31-May-2006: I dreamt that I was in Hong Kong taking a class in a computer software program called Macromedia Flash 8, the whole session was entirely in Cantonese.
30-May-2006: I was with a guy called Jason Foster from my childhood school, we were chasing some criminals in a crime-fighting/anti terrorism dream. I also met up with a man called Barry who I went to art college with in waking life, he was trying to get me to remember the name of a tune I used to whistle.
29-May-2006: I dreamt that I was on a working holiday aboard an oil tanker. It was sort of like hitchhiking only with ships instead of cars or trucks. I volunteered to work while aboard the tanker as it made the time pass quicker than it would just lazing about in my cabin.
28-May-2006: I dreamt that I was the boss of a printing company, sometimes I was my old waking life boss from my teenage years as a printer, and that the boss of a rival company, Emperor Ming of Flash Gordon, was trying to track me down and put an end to me. It was very difficult for Ming to track me though because I always knew where he was and I could fly. I kept watching my printing room from afar with farseeing eyes to see if Emperor Ming was there. At one point I saw, from afar, some young boys show up to collect leaflets for my business and deliver them around the town. I panicked because I forgot to order the leaflets to be printed, but it was all right because a receptionist gave the boys some other leaflets of mine instead that said pretty much the same thing.
27-May-2006: All my dreams seemed to be advertising the advantages of taking up Yoga in Romania. There was always someone boasting that he learned Yoga in Romania, or that he/she had a Yoga retreat in the mountains of Romania.
26-May-2006: I was in a madcap dream where I was a skydiving lunatic in a leather hat and flying goggles. I was balancing on a floating log, that I’d tried to carve into a raft, and attempting to grab hold of a rope ladder that was hanging from a bi-plane that whizzed overhead again and again. I eventually got hold of the ladder and went hurtling up into the air. I was meant to climb the ladder and get in the plane, but I was a Stan Laurel-type fool and got my parachute strap caught underneath the fuselage. I had to cut the parachute off to save myself, which wasn’t so bad because I had a spare too. There was a tense moment where it looked like I was going to cut through both lots of parachute straps, but I did it properly and went skydiving for a while. When I opened my reserve shoot it was broken so the pilot of the plane leapt out to rescue me. The whole time he was trying to catch me up, skydiving towards the ground at over one hundred miles per hour, I was shouting jokes up to him and fooling around as the wind was making a lot of noise by flapping my big shirtsleeves.
25-May-2006: I dreamt that I was watching a movie version of the Robert Heinlein novel, Starship Troopers, with my granddad who died in waking life seven years ago. There were some scenes in the movie where alien arachnids we stabbing human soldiers in the head with sharp appendages, and snapping them in half with black mandibles. There was blood everywhere and my granddad had never seen a movie like that before, he never had a VCR in his life and only watched afternoon movies, and it was making him feel sick. I knew there was a scene coming up where a Marine rides on top of a bug, shoots a hole in its carapace with a machinegun then drops a grenade in the hole – resulting in an explosion with bits of tissue, flesh and blood flying in the air and into people’s faces. I wondered if my granddad would actually throw up when we got to that bit.
24-May-2006: I was dreaming about a Jazz pianist playing next to the river in an alternate version or York, England. I started jamming with him by signing ‘beepop boobydoobop beeboop barrbop..’ and so on, without using any real words. It was very popular and drew a crowd. I wanted to have a go at playing the Jazz man’s piano because I was sure I could play more in synch with my bebop singing, but he wouldn’t let me touch it. I took my signing elsewhere and removed a roll-up piano from my coat, but woke up before I began to play.
23-May-2006: I dreamt that I was in the middle of town in Liverpool, England, digging out an artificial crater and turning it into a Roman-style public bath with an overflowing water feature effect.
22-May-2006: A had a dream that the leader of a project, called Affordable Housing, in my hometown in England had decided to move to America and take all his houses with him. He asked me, and a few others, if we’d like to be first in line for some nice new houses in the States.
21-May-2006: I had a dream that I went on a very long journey to a British colony in the heart of Russia with a down-to-earth British TV personality/ engineer called Fred Dibnah. Our journey involved boats, ships, planes, trains and even a sled ride across the snow. We were staying in a posh hotel that 
Fred was paying for, I think I won a competition to be there with him. We were both woefully underdressed for the hotel, which became apparent as we walked into the lobby and went straight to the restaurant, but no one seemed to mind. I felt a bit agoraphobic being so far away from home but I said to my fears, and God I think, “so what, what are you going to do about it? I can’t feel like this for ever.” Then I looked at Fred and decided I didn’t want to make him feel bad by being afraid to be on this fantastic journey. This town in my dream was very odd, being in Asian Russia but with signs of old-world British habitation everywhere. It was all Union Jacks, teashops, Asian Russians, snow-covered streets and Japanese tourists. Our second to last leg of our journey there was onboard a big diesel-powered locomotive, one of Fred’s fascinations, and we were right up front with the driver. We watched the frozen lands of Siberia roll by for hours then walked along a little gangway at the side of the engine and got into a passenger carriage. The seats were really soft and I made a comment to Fred about him liking one of the seats in his shed, guessing that he would have a shed somewhere. At this point the train pulled off the tracks and turned into a great sled for the last part of the trip, we both thought how amazing the engineering technology was around these parts to be able to do that, and dropped us off outside the hotel.
