at my castle and we stood atop the battlements, discussing the comfort to be had while living in a house with a moat around it.
20-November-2008: I had a dream that I owned a bizarre contraption that could weld metal, alter the weather and be remotely activated via voice commands in Latin.
19-November-2008: I had a dream set in the future where I was at a guy’s house who I didn’t like. I wanted to go home but I couldn’t because the house was miles away from anywhere and I’d been drinking, the guy made me nervous by saying I’d be caught by the police for sure if I tried to drive away in my car. The guy had a portable device, identical to the ones the police carried, that tested how drunk you were by asking questions and reading brainwaves. However I became very suspicious when it asked me all kinds of personal questions and wanted my credit card details.
18-November-2008: I was trying to help a Chinese family get through immigration. The officer at the desk took all our money off us, British Pounds and Chinese Yuan, then gave us the equivalent back in random coins from different countries. I got really mad with the guy for been such an asshole.
17-November-2008: I had a dream that I was measuring my tummy with a tape when someone came and told me that it wasn’t getting any smaller, so I jumped on them and smothered them with my tummy.
16-November-2008: I had a dream that I was with my brother, watching thousands of squirrels run around on and inside a roof of an old house.
15-November-2008: I had a dream that I was the heir to a massive company from Spain called Lento, which I’ve since discovered means ‘slow’ but I didn’t know that in the dream.
14-November-2008: I bought a computer game called Fallout 3 the other day where the game starts out in an underground bunker called a Vault. In last night’s dream I ventured outside the Vault for the first time with some friends I grew up with. We walked outside only for a few minutes, as far as the remains of an old wooden house, when a stream of zombies and mutants came out and chased us back to the Vault.
13-November-2008: I had a dream about a crazy murdering woman truck driver who was obsessed with driving over people’s cars and killing them.
12-November-2008: I had a dream that the river in York where I live dried up and there were loads of soggy old mattresses on the riverbed.
11-November-2008: I had a dream that I was a powerful entrepreneur with a team of people looking for ways to physically achieve my harebrained schemes. One such scheme involved alleviating massive floods by sending the water to the Moon.
10-November-2008: I had a dream that I’d been elected the president of York, where I live, which was a newly invented post that brought more power than was wielded by the Prime Minister. I had a new massive house built that incorporated an old large house as an annex within its grounds.
9-November-2008: I had a dream that a friend and I stole a Porsche motorcycle, which I’m not sure exists in waking life, and were being chased by the cops across country. We were moving very quickly and it looked like we were going to get away until a friend called Roma Oxford waved us from the side of the road to stop. She had a piece of paper in her hand, an important document about the dwindling rainforests , and insisted that I should read it immediately. I looked behind us and saw the police were catching up again and told Roma that we were kind of busy, but she wouldn’t let us leave without reading the document. The police caught up with us and came running from their cars so I used my ‘dream powers’ to create a time bubble around myself, Roma and my other friend whose name I can’t remember, so we could chat inside while the cops were frozen in time outside. However, before we could look at the document Roma noticed that my time bubble was making her younger – her skin was becoming smoother and her body more spritely, like she would have been twenty years earlier. Furthermore, as she became younger she became frisky and very interested in her looks, and less and less interested in the rainforests document.
8-November-2008: I had a dream that my friend Ché Sanderson was telling his ex-wife how great I was at website design and search engine optimisation, going on and on about it for like half an hour, then finished off by giving Wendy a card for a different company in Leeds.
7-November-2008: I had a dream that lots of pale-blue-white meteors were coming towards the house I was in and crashing into the ground all around us. We couldn’t make up our minds if it was safer to stay in the house or not until a meteor hit the house and tore right through it, which forced us to decide we definitely were not safe.
6-November-2008: I woke myself up from a dream shouting “Australia is so far!”
5-November-2008: I had a dream that I was walking at the back of a parade in Northern Ireland. ‘Bring up the rear’ was supposed to be an honoured position, but I felt as though onlookers were bored with the parade by the time it had got all the way to me. Things did spice up a little however when a fleet of spaceships swooped upon us to attack and one of them stopped right by me, letting someone out who asked what I was doing on Earth.
4-November-2008: I had a dream that I invented a cup that detects bacteria or dangerous toxins inside itself, and tells you it needs cleaning before you drink out of it.
3-November-2008: I had a dream that I magically made my bicycle weigh 10 tonnes to stop anyone from stealing it.
2-November-2008: I had a dream that I was trying to park a car at an open air fete or street party, but everywhere I looked there were gangs of suspicious-looking teenagers who looked like they’d steal my car or jump on it.
1-November-2008: I had a dream that my friend Neil Kay said to Jenny Sharpe, his estranged girlfriend who was sitting across the room in a bar, that he was sick of her sympathetic tones. Jenny replied by saying that she’d discovered Bali.