20-May-2006: I had a futuristic dream about London Zoo. It was very high tech inside, and very expensive to get in. I think I was with an old friend called Maja, who changed into my wife Marcia later in the dream, and we decided not to pay to get in but go on a free walk around the edges of the zoo instead. The free walk was deliberately constructed so you got a glimpse here and there of bits of the zoo, it was a way of tempting you inside. In our case it didn’t work and we came back at night to sneak in through a back gate, only to be chased straight back out by a pair of ferocious, yet friendly when I got to know them later, Doberman dogs. I got to know the dogs because I became stuck on our way out, Maja just kept running and left me there for dead, and found that the dogs were nowhere near as vicious as we thought. They talked to me instead of biting me and told me they were just for show really, to make the zoo look good for being concerned with security. I said goodbye to the dogs and found my way home, slightly annoyed that Maja had run off and left me. When I got in the house Maja had changed into Marcia and everything was all right again.
19-May-2006: I dreamt about and old petrol (gas) station that was torn down years ago in waking life. At the back, in the dream, there was a swimming pool where young people were partying and I drove around them in a Land Rover to get on their nerves. A gang of them got out to chase me away on motorbikes and my Land Rover changed into a pathetic little Hondo C50, a moped type thing only slightly better than a bicycle.
18-May-2006: I was in a dream set in York University. I was a respected student who did not follow the fads and trends of the other students, people came to me in the refectory for guidance. Even so I did have to behave like a normal mortal sometimes, especially when two great gangs, calling themselves Jupiter and Saturn, came running through the college halls and sending people fleeing in all directions.
17-May-2006: I dreamt that I was a professional babysitter, only looking after a rabbit instead of a child. I felt a bit awkward because the rabbit-caring had been pushed upon me unexpectedly by the mother of the child I thought I was going to be caring for. The rabbit was difficult to keep an eye on because it was running all over the house, and even ran outside and into a small department store. The rabbit was eventually kidnapped, being more important than I originally thought, and I felt ashamed that I hadn’t been able to look out for it properly. The dream then turned into a spy mystery, with me as the central character – an agent working for an organization no one knew existed. Kidnapping the rabbit was part of a huge plot to undermine the fabric of Western and Russian civilization. I met a guy called Bob Addy, someone from waking life that I haven’t seen in years, and he was trying to talk to me about stupid, menial matters while I was following a spy hanging out near a flower seller in an underground train station. I gave up trying to fight against Bob’s meaningless chat and went with him to his house, thinking he might be good cover for a while. I sat with Bob in a dark room and talked with him about silly things we did as kids in London. Bob got up, leaving the room, to go and make some tea and a hand reached out through the window to tap me on the shoulder. I looked around and saw a dark silhouette through the open window, he whispered to me that the new code was G.A.F. and I repeated it back and said, “got you, gaf,” which I found slightly amusing.
16-May-2006: I dreamt that I found a new part of my hometown that I’ve never seen before. There was a deep valley with a gazebo beside it, where you could sit and look out over the drop. Right around the corner from this was a huge public building, a library or museum, with a nice array of fountains in front.
15-May-2006: I dreamt that I was showing a woman called Catherine Sharp how to walk on water. We were outside a castle and everywhere was flooded, I was cheering her up by showing her my water-walking trick while my friends, Neil and Jenny watched and laughed. Catherine is Jenny’s sister, although I know Neil and Jenny at lot better, I’ve known Catherine for a lot longer. Later all of us, and a few other friends, were running around inside the castle. My friend Ché went between some iron bars and Peter Rankin followed him. I was a little disappointed because I thought Peter was heavier than me but I could not fit through the bars. I found shoot to climb up instead but I was too fat to fit in that too. When I stuck my face in to have a look someone threw a firework down the shoot and it exploded with a loud bang that woke me up. As I woke up I thought that I shouldn’t have eaten all the pancakes I ate before I went to bed, then I remembered seeing Catherine Sharp’s name written as C# when I was younger and thinking how cool it was.
14-May-2006: I dreamt that someone posted their dream on the dream message board here. They were asking what it meant when they’d been dreaming about camels. Three or four different people answered him, coming up with all kinds of mysterious answers. I suggested that, seeing as he was from Saudi Arabia like it said in his location info under his avatar, that seeing camels for him was probably as common as seeing Friesian cows is to me.
13-May-2006: I was dreaming about my friend Ché Sanderson, that I went for a walk to go and see him. I got distracted on the way to his house and ended up at a train station that doesn’t exist in waking life. I thought of waiting for a train and getting off at the next stop towards town to go to Ché’s house, but realised it went too far past the other way, it would have been easier to just walk there from where I was. On my way out of the station I met another friend called Peter Rankin, he asked me if I wanted to go for a drink at the pub. I agreed because it turned out that a few other people, including Ché, were going too.
When we got to the pub Pete went to the bar to get drinks and I sat down in a room with another friend called Paul Lazenby. I told Paul how I’d seen him the other day as I drove past him along the street – I was referring to something that actually happened in waking life – but he was a little distracted by a blonde girl sitting between the two of us. It seemed to me that the pub visit might turn out to be a long one and I kind of wished that I’d told Marcia, my wife, that I’d gone there. Another girl came and sat on my left and started marching her fingers up and down my leg, pretending they were soldiers.
Peter never came back with my drink but Ché eventually showed up and boasted about his clever plan to hide his brother’s, Carl, expensive cigarette lighter in a MacDonald’s fries carton, when they went together to the burger restaurant, so no one would steel it. We all laughed at how foolish Ché was, at how easily someone could have picked up the carton thinking they were just fries and Ché, making himself look even worse, admitted that he’d almost forgot about hiding the lighter in there and ate the fries and nearly threw the carton in the bin.
12-May-2006: I dreamt about ledger books flapping around the room like birds or bats, VAT (value added tax) and book keeping.
11-May-2006: I dreamt that I was in a class, at school or university, and the tutor asked me to move my chair closer to the front. I told her that I couldn’t because I was busy concentrating, but when she insisted I made myself and the chair levitate and float through the air and land in the spot she had pointed to.
The tutor was impressed with my levitation so I told here there were enough materials within the college to build a time machine or, if she preferred, a window to alternate world similar to the one we were in.
10-May-2006: I dreamt that I was with a group of friends in a suburb of New York City; we were trying to find our way to Manhattan by bicycle, which sounds fairly easy but we seemed to cycle for miles and miles and we could see nothing but hills and trees.
9-May-2006: I dreamt that I lived in a large house and this man kept breaking in to show everyone how easy it was. He never actually stole anything but always left a clue, an open door, broken ornament etc, to show us that he’d been there. In the dream it wasn’t quite so creepy as it would be in waking life; it was more that he would break in and I would attempt to secure the house better to stop him doing it again, then he would circumvent my security and show off that he had done so.
Each time he burgled the house the security measures were increased; first alarms, then trip wires, then barbed and razor wire, then booby traps and infrared cameras, and we finally got to the stage where it looked like a secret military base more than it did a home. There were trolls and robots patrolling the gardens around the house and even pitfalls with spikes at the bottom. The burglar made his last boastful move by breaking in through the front door and actually robbing us properly, like a real burglar, and taking all our belongings and furniture.
8-May-2006: I had a dream that two friends, Grace and Garner (whose name is actually Clay, but I always think of him as his last name) had come to visit us in York, England. We were in a strange kind of light between worlds walking alongside the River Foss in York, Grace, Garner, myself and Marcia and my friend Mark , on our way to a pub called the Black Swan. Grace, who doesn’t normally drink as far as I am aware, asked me in a low voice if I ever have a lot to drink before I go to the pub. I told her that I used to a long time ago, then Grace admitted to drinking a lot of gin before her and Garner left the hotel to meet us.
We got to the pub and sat down to chat, there was a brochure full of jet helicopters – the kind of thing executives fly around in. I somehow fixed things so that a jet helicopter came to take us home from the pub at the end of the night.
P.S. It is three years today since this dream diary started, there is one dream for every day since May 8 2003 until now.
7-May-2006: I dreamt that I got up and had breakfast at 4:30AM, that I was too hungry to wait for another four hours when I normally wake up.
6-May-2006: I dreamt that I was in a two-part Volvo car. My friend Dave Smiley was driving one Volvo and I was driving the other behind him. My Volvo was a sort of satellite car that had no engine of its own, it would only run so long as the other Volvo was running. We were driving at night, me behind Dave’s car in the satellite car, when Dave overtook a car in front of him. I got a bit annoyed that he’d done that because I couldn’t see where he had gone, I think my car would have stopped if the space between the two became too great.
I later found a large factory, our destination, and it was now daylight. I pulled up to the front gates but they were locked because the car park was full on the other side of them. I asked an old security guard where I could park and he replied that I could not. When I asked him why he said because the place was full. I asked him if there was anywhere else to park and, if so, where was it – knowing he would just say yes there was a place to park without telling me where if I never asked, he was one of those idiotic sarcastic type security guards.
As I was getting my parking information Dave came running up, only he’d turned into Anthony Bulmer (someone I used to hang around with years ago) and told me where he’d parked. I couldn’t move my Volvo though because he’d parked too far away and switched his engine off, so we just pushed my lighter, engineless vehicle onto some grass.
5-May-2006: I dreamt that I was telling a guy called James Morgan (someone who used to live with me in waking life) all about a dream I had with him in it. I told him how we went around to a rundown housing estate, on a sunny day, to tell some teenagers to ‘shut the fuck up’, then went to another house where a drug dealer lived and kicked his door down and shot his place to pieces with sub-machineguns.
4-May-2006: I was going on holiday with Marcia by train in an area of England called Norfolk. We found ourselves at a lonely train station at 4AM, where we met a guy called Lewis Evans who I haven’t seen in ages. I asked him if he was thinking of invading Suffolk, the county just below Norfolk. The whole dream was very dark and mysterious; Norfolk in reality is a very out of the way place compared to the rest of England, it’s very difficult to travel through because of all the fens and waterways – much akin to the flatlands of the Netherlands. We later found ourselves at a strange guesthouse or restaurant in the middle of some marshlands in a little forest. It was only 5AM but the owner insisted on serving us a full meal like it was evening, and there were other guests there drinking and chatting as if it were the most normal thing in the world. I invited everyone to have a ride in the Mothership and said I would call Catface to bring it down in a clearing next to the marshes. As we waited the restaurant guests were discussing Catface, asking me what he was. I told them that he wasn’t a ‘he’ but an ‘it’ – a sort of energy presence that flies the Mothership and has a face a bit like a cat.
The Mothership arrived in a classical spaceship form, as if it had been designed by an artist. It was gunmetal grey to match the mists of the forest and marshes and let out a long ramp for the guests to board. I was deciding where to fly to when I woke up.
3-May-2006: I had a dream that was set in a desolate place full of rundown warehouses and concrete scrubland with sparse areas of tough grass. The dream was set in a sort of post apocalypse type scenario with different gangs lording over certain areas. I was the leader of one of the gangs and this other leader kept trying to think of ways to beat me, but he was way too stupid and I always knew what he was going to try next.
Our gang was just far brainier than the other gangs, we had advanced technology and our methods were more organized – even our area of warehouses and empty airfields was a lot tidier than everyone else’s. In fact I think that being tidy was one of my laws, everywhere in our area was tidy and ordered, I think it gave my gang something to do and kept us more regimented than the others. Another thing that gave us the advantage was an overhead radar system so we could see the enemies sneaking up on us and surprise them before they could surprise us.
There was an interesting point where I let another gang leader believe he had fooled us all so that he ended up face-to-face with me pointing a rocket launcher at my head.
He said, ‘Now I’ve got you,’
I replied, ‘No you have not.’
Then he said, ‘I’m pointing a rocket launcher at you head!’
‘No, you are not.’ Says I. Then the guy fired his rocket and laughed, only the rocket went straight through me because it was only a projection of me. I was actually standing on a mound of dirt to his right and shot him dead as he laughed.
2-May-2006: I dreamt that I’d gone with Marcia to visit a town called Brighton on the south coast of England, a place where I used to live in waking life. We were on our way to see Maja, a woman I used to live with, and we went through an underground pedestrian subway that doesn’t exist in reality. There were two police officers halfway along the tunnel, a man and a woman, and they were examining some graffiti on the walls. It was very important to them to find the culprits so I got a special scanner out of my pocket and ran a swath of green light across the walls with it. The scanner reported back a detailed description of the individual culprits, minus their name. The information was stuff like, AROUND EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD; STATUS: LOSER; A STRING OF PETTY THEFTS THAT BEGAN FOUR YEARS AGO; RIDES AN OFFROAD MOTORCYCLE – and so on. Things that meant little to me but the police officers knew who they were right away.
1-May-2006: I had a dream that I was supposed to take a test or exam at school and I hadn’t studied for it. As I waited for the test to start I was leafing through the prospectus and found a course that made me laugh, I turned around to two girls behind me and said, ‘Look at this, Caring for Cobwebs!’ then laughed out loud. The girls only smiled slightly because they were nervous about their own exams. Finally a tutor came in to say the test was about to begin and started outlining the procedure for those who passed according to the rules of Virgin Atlantic Airlines. It occurred to me then that everyone apart from me was wearing little red hats or ties and that I was in the wrong room